Childhood obsessive trauma memory loop

Cypress

Confident
Does anyone else have this? Now that I am no longer dissociating trauma memories. I have one that is a fragment really that is accompanied by absolute terror and it has started playing on a loop several times a day, like a song that gets stuck in your head. I will be sitting and doing something mundane, suddenly feel intense fear and then have a visual image of watching someone be run over by a car on purpose. I know that I am a child and I know that this is a secret. I feel guilty like I caused it to happen?

Do I need to deal with the feelings associated with the memory fragment? I know that you aren't supposed to fill in the blanks.
 

Friday

Moderator
Does anyone else have this? Now that I am no longer dissociating trauma memories. I have one that is a fragment really that is accompanied by absolute terror and it has started playing on a loop several times a day, like a song that gets stuck in your head. I will be sitting and doing something mundane, suddenly feel intense fear and then have a visual image of watching someone be run over by a car on purpose. I know that I am a child and I know that this is a secret. I feel guilty like I caused it to happen?
Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks? Very much so.

My trauma history isn’t during my childhood, so I missed this the first time ‘round... hopefully others with childhood trauma will be able to catch it this time.

Do I need to deal with the feelings associated with the memory fragment? I know that you aren't supposed to fill in the blanks.
One thing to consider... EMDR looooooooves specific events, and there are also complex trauma certified EMDR practitioners, so the challenge of processing a trauma which may link to a zillion other traumas? Is actually manageable these days, with the right therapist who has that advanced training.
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
Can’t say I’ve figured out the best way to deal with the cycling, but it happens to me as well. I also have fragments and some pieces toss me back to a childlike state.

What I’ve learned about this in my situation is that it happens when I’m working on processing one particular memory and my stress levels are too high. Almost like my brain changes the channel to a different memory to process or sometimes wants to link memories together.

What I’ve been doing with it now is to find ways to reduce my stress and tolerate the cycling (not easy).

Is there an explanation you can get to for why this might happen for you?
 

Missycat

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve experienced this, it used to happen a lot. It almost felt like i had a jigsaw puzzle and kelt finding parts of the pieces to make up the whole picture! I used to say to my therapist that the images/memories used to feel like they were stuck to me and i couldnt get them off.
we did some emdr work - 2 different emdr models which really did help - we didnt have to work through each memory or image either as they were ‘linked’ to the same trauma . My Therapist is a psychologist who is Trauma trained and specialises in trauma and is an advanced EMDR practitioner so i felt very safe with her.
I would certainly ask about EMDR
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
it happens when I’m working on processing one particular memory and my stress levels are too high. Almost like my brain changes the channel to a different memory to process or sometimes wants to link memories together.
I get that too, like processing a given memory becomes too much but I am stuck in "deal with it' mode so my brain kicks out less traumatic but still intrusive bad memories.
Do I need to deal with the feelings associated with the memory fragment? I know that you aren't supposed to fill in the blanks
I don't know that you arent supposed to fill in the blanks. Not saying that I try to, but I have recovered lost parts of events that I know are real. It isn't uncommon to have strong memories of things that happened ten seconds before and ten seconds after something you totally lost.
I had an event where I couldn't tell you if I got out of a car and it rolled back, or if I was in the car and it rolled back, or if I was hit lightly from behind, in or out at the time. The mark on the bumper was there along with memory of a brief exchange with the other driver along the lines of I don't care if you don't care. At this point it doesn't matter. I am open to it if it comes up-fill in the blanks style.
 

Cypress

Confident
What I’ve learned about this in my situation is that it happens when I’m working on processing one particular memory and my stress levels are too high. Almost like my brain changes the channel to a different memory to process or sometimes wants to link memories together.

What I’ve been doing with it now is to find ways to reduce my stress and tolerate the cycling (not easy).
I think that this is what is happening. A different memory started coming back in nightmares and my therapist and I were working on it but then he went on paternity leave and I got stuck with this new one in its place. My stress levels went through the roof and I didn't do the best job of managing his leave, I tolerated it but I wasn't resilient really. Seems like it always comes back to reducing overall stress.

I would like to do EMDR and have discussed this with my therapist. He is worried that because I am dissociative ( doing a lot better with this) it might be destabilizing.

On thing that did help was that I managed to put the fragments together and make a coherent narrative out of it with some bits missing. I was at the beach with adults, we witnessed a man that the adults were afraid of run over a couple on the beach with his car. I saw the tire tracks on their backs and then someone put their hands over my eyes. We got into our car and started to drive fast. Someone in the car kept saying don't slow down, don't slow down. I overheard these same adults later saying, "he says that he didn't see them on the beach so they are going to let him walk. Bullshit." That's it but it makes sense now. The terror has fallen away from the memory now that I have a story for it. I don't know if these adults were my parents or just some random people they left me with once again.

The original memory I was working on? I have no recollection of it now. My therapist told me it will come back when I am ready.

It makes such a difference to know that other folks on this board have similar experiences, that my "crazy" is actually a type of "normal".
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have this always except it’s pleasureable. It’s hard to imagine the end result is the same . It’s not all pleasure there is a lot of it that is really awful but I attached all that to current events. (Used to) Like being insulted or threatened and I’d be all insane and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I overcame so much of that by being reclusive. Then in therapy she kept saying “it’s ok about sex”. Since it’s ok, Now that’s all I think about . The bad thoughts like I’m insulted or afraid or threatened I ignore as unreal trauma re enactment symptoms. I saw that I didn’t really care about any of that anyway. I can’t do anything about what people think anymore. Sex I can do. I know it’s a trauma re-enactment, partially. As far as cPTSD goes, I guess I’ll take it . Could be a lot worse . There are lost parts and traumatic memories . I don’t feel bad though . Just like all traumatic re enactment I want to keep doing it over. Since my earliest memories, this is how it is.
 
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