Occasionally too much contact with a therapist

[Dreamer146]

So I'm a bit scared to be honest.
There was a flood in my city and other cities around me and my therapist checked in with me to see if I'm ok. Well this was 6 days ago and since then we've been texting back and forth almost every day (therapeutic nature of course), and she really seems to care about me and that I matter because when I told her die to an incident I now gotta live with my parents for 2 weeks and that it could be that I need extra support, because there are often many fights, lots of critisism, and so on and she said she'll definitely respond to me and didn't say she's bothered yet or that I should stop... I exactly know that that's not the rule in therapy but rather an exception and I'm not sure what to do now, because I feel it makes me more dependent on her almost to an unhealthy amount in my opinion.... I'm scared of the first session after her holiday next Monday that she could "hurt" me by saying exactly this,even if I know already...

What should I do now?

 

[coraxxx]

Perhaps she’s doing it preemptively to make sure it’s okay for you to reach out in case you need, as she might know that certain patients say they’ll reach out and then simply sit in their pain thinking they’ll bother their therapist.

Depending on the intensity of checking back and fort I don’t know if it would be unhealthy. It might get unhealthy if this is giving you the sensation you’re somehow incompetent. I guess that you can address that with her simply and say what you think.

 

[Eagle3]

If its uncomfortable for you, then ease up on the texting. I went through a phase where I was texting with my T every day, but he always waited for me to initiate, and he didn't "converse" if the situation didn't warrant continued interaction. It was literally just daily check-ins. I stopped when I decided I'd had enough, we discussed it at session, and that was that. I can always text him for very specific reasons, and I never abuse that privilege, but I always initiate unless its a schedule change.

It's really sweet that your T is offering extra support. There may be a part of you that needs to learn to be ok with someone offering that level of support. HOWEVER, if its making you incredibly uncomfortable, DEFINITELY discuss the concerns in next session. In the meantime, to keep from feeling dependent, maybe set some rules for yourself with the texting, and let her know the rules you're working by so everyone is on the same page. Just another opportunity to work on communication and boundaries, right?

 

[Dreamer146]

If its uncomfortable for you, then ease up on the texting. I went through a phase where I was texting with my T every day, but he always waited for me to initiate, and he didn't "converse" if the situation didn't warrant continued interaction. It was literally just daily check-ins. I stopped when I decided I'd had enough, we discussed it at session, and that was that. I can always text him for very specific reasons, and I never abuse that privilege, but I always initiate unless its a schedule change.

It's really sweet that your T is offering extra support. There may be a part of you that needs to learn to be ok with someone offering that level of support. HOWEVER, if its making you incredibly uncomfortable, DEFINITELY discuss the concerns in next session. In the meantime, to keep from feeling dependent, maybe set some rules for yourself with the texting, and let her know the rules you're working by so everyone is on the same page. Just another opportunity to work on communication and boundaries, right?

Yes definitely. You know that's what my fwsr or better to say feeling is; that I do overstep her boundaries even if she hasn't said so... I have the feeling, I don't deserve this extra support too much because if she'd offer that to every patient , she wouldn't have any private life .
Not too sure where to even start to express and communicate this in the next session but that's definitely what I will need to do too

Perhaps she’s doing it preemptively to make sure it’s okay for you to reach out in case you need, as she might know that certain patients say they’ll reach out and then simply sit in their pain thinking they’ll bother their therapist.

Depending on the intensity of checking back and fort I don’t know if it would be unhealthy. It might get unhealthy if this is giving you the sensation you’re somehow incompetent. I guess that you can address that with her simply and say what you think.

Could you further explain in what way you mean "it might get unhealthy if this is giving you the sensation you're somehow incompetent?" In what way incompetent? That it could give the impression I'd be totally lost without her or how do you mean?:)

 

[coraxxx]

Could you further explain in what way you mean "it might get unhealthy if this is giving you the sensation you're somehow incompetent?" In what way incompetent? That it could give the impression I'd be totally lost without her or how do you mean?:)

Yes, mostly. To be more precise sometimes I had situations where the person was so directive towards what we were going to do (not with bad intentions, but wanting to do something nice or offer support or even just doing their dishes themselves or whatever) that I disinvested of my responsibility to take an initiative, and this can trigger a feeling of dependence/incompetence. Because you have a response before you could even prove you are competent. You haven’t been given the opportunity to be competent.

Following my example, I had an ex who would do all the dishes, all the times, every time, to the point it became quite complicated to do the dishes without actually fighting for it—and then obviously he would complain from time to time I could wash the dishes more often. But he didn’t realize the dishes weren’t even available to me, so how could I even measure how competent I was at dish washing? Then it became clearly unhealthy as in the moments he complained, I obviously resented him and it created all sorts of conflicts. Not saying that your T is in the exact same idea, but preemptively doing something, unless defined upfront, can cause confusion at the very least.

My T does message me when she knows my situation is so so because I have a history of becoming unresponsive and saying "yea everything is fine" while I’m actually banging my head against a wall. And after several times we noticed I wasn’t capable of reaching out myself, she did check in on therapeutic things, objectives that we did set together beforehand. However it’s always been very short and therapy-driven, that’s why I was asking about how much that messaging did occur. I can’t imagine a conversational thing.

Things went better since a day I got really distraught and asked if we couldn’t set an appointment before because I gave myself the permission to ask for help. Since then I’m not irritated by a check-in and find it much more balanced.

 

[Dreamer146]

Yes, mostly. To be more precise sometimes I had situations where the person was so directive towards what we were going to do (not with bad intentions, but wanting to do something nice or offer support or even just doing their dishes themselves or whatever) that I disinvested of my responsibility to take an initiative, and this can trigger a feeling of dependence/incompetence. Because you have a response before you could even prove you are competent. You haven’t been given the opportunity to be competent.

Following my example, I had an ex who would do all the dishes, all the times, every time, to the point it became quite complicated to do the dishes without actually fighting for it—and then obviously he would complain from time to time I could wash the dishes more often. But he didn’t realize the dishes weren’t even available to me, so how could I even measure how competent I was at dish washing? Then it became clearly unhealthy as in the moments he complained, I obviously resented him and it created all sorts of conflicts. Not saying that your T is in the exact same idea, but preemptively doing something, unless defined upfront, can cause confusion at the very least.

My T does message me when she knows my situation is so so because I have a history of becoming unresponsive and saying "yea everything is fine" while I’m actually banging my head against a wall. And after several times we noticed I wasn’t capable of reaching out myself, she did check in on therapeutic things, objectives that we did set together beforehand. However it’s always been very short and therapy-driven, that’s why I was asking about how much that messaging did occur. I can’t imagine a conversational thing.

Things went better since a day I got really distraught and asked if we couldn’t set an appointment before because I gave myself the permission to ask for help. Since then I’m not irritated by a check-in and find it much more balanced.

Yes it was not a conversational think in case you mean texting like a would text a friend. She just shows me that I have her support as a therapist and it makes me feel safe, connected and seen/heard.