SoSadGuilty
Confident
I have OCD, the form people often refer to as Pure O i.e. It takes the form of covert mental obsessions and the compulsions are therefore often covert. I compulsively comb my mind for memories of "bad things" I've done.I can search my mind until i find something vague that gives a feeling of guilt, I then set about unpicking it and trying to work it out in case i did something shameful or "bad". I also confess repeatedly to things I've done or am worried I've done. All of the confessing is reassurance seeking but no matter how much reassurance I get I still find yet another memory or another angle to worry about. Many of you will have read my introductory post and subsequent posts and realise that there are some real incidents that feed this anxiety and feeling of being bad. I have been under psychiatric care since my first severe episode in 2005 and I have also done CBT & various other therapy. I mentioned previously that one therapist I met once suggested I may have a form of PTSD. I genuinely believe I will never trust or stop doubting myself until I reach the root cause of all this self-doubt and feeling worthless and bad. The more I read about trauma and emotional trauma the more I believe this may be something I have to explore if I'm ever to get on with life. Otherwise I simply deal with it a bit and then bury it while getting on with life before another relapse. I can't keep doing this, it is so debilitating and painful. I'm trying so hard to not catastrophise but right now I'm convinced when I go outside everyone knows I'm evil. I'm convinced the police are going to knock on the door and lock me up. I'm convinced I've done something so abhorrent that my children and husband will leave me. I feel worthless and bad. I feel so bad.
Can anyone else relate?
Can anyone else relate?