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OCD Ocd, anxiety, guilt and shame

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SoSadGuilty

Confident
I have OCD, the form people often refer to as Pure O i.e. It takes the form of covert mental obsessions and the compulsions are therefore often covert. I compulsively comb my mind for memories of "bad things" I've done.I can search my mind until i find something vague that gives a feeling of guilt, I then set about unpicking it and trying to work it out in case i did something shameful or "bad". I also confess repeatedly to things I've done or am worried I've done. All of the confessing is reassurance seeking but no matter how much reassurance I get I still find yet another memory or another angle to worry about. Many of you will have read my introductory post and subsequent posts and realise that there are some real incidents that feed this anxiety and feeling of being bad. I have been under psychiatric care since my first severe episode in 2005 and I have also done CBT & various other therapy. I mentioned previously that one therapist I met once suggested I may have a form of PTSD. I genuinely believe I will never trust or stop doubting myself until I reach the root cause of all this self-doubt and feeling worthless and bad. The more I read about trauma and emotional trauma the more I believe this may be something I have to explore if I'm ever to get on with life. Otherwise I simply deal with it a bit and then bury it while getting on with life before another relapse. I can't keep doing this, it is so debilitating and painful. I'm trying so hard to not catastrophise but right now I'm convinced when I go outside everyone knows I'm evil. I'm convinced the police are going to knock on the door and lock me up. I'm convinced I've done something so abhorrent that my children and husband will leave me. I feel worthless and bad. I feel so bad.

Can anyone else relate?
 
I have OCD, the form people often refer to as Pure O i.e. It takes the form of covert mental obsessi...
OH GOD YES!!!! And I thought I was the only one who has done this. Although, I'm not triggered, this is something that I do and have done all of my life. This negative process is beating yourself over and over again for stuff you've regretted in the past.
This is something new I need to tell my counselor about. BLESS YOU for bringing this up. I was wondering if I was just imagining this or if it was part of my PTSD. I know I have survivor's guilt but I never knew this was an issue.
HUGS AND LOVE!!!!
 
Can anyone else relate?
Yup. Sigh. Except I do have overt compulsions as well.

I genuinely believe I will never trust or stop doubting myself until I reach the root cause of all this self-doubt and feeling worthless and bad.
I think you are on the right track here, but would add one caveat: you'll need to find the root of this feeling and then release the trauma somatically (assuming it is a traumatic memory). And then do lots of work on self compassion. Rinse and repeat. I say this because I believe in my case, I have found the root of my feeling of badness (or one of them - there is more than one for me), and it is a trauma so huge that I still don't really feel I've dealt with it. I looked at it and sort of put it on the shelf again in some disbelief. And I still have lots of times of feeling like the worst person in the world. It's going to take a lot more work than just recognizing at a cognitive level where the feelings come from.
 
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At the moment I'm so overwhelmed by the compulsions and anxiety that I can't face doing any of my CBT work. I've tried exercising to burn off the brain pain and anxious feelings but have had to revert to the valium again as it is the only thing that allows my brain to do anything other than check, check, check.... be horrified.... check some more and be further horrified. I'm tired and not sure I can keep doing this much longer
 
It's absolutely exhausting. Just wanted to validate that. Do you have a trauma therapist who can he...
No, I have no therapist at all. I couldn't contact my psychiatrist because of the holidays so I've been relying on my husband & close friend plus valium to keep me going.
 
Ouch. I sympathize. Any chance of getting a therapist? Sorry if you've answered this elsewhere. It does sound like you need someone.
 
I can't seem to post links, but a brief google search on both "trauma therapists Ireland" and "somatic experiencing Ireland" did lead to some information. I have no idea how to choose among them, but they definitely exist.
 
I can't seem to post links, but a brief google search on both "trauma therapists Ireland" and "somati...
Ok so can I be really stupid and ask how do you know what you're getting is the real deal.

I'll try similar searches now and thanks for tips
 
Hmm... well, I guess you meet with them once or talk over the phone and ask them some questions about what kind of work they do. I worked for a little while with someone who had a little training in somatic experiencing, and as far as it ever went was her asking me where I felt things in my body. Not very helpful. The therapist I am working with now is light years beyond that.

But in terms of exactly what questions to ask to tell if you are getting the real deal? I'm not sure I'm the right person to answer that. It would be a really good topic for a separate thread, though.
 
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