Relationship Offended over triffles

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Never_falter2

MyPTSD Pro
Need to vent, just once. So sorry. I‘ll try to make it short. You probably know my guy doesn’t likely go to restaurants but sometimes has to. When we go to a restaurant together he often gets offended over triffles, for example me mentioning to a waiter that he is hard if hearing, or a waiter talking a bit louder (because he thinks that she thought he was short of hearing).
He gets offended and irrational. Actually told me that me telling the waiter he was hard if hearing was one of the worst things that ever happened to him (thats horrible coming from a man with ptsd, so me telling the waiter he is hard of hearing=worse then the things that gave him PTSD?).
Okay. Back to what happened today: We had to go to a restaurant. He didn’t feel good about that place. Vet ordered latte machiatto and I asked him if it wasn’t a bit late for latte machiatto because of his trouble sleeping. He got very offended, was afraid everybody heard what I said, again told me that was one of the worst things that have happened to him - and then - when I didn’t agree that this was one of the worst things a woman could do to a man - stopped talking to me and was offended. After a while he started talking to me again and acted as if nothing had happened, actually was extra nice but didn’t mention it with a word.
That wasn’t really him, was just the ptsd talking, wasn’t it? Sorry again, just needed to rant. Won’t happen again.
 

Never_falter2

MyPTSD Pro
But I didn’t do anything bad, did I? He totally overreacted didn’t he when he quit talking to me because of that?
When he is like this in most cases it has to do with a restaurant. That’s why I thought it was PTSD. Typically he is difficult to offend, but when he is at a restaurant he is sometimes offended over triffles.
 

Chris-duck

Not Active
I'd be embarrassed if anyone pointed out my health issues in public, whether that is insomnia or hard of hearing or whatever. Like is it restaurant specific, or "in public" specific?

Yeah people get mad, but it's worth discussing with him. Some people are just more private than others.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Well, the examples you gave sound like he is embarrassed of having hearing issues... you mention it in public, and he gets angry. Sounds like the same thing happened with the coffee order. It sounds like he didn’t want it broadcast that he has sleeping issues.
 

Never_falter2

MyPTSD Pro
Its actually restaurant specific for him.
I told him that I was very sorry. He told me I was not nearly sorry enough in comparison to how horrible I had been and blamed me of just pretending to be sorry when I really wasn’t.
I told him I just wanted to help because I was afraid he wouldn’t sleep well. I told him that it won’t happen again but it wasn’t enough for him. He kept telling me over that it was one of the worst thing that ever has happened to him, one of the worst thing that can happen to a man, one of the worst things that a woman can do to a man and when I didn’t agree and told him that in fact I thought that there are things far worse in the world he stopped talking to me, acted like I didn’t even exist for a while.
 

Never_falter2

MyPTSD Pro
Well, the examples you gave sound like he is embarrassed of having hearing issues... you mention it in public, and he gets angry. Sounds like the same thing happened with the coffee order. It sounds like he didn’t want it broadcast that he has sleeping issues.
Yes, I think so too but I told him how sorry I was and that it won’t happen again.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
It sounds like he did blow it out of proportion, but it sounds more like a lost temper thing than a PTSD thing.

I would listen to what he’s saying, even if he’s exaggerating and in a snit about it. What I would take away is that he is sensitive about what he considers “weaknesses”, and he really doesn’t like when you mention them in public. It may have boiled over because it’s happened before with the hearing thing, and he just bundled the sleeping thing in with it all. It sounds like he just really wants you to stop doing that.

He lost his temper. He lashed out. He didn’t literally mean that it was the worst thing that ever happened to him. He was pissed off and trying to make a point. It’s like saying “I could just kill that guy” when somebody cut you off in traffic.
 

Friday

Moderator
I know you said you’re venting, so disregard if not helpful...

Perhaps, rather than “not do that again’, which just means more and more things can get added to the list of what not to do... come up with a plan to save face in public?

That way, in public, you simply ask yourself “What’s your plan?”

How do we show “Pride, strength, provider & protector” in public, whilst only you (& particular friends) get to know his softer side? You are a shield protecting that softer side in public. Both of you stronger together.
 
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Kamorth

Learning
Need to vent, just once. So sorry. I‘ll try to make it short... Sorry again, just needed to rant. Won’t happen again.

I might be wrong, but I was under the impression that needing to rant was at least part of the point of this forum. Why do you feel the need to apologize for using the space as it was intended?

PTSD can mean that we struggle to do things in public. That doesn't mean that we get a pass for unacceptable behaviour and over reacting. Sure, maybe pointing out that he's hard of hearing to service workers embarrasses him, but that doesn't justify the way he responded or whatever has happened that makes you apologize so much for things that you don't need to apologize for. I agree with Friday's suggestion of having a pre-discussed plan in place for situations like this, but I also hope that you are remembering that you are a person with your own feelings and needs and struggles as well, and you deserve to have them considered too.
 

Never_falter2

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks for sharing your opinion @Sweetpea76 and @Friday. Actually I know about his need not to be seen as weak in public but it wasn’t my intent to make him look weak. I just wanted to be helpful. Okay. I take away thatcher doesn’t want me to be helpful in public.
You know, the day before that we just discussed how he thinks too much caffeine in the evening is not good for him and that I should remind him if he forgets. Obviously not in public.

Talking about the time when I told the waiter he was hard of hearing. I think I had to because he didn’t get what she said, answered a question she didn’t ask and then the waiter seemed to be a bit puzzled.

@Kamorth I apologized because there is something wrong with my email and because if that what I wrote must be manually approved. Wanted to tell the mods I was sorry. I also realized that I am asking for advice far more than I am offering advice. I think I should have the integrity to offer asking advice than I take or it’s like stealing from the community.
However back to topic: I think he was really stressed by the situation. I realized from the way he sighed, the way he played with his cell phone and his keys, which is always a sign that he is stressed.
He typically is a mild mannered and friendly man.

But when we discussed the things I just described he just said some plain horrible things. For example after I told her he was hard of hearing, when we discussed the situation later, he told me I was being illoyal. He told me that he would die for me while I enjoy being illoyal.

Yesterday he told me over and over how this was the worst thing ever happening to him. That he cannot possibly think of anything worse I could do to him. That I must at least admit how inacceptable my behaviour was. That I was not nearly sorry enough so that I should stop pretending to be sorry altogether.

I know he might not meant to say that and might have felt really sorry later but it hurt me nevertheless.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
You can’t make logical sense of emotional responses, Hon. You’re going to drive yourself crazy.

He may have asked for help, but his behavior demonstrates opposite. This is one of those times that you as his supporter learn from his repeated behavior to similar situations. Next time he asks you to help him, I’d specifically ask him how he wants it handled in public, since his idea of how the public perceives him sets him off. If he gets snippy when you ask, then I wouldn’t help him at all in public. That’s a boundary. “Helping him is not mandatory, especially if he speaks to me that way. I choose not to help as long as he responds like that.”
 
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