Old Fears Come Back With No Warning

[Juicepaw]

Hello!

I am quite new but you guys seem great so I want to share this as well.
I have a past of severe anxiety disorders, PTSD, slight OCD and personality disorder cluster C. I had panic attacks and hypochondria so tough I wouldn't leave the house for 6 months straight almost every day and I consider myself lucky to be over with it. Miraculously enough I managed to overcome most of it with a great help from doctors and a good dose of herbal pills and self-imposed placebos.

I am happy things go way better, it has been a couple of years from the worst now, but I know it's not over. I don't have severe panic attacks anymore, but I still have symptoms coming up here and there and a slight yer persistent OCD. It takes little to trigger something I will call a big black cloud over my head - bad newspaper news can let me roll into the abyss and I am suddenly so sad and desperate it takes hours of TV shows binge watching and repeated OCD-like mantras to make it go away. When "normal", I am a very brave girl when it comes to challenging myself, traveling and all that stuff, but I am still overly anxious about anything and over-careful with food/medicines/touching stuff/walking home alone at night (the last one understandable,ok). A lot of magical thinking is also involved.

What I feel does not let me overcome the thing completely is that I still believe my brain. I believe if I do not have these dark moments my worst fears could materialize. However, sometimes my sadness and fear is so intense the only way I can go through with it is drinking. And this is not ok. I am not a super heavy drinker but I have indeed gotten drunk to forget.

I know it's a lot to take in but yes here is my story. Any tricks on how to overcome those dark clouds without wine or stop the mantras?

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Perhaps being you are not taking medication it may be helpful. I don't understand why suffering day in and out is a better alternative. Apart from it exercise is reported to be as effective as antidepressants and really helps me. Small goals that will boost your sense of accomplishment, and journaling and having a logical discussion with yourself (when no one is watching..lol) May I ask if you are working? Seems like you are ok to go buy the booze- which you probably know BTW is a depressant and going to in the long run make it worse. You say "I believe if I do not have these dark moments my worst fears would materialize" ..so you torture yourself repeatedly. Ask yourself if that makes sense. And what may I ask is magical thinking? I theorize there are probably a few unhealthy imbalances that may magnify the problem and was somewhat hesitant to reply honestly. You have to want to help yourself. Starting with even some small changes and a therapist may be a good thing if you are not seeing one. There are some online these days also. Hope things get better for you~ Also alternative therapies that may interest you and I believe have at points been therapeutic for myself include some binaural beats- isochronic tones and check into some brainwave entrainment therapies. Good luck!

 

[Juicepaw]

@4melissa thank you for your answer. All good points. I do have a job and that is what mostly makes me feel better - being busy, successful and productive makes me feel very happy. It's when I do nothing that my mind cracks, but I cannot live in fear of doing nothing or I would wind up with a mental breakdown.

The reason why I won't take medicines is that I have seen friends ending up with their freedom and happiness depending on a pill, and unable to stop. This is quite terrifying and I think I achieved much alone or with little help. However, obviously some symptoms are still there, so I do see a therapist.

last thing: concerning the part where you say I torture myself repeatedly...it might sound redundant, but yes I do, this is part of the mentioned OCD. You create some mantras for yourself which are not healthy, because you think those are the things which make your world spin and you would be lost without. It's part of the disorder.

I am ashamed to say I did not know that alcohol lead to depression on the long run...as a person I enjoy some glasses of wine but that means I will be more careful. Thanks for everything.