old friends, isolation


agoraphobia f*cking sucks haven't left my apartment in two months again. I got a notification from an old friend and I'm trying not to spiral. It's brought up a lot of negative memories and I'm trying to just shut it out so they don't become f*cking flashbacks. I just I'm really exhausted honestly. I have to rehome my retired service dog because he's people-reactive and tries to bite people even with a muzzle on and I don't have the ability to train it out of him because I can't be around people. I can't even be around my chosen family rn because I'm f*cking terrified they're going to leave when I need them. and I don't know what to do. I just so desperately want to be left alone by everyone but also I can't be alone. ?? It sucks. I feel stupid.
This old friend abandoned me when I needed them so I'm terrified that this might be the world's warning sign that I can't trust people anymore and that I'm gonna be alone again. Except this time i wont even have my bo to pull me back from the edge. It'll just be me in the night with my thoughts and the emptiness.
I understand where you are. I have been there. I tried everything I could to figure out why I was experiencing 100% full blown anxiety with no present apparent reason, in the present, and had been that way for 52 years. I have had no friends, I mean like close friends for a long time now, and I needed that time alone to resolve my inner conflicts. Please understand I am a survivor of childhood trauma, not that I am a dr. The best I can do is point you in the best direction "I" know of. I don't know if you are open to talk therapy or not. I found that for me, talking to therapists is what helped me to identify and isolate the reason for my anxiety. Over time, I learned to isolate the anxiety rather than myself. It was my childhood experiences that cause me to fear, beyond measure. I have found that now, after I experienced years of professional talk therapy, and eventually professional EMDR therapy, I was able to solve the conflict in my understanding of what "I" thought happened, and what really happened. It is a lot like re-framing if you know what that is. That may not make a lot of sense to you right now. I would recommend that eventually, to regain relaxation, that you seek out someone with a very good reputation as an EMDR Specialist in the area your trauma was in, if you know. For now, there are things that you can do immediately to feel more relaxed.

I was taught to imagine myself in a safe place. Mine was in a cave, of course, lol. But everyone feels safe somewhere, the first step is become associated with feeling safe. I was able to start there. It took time for me to learn how to feel safe and to go to that place in my mind where I felt safe. The idea is to teach yourself to feel safe, calm yourself to the point of relaxation, then you can do it no matter where you are when you get good at it.

Eating always slowed my mind down. Most often I would go to sleep after meals. Stay away from all caffeine. Stay away from as much sugar as you can. My body was operating at red alert all the time. I had to feed it a lot. I had to drink a lot of water, and my weight was not proportionate to what I ate. I was skinny, always have been, but ate like a horse. Vitamins. B complex, C, A, D, and E.

I found that for breakfast a meal replacement works better for me than eating anything.

Stretching. Stretch your back, and neck. They are probably in knots, like mine were. Stretching helps us to relax.

Walk as much as you can. Exercise burns the energy that is being fed to the anxiety. Training your mind, to be aware of your body helps. For example I used to wait till I felt starving hungry before I felt the first signs of hunger. Now its pretty mild and I feel it. If the only exercise you can do is walk, walking just happens to be the best exercise anyone can do.

I know you don't know me, and although I don't know you, I have been where you are, in my mind, locked up, afraid, terrified actually. For now, learn to find a place in your mind where you can feel safe. I could not stop thinking at the highest rate possible for 52 years. Now, I can stop thinking instantly, and start when I desire. I don't have to try to relax any more. It is my default.

I will help as much as I am able, but please keep in mind that although I have been through a lot. It may not have been what you went through. The only thing I can provide is the experiences I had. Yours will probably be different. There is "no" situation we have been in that "cannot" possibly be resolved by someone, somewhere, somehow. Right? For the long term solution, try to find an EMDR Specialist, not someone who does it on the side necessarily, I am not positive they can help you, but I am absolutely positive they helped me.

I am new here. My name is Bob. Although I wish it were under better circumstances, I'm glad we met, I comprehend, and I hope some of this helps.
My blood pressure went down and stayed down 30 points, my pulse dropped 15 bpm. I lost 30 lbs. This is from your intro thread. I'm now confused.
Thank you for letting me know I was unclear. I weighed 200+/- on Dec 26th, at that time, I was eating more than 2x as much as I am now, I had my metabolism measured a long time ago, I was putting away 3,500 calories a day, and ate that way for 30 something years, the most I ever weighed was 220. If I was not as anxious as I was I most likely should have been over 300lbs easy. 3-1/2 months after relaxing on Dec 27th, I am eating less than half the calories I was and I weigh 163. Every system in my body slowed down. I slept a lot more after relaxing, and I am sleeping a lot more now than I did before relaxing.

I do not understand all the changes that happened when I relaxed, but not one thing in me is the same. As time progresses, I will be able to understand more about what happened. My psych verified this change in me. My psychologist also. It is profound. I want to encourage anyone in recovery that recovery is more than stopping the pain. It is becoming fully integrated as a person, mind, body, and spirit or soul.

I am still processing the changes. But I am here, I may not be all there, but I am all here! : )