Old patterns

Invisible Fire

MyPTSD Pro
I have been in therapy for years. I know my triggers, or so I thought. I’ve been doing well. Few symptoms. Then BOOM. It all goes to hell. I went back to that person I hate being. Acted stupid and now I’m embarrassed and just frustrated. Push the right buttons and my craziness comes out. Not feeling well. Still feel a bit crazy, for lack of better word. Trying not to fall down this path again. But also wanting to be understood.
 

Friday

Moderator
Push the right buttons and my craziness comes out.
Right?

Sometimes it seems as complex as the 57 do-this-code to start a car without a key (left signal once, gear shift 3 times, tap break once, gear shift 1, break twice, recline seat 1 click, right turn signal 3 times, turn on heat, lock doors, windshield washer fluid, scoot passenger seat forward fully, turn on & off radio 3 times, unlock doors.... 42 indivudal movements to go) so there’s miles and miles of time to correct before KAPOW!!!

Other times it’s just a Big. Red. Button. SItting next to the plate of donuts. And a can of RedBull.
 

Invisible Fire

MyPTSD Pro
I appreciate being understood. Now I am trying to protect that big red button. At least hide the donuts or place the button in the closet for now. Like a live wire I can feel it at the surface. Deep breaths, stay busy, pretend and try to stay present
 

Invisible Fire

MyPTSD Pro
So I went to therapy and tried to explain what happened. It all sounded so stupid when I was telling it. Then as I was afraid would happen he asked a question. And the truth comes out. I am starting to see my reactions for what they were. which I already knew but now I understand. It is so hard to just be me and have my views and thoughts and opinions. I remember a past therapy session where the looking glass self was mentioned. I have made progress and I will do my best not to beat myself up more. I do tend to punch myself in the face before someone else can. Ha! You can't hurt me because i've already done it for you. But, I do trust my therapist and he says that seeing these patterns and knowing what I need to work on is a huge step. Not sure why progress sometimes comes in times when i've been thrown down and rolling in the mud. Might relax my defenses a bit now
 
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