One of my top 10 nightmares just came to life - My abuser attending my nephew’s engagement party.

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
My nephew got engaged. His father (my ex-brother-in-law) was one of my rapists. I’m petrified of him.

They had quite a few kids and it was torture seeing him at each wedding. And now the last one, the baby, is engaged.

Difference between those times and now: I had not retrieved any of my trauma memories yet. Although I was petrified of him, I didn’t know why.

Now I do.

I should be happy for my nephew.

Instead I’ve been crying nonstop since finding out.

(I’m also worried that I may confront him)

So many panic attacks today. Anyone deal with something like this? Help? Advice??

Help!
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
yup, i've dealt with similar. my reflexive response was flight or fight. i either ran like a bat out of hell or i went kamakazi to remove the threat once and for all. pre-therapy, i could no more have stopped myself than i could stop a tornado.

in therapy i started learning ways to accept the reflexive response as natural while using the trigger event as a processing aid. mindfully working through the event instead of catering to mindless reflex went a long way toward healing and peacefully taking back the power which had been stolen from me.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what is right for you in this particular case.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I
yup, i've dealt with similar. my reflexive response was flight or fight. i either ran like a bat out of hell or i went kamakazi to remove the threat once and for all. pre-therapy, i could no more have stopped myself than i could stop a tornado.

in therapy i started learning ways to accept the reflexive response as natural while using the trigger event as a processing aid. mindfully working through the event instead of catering to mindless reflex went a long way toward healing and peacefully taking back the power which had been stolen from me.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what is right for you in this particular case.
I don’t have time to learn all this. The engagement party will be better today and 3 days time
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Update: engagement party is on Thursday.

Please help!

One thing I really want is to have a line to say to him just in case I’m alone with him. Any ideas?
 

Sideways

Moderator
One thing I really want is to have a line to say to him just in case I’m alone with him.
"Excuse me, I have to be somewhere else".

What do you use to cope with stressful event's generally? Tools in your toolbox that you're familiar?

One of my best tools? Is walk away. Calmly, quietly. In social situations, I have no obligation to answer questions, participate in conversations, or tolerate specific people's company. Alone with this guy? I'd just walk away. Which doesn't necessarily mean walk out.

I used to be a smoker, which was an excellent excuse to leave. Now as a non-smoker? I've realised that actually, walking out to breathe, in any social situation, is not only acceptable, but something a surprising number of people do all the damn time.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
"Excuse me, I have to be somewhere else".

What do you use to cope with stressful event's generally? Tools in your toolbox that you're familiar?

One of my best tools? Is walk away. Calmly, quietly. In social situations, I have no obligation to answer questions, participate in conversations, or tolerate specific people's company. Alone with this guy? I'd just walk away. Which doesn't necessarily mean walk out.

I used to be a smoker, which was an excellent excuse to leave. Now as a non-smoker? I've realised that actually, walking out to breathe, in any social situation, is not only acceptable, but something a surprising number of people do all the damn time.
A part of me wants to get him to admit to something, no matter how small.

And I AM a smoker so I’m scared he can catch me alone outside

I have no tools for this type of situation. Since I’ve started having memories return I haven’t had to see any molesters
 

Sideways

Moderator
A part of me wants to get him to admit to something, no matter how small.
I get this, I do. But obviously, even if he could be persuaded to (very unlikely), this wouldn't be the situation to pursue the issue.
I have no tools for this type of situation.
Stress tools generally. For example for me? When I know I have a stressful day or event coming up, I plan my down time for afterwards, and will sometimes touch base with a support person beforehand. Things that you usually do to cope with stress.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I get this, I do. But obviously, even if he could be persuaded to (very unlikely), this wouldn't be the situation to pursue the issue.

Stress tools generally. For example for me? When I know I have a stressful day or event coming up, I plan my down time for afterwards, and will sometimes touch base with a support person beforehand. Things that you usually do to cope with stress.
Makes sense. Thanks. I’ll try
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Update: Im weak. He won. I didn’t go to the small family only engagement party.

Actual party is in 4 hours and I currently don’t feel like I can go.

shit!T!!!!!
 

Friday

Moderator
Update: Im weak. He won. I didn’t go to the small family only engagement party.
Bullshit.

Your NEPHEW won, by you taking the hit. By deciding rather than turning his party into a bloodbath, or drama filled whatever, as you & your abuser used his party to face off… to stay home.

He might not see it that way, if you don’t tell him. But, at the very least, you should know… that you put your nephew first. If you’d have gone, instead of being an engagement party, it would have been a rape-revenge-face off. Choosing to do that on your own time? Isn’t your rapist winning Jack shit. It’s your nephew not losing to the effects of what your uncle/his father has done in his life. Except? That he lost out on you being there. Which he may have preferred to disinvite his father, than you. If he’d been given the choice.

That you’re not in a place to give him that choice? Is fair. His father raped you. You don’t owe him, or anyone, “rights” to that.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Bullshit.

Your NEPHEW won, by you taking the hit. By deciding rather than turning his party into a bloodbath, or drama filled whatever, as you & your abuser used his party to face off… to stay home.

He might not see it that way, if you don’t tell him. But, at the very least, you should know… that you put your nephew first. If you’d have gone, instead of being an engagement party, it would have been a rape-revenge-face off. Choosing to do that on your own time? Isn’t your rapist winning Jack shit. It’s your nephew not losing to the effects of what your uncle/his father has done in his life. Except? That he lost out on you being there. Which he may have preferred to disinvite his father, than you. If he’d been given the choice.

That you’re not in a place to give him that choice? Is fair. His father raped you. You don’t owe him, or anyone, “rights” to that.
U may be right… :)

I almost went. I took a shower which is a massive issue for me due to “someone” trying to drown me in bathtub but I did it. Got dressed too.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m not going because (unwillingly goddamit) tears keep streaming so it’s impossible to wear makeup.

(Obviously, I know that’s not the real reason but it’s a practical one)
 
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