One small step


Just the word "diary" is intimidating to me: expressing my thoughts and feelings, and in a public place, to boot! After a lifetime of being judged by myself and others......

In 2 and a half hours it will be 2022. I'm horribly lonely and bored, as usual, at the holidays, but what I am not feeling is completely obliterated by my "Holiday Hell." This year, I have been less triggered! I can still feel the terror and trauma of what happened 50 years ago, but I have an occasional respite where I can actually hear my inner adult guiding me instead of just the traumatized kids either screaming or gone catatonic.

(I don't have DID, but have long been aware of having kids of different ages inside of me who hold the secrets of what horrific things have been done to me growing up. I adore these brave warriors who are so sweet and funny! I don't have actual children- the 5-6 traumatized ones I live with inside are plenty enough, thank you!)

Christmas is a trigger for me. Actually it starts in October as we approach Nov and Dec which are all about family. I am usually in a cPTSD kind of fugue/ fog. Each year it has gotten better, and this year I'm actually already starting to come out of it. But I feel the panic just around the edges. Often it's mid-January before I can function again.

My feelings have been getting more clear and more intense the past 6 months. My kids are telling me more about what the assorted abuses were like. And this week they yelled "Stop!" to the tv when an animal abuse commercial came on. It was like 2 years ago when I heard myself yell "No" to someone as my inner parent spoke up to protect me/us. And now I've heard my kids speak up for themselves! It's amazing to know and see myself healing and growing even as I suffer the worst during the year.

Anyway, my kids have been absolutely pissed this year because they don't ever get a Christmas. The entire world gets a special holiday with food, gifts, joy, peace on earth, singing, lots of different cookies, etc., and what do I get every year? TRIGGERED! I get to spend 2 to 3 months in a semi-dissociative state where I have to avoid people and society just to survive. I surprise myself every year by not killing myself. Oh, the agony my kids hold! How did they/ I ever survive it?

I do try to enjoy the winter solstice and do a few small holiday-ish things, but for my kids, it is never enough. They are always SO disappointed! Sometimes we cut out paper snowflakes; this year we did a lot of online Christmas jigsaw puzzles while listening to instrumental holiday music. I buy myself a few small gifts, but I never bother to wrap them. My kids would love to tear open packages Christmas morning. Maybe next year, if I can remember to do it extra early, like in June.

And here it is one week later when we're all making plans for the new year, promising ourselves to do better. So much Hope only 7 days after an anniversary of torture. Come on, people, I need more time to recover than that!

I started texting jokes to my T.
Today's was "May all our troubles last as long as our resolutions do."

(now it's one and a half hours to 2022. maybe I'll go to bed.)
I appreciate that I'm growing- I'm taking more risks regarding people. I had basically stopped trying to make or have friends about 5-7 years ago. There's one brother I talk to 2-3 times a year. otherwise, it's just me and my T and 2 neighbors I encounter every so often. I really cut people out of my life. So many people who just can't understand me. And a lifetime of abuse and abandonment. I've had 2 separate therapists who have suddenly dropped me as a client. I worked with one for 10 years, and she knew of my abandonment issues. I have wondered my entire life how and why I keep attracting people who do hurtful things. ( I think now that it's about spiritual growth and kharma.)

Yesterday, I read a bit of a neighborhood chatroom regarding fireworks from the New Year. I have cPTSD and struggle so much with sudden, loud noises. I had to go open my mouth and comment on how vets, first responders and so many others suffer during fireworks. "Shouldn't we honor these people and not terrify them?"

This was my risk-taking behavior, My kids are getting braver and I'm starting to actually know what I feel and am developing words to express it. A huge change for me. I wasn't allowed to have my feelings growing up, much less express them. To survive, I had to just follow everybody else's lead.

Well, surprise, surprise. The snarkies came out in full force. All their mean, snotty remarks. I expected some of this, but I guess the nice people were doing other things which left just the meanies.

What bothers me is that it upset me for an entire day! I used to have negative tapes playing in the back of my mind every day, most of the day. But after my "worthiness" epiphany, they finally stopped their chatter. I noticed yesterday feeling the negative comments again and feeling in danger. They have my name and the area in which I live, so someone could find me.

I am probably not in any real danger, but I learned very well growing up that I am never safe. You just never know when someone wants to hurt somebody. I hated feeling in danger like that again. And I, of course, have thought of many other things I want to say. Some are snarky also which is quite a change for me too. I will hold my tongue though, out of prudence. But, boy, do I want to educate them! Oh, I gotta laugh at my spunky side who wants to talk finally!

All those people in my life, and I never had anything smart to say. Now I do, but I know I shouldn't. Damn.