One step forward Eighteen steps back

Sorry if this makes no sense and bounces around a lot. I haven't slept in 36 hours and I'm using medical cannabis to try to cope. I also don't know if this belongs in this part of the forum sorry if it doesn't
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Been feeling so up and down lately since losing my friends. One productive week and I got burnt out so bad that I've been in my apartment for two weeks because I can't breathe when I see other people.

Been having negative thoughts and self-talk about a video that stumbled across my feed earlier. Someone was grieving; screaming and yelling as they drove; because someone they loved had ended their own life. I just... I feel so disconnected from people and everyone around me now that I recognized their grief and their pain but I just...My first thought wasn't even about them It was about me and how since I've lost all my close friends there would be no one that would grieve for me like that and mean it.

I hate this constant feeling of "Okay I'm progressing I'm changing! Great!" to "I haven't left my apartment in 14 days and I cried today because I had to talk to my next-door neighbor." I just... I've been trying to show myself empathy and not pity but it's just so frustrating to feel like this. I'm angry at myself and I'm disappointed. I want to do more but I just can't I"m trying so hard but it doesn't seem to matter

Having DID is also so fun when it comes to this stuff. Because my brain responds with "no one will ever actually know you." and that I'm too much effort for anyone to try. I just I understand that the feeling is magnified rn because of self-isolation but I just... ever since Finn formed I've just been feeling so much worse and he trusts me so much that If we attempted he would let me because he trusts me and believes that I want to help the system even if I don't. I just even with all of the alters not being a problem. Just me with cptsd. I'm so fragmented anyway. I don't even feel like a full person like I'm only worth half the value of a normal person.

Any grief experienced by my imagined passing always ends quickly. It's like... the people in my life don't love me. They like the things I do or the way I am when I'm happy and a yes man. They like it when I don't talk about being disabled. But every time "I'm" doing that it's not me. It's Finn. It just... hurts. I hurt. I don't think I want to hurt myself... I just wish someone could love me not even romantic love. Just someone that could love me flaws and trauma and all. That someone would care enough in a fight or when I've been triggered to say " Because I love you I don't think you're being rationale right now. I think you should take some time and we can revisit this in the morning or later when you're calm." Ya know? I don't want it to seem like I want someone else to do the work for me or anything. I don't. I understand that I have to heal and feel out all this by myself. I just... I wish someone would be in my life that doesn't use my episodes as excuses to break up our relationship or isolate me from others for several days. I just..... I don't do this shit on purpose. I don't want to. Sometimes I don't even know I'm triggered until hours after it's happened. I just wish for once someone would care enough to say "You're not thinking like yourself right now. Let's revisit this." That's it. That's all I want... Is that too much to ask? Am I wrong in this? I just don't know...
 

Sideways

Moderator
@Theasylumsystem - I've shifted this to the Dysregulation forum, but if you feel it belongs better elsewhere, just drop us a line at Contact Us.

Your post touches on a few different issues, and the big ticket item sounds a lot like loneliness (which is a sunnuvabitch). But you also sound like you might be having a fairly severe depressive episode right now?

If you're completely sleep deprived (36 hours - that's really tough), that's going to magnify all those issues at once, and make them impossible to overcome. So I'd personally be prioritising that (for me? If all else fails, I aim for quality rest, using guided relaxation tracks to turn off the monkey mind).

But next up - no, you don't need to be this lonely. You won't stay this lonely. You will rebuild significant relationships in your life. If you can, perhaps consider reaching out to therapeutic supports to get some additional help with the depression? To get that forward momentum happening?
 
@Theasylumsystem - I've shifted this to the Dysregulation forum, but if you feel it belongs better elsewhere, just drop us a line at Contact Us.

Your post touches on a few different issues, and the big ticket item sounds a lot like loneliness (which is a sunnuvabitch). But you also sound like you might be having a fairly severe depressive episode right now?

If you're completely sleep deprived (36 hours - that's really tough), that's going to magnify all those issues at once, and make them impossible to overcome. So I'd personally be prioritising that (for me? If all else fails, I aim for quality rest, using guided relaxation tracks to turn off the monkey mind).

But next up - no, you don't need to be this lonely. You won't stay this lonely. You will rebuild significant relationships in your life. If you can, perhaps consider reaching out to therapeutic supports to get some additional help with the depression? To get that forward momentum happening?
Thank you I appreciate it. I'm trying to sleep but It's not coming easy tonight. I'm gonna try the tracks you recommended! I have twice-a-week appointments with my T right now I just have really been feeling down today and needed to get out. Thank you again for your comment I appreciate other views on this and your opinion has come to be one I respect highly
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I just wish someone could love me not even romantic love. Just someone that could love me flaws and trauma and all. That someone would care enough in a fight or when I've been triggered to say " Because I love you I don't think you're being rationale right now. I think you should take some time and we can revisit this in the morning or later when you're calm." Ya know? I don't want it to seem like I want someone else to do the work for me or anything. I don't. I understand that I have to heal and feel out all this by myself. I just... I wish someone would be in my life that doesn't use my episodes as excuses to break up our relationship or isolate me from others for several days. I just..... I don't do this shit on purpose. I don't want to. Sometimes I don't even know I'm triggered until hours after it's happened. I just wish for once someone would care enough to say "You're not thinking like yourself right now. Let's revisit this." That's it. That's all I want... Is that too much to ask? Am I wrong in this? I just don't know...

Welcome. These are real live human feelings. They are hard won for many of us, so congratulations Now, try to take in the fact that this may be your own grieving, triggered by watching someone else grieve. And grieving is to way to healing. Maybe you need to cry. To scream about the unfairness of it all! Nothing wrong with that. Just remember to move forward after you do so. This healing thing is about keeping moving .... just keep moving. I used to say that to myself a thousand times a day.

You said you are not sleeping and using medical cannabis to try to manage. That could be swinging you all around the highs and the lows. Are you smoking it? Do you have CBD oil that can balance you out? Smoking brings highs and crashes, which I am guessing isn't something that will be helpful for you right now. Oil is more of a slow ebb. Sounds like you could use some relaxation. If you are able to use CBD (if that is helpful to you) to relax the body, your mind will follow.

Be well. My thoughts are of you today.
 

Bigmess

Learning
I know exactly how you feel there, very little things can set me off into isolation again. when I'm out around others I always feel like I need to be perfect or I'm too much and too dysfunctional. If I can't be that more bubbly, content me than I'm just not going to be that person or a person for that matter at all so I disappear save for dragging myself to work that is usually just 4-6 hours of me trying not to have a mental breakdown. Definitely not something I ever want to do eitherbut have to since my well being gets so fragile. I'll at least try to go for walks in the forest now and then so I'm t least getting a little more space that doesn't happen to be around a lot of people (usually I don't see any). I try to keep in mind these periods also seem longer than they really are because of that that when you're so burnt out in them time really gets amplified, an hour with that sense of emptiness and boredom can feel like many. In fact I usually end up just dazing out completely for hours at a time if nothing else is happening without even actually taking a nap. If it's currently the best you can do in the given situation , I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Would be nice if there was someone out there that understood things like this moreToday is one of those days actually, I am luckily not needing to be anywhere and am personally in the middle of another situation I'm trying to work out which usually triggers them as finding grounding for myself can be a bit difficult as is. It's a different kind of exhaustion than just a "I'm a little tired", it's like having the life sucked right out of you.
 
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