Sitting up, writing this post. Trying desperately to stay present, to not self harm. It just passed midnight in my corner of the world. That means it's now April 18. One year since the day she died. I stared at the glaring light of my phone in my dark room as the minutes passed closer to midnight. Unable to look away but unable to bear the thought of it being one year. I was frozen. I started sobbing. I had a panic attack. I felt miserable and thought of my razor. I sat up and started to write this post. It just started raining. Pouring. It was silent a few moments ago. Somehow one year feels so much.. worse?.. more significant?..awful? than one day ago. I'm angry at the universe for taking her away from me. I'm angry at myself for all the times I've felt suicidal - I fear it's doing her memory a disservice - like I'm taking my life for granted, when she doesn't have hers anymore. I remember this day one year ago so vividly. In the year of nightmares I have had since, my memory has been impacted so much. But I still remember what I was wearing. What I (didn't) have for dinner that night. What the weather was like in the days following. I'm too scared to fall asleep, because it means when I wake up I'll have to actually face the day. That frightens me. I don't feel strong. I feel like a small helpless child. It makes me shudder just seeing the date on my computer as I write this. I just want to block out the whole world, and make everything go away. Like if I pretend it's not true then it won't be. But I know that's not the case. God I miss you G. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I still can't believe you're gone. I know that your energy will remain in the universe forever. I see you in birds that fly over head. I see you when the wind blows through the leaves of trees that are slowly gaining their autumn colours. I see you in lush green grass. In flowing rivers. In sunshine and in wildflowers. But dammit I wish I could just see you as you right now.