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One year since the day

Discussion in 'Death' started by bellbird, Apr 17, 2018.

  1. bellbird

    bellbird Active Member Donated

    Sitting up, writing this post. Trying desperately to stay present, to not self harm.

    It just passed midnight in my corner of the world. That means it's now April 18. One year since the day she died.
    I stared at the glaring light of my phone in my dark room as the minutes passed closer to midnight. Unable to look away but unable to bear the thought of it being one year. I was frozen. I started sobbing. I had a panic attack. I felt miserable and thought of my razor. I sat up and started to write this post. It just started raining. Pouring. It was silent a few moments ago.

    Somehow one year feels so much.. worse?.. more significant?..awful? than one day ago. I'm angry at the universe for taking her away from me. I'm angry at myself for all the times I've felt suicidal - I fear it's doing her memory a disservice - like I'm taking my life for granted, when she doesn't have hers anymore.
    I remember this day one year ago so vividly. In the year of nightmares I have had since, my memory has been impacted so much. But I still remember what I was wearing. What I (didn't) have for dinner that night. What the weather was like in the days following.

    I'm too scared to fall asleep, because it means when I wake up I'll have to actually face the day. That frightens me. I don't feel strong. I feel like a small helpless child. It makes me shudder just seeing the date on my computer as I write this. I just want to block out the whole world, and make everything go away. Like if I pretend it's not true then it won't be. But I know that's not the case.

    God I miss you G. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I still can't believe you're gone. I know that your energy will remain in the universe forever. I see you in birds that fly over head. I see you when the wind blows through the leaves of trees that are slowly gaining their autumn colours. I see you in lush green grass. In flowing rivers. In sunshine and in wildflowers. But dammit I wish I could just see you as you right now.
    Freida, Mee, scout86 and 1 other person like this.
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  3. Joan

    Joan Well-Known Member Donated

    Take sweet care of yourself and honor her. so sorry for the loss and the pain.
    Mee, bellbird and littleoc like this.
  4. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this. You're doing the right thing by trying to stay grounded.

    If you need to talk, we're here. One step at a time -- you'll get through this.

    For what it's worth, I am glad that you have been here. You're right -- life is precious, and it isn't fair when it's taken away from those we love. But you have no need to feel you're dishonoring her memory. Lots of people feel these emotions you're having -- you aren't alone. Just hang in there.

    Gentle hugs, if accepted
    Freida, Mee and bellbird like this.
  5. bellbird

    bellbird Active Member Donated

    hugs graciously accepted
    littleoc and Mee like this.
  6. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

    Anniversaries/ trigger dates can be difficult. I hope you can be gentle and kind to yourself.
    littleoc and bellbird like this.
  7. brokenEMT

    brokenEMT Well-Known Member

    April 18th is an anniversary date for me also. I lost my partner to suicide in 2015.
    I have no answers, just understanding and support.
    littleoc, bellbird and Freida like this.
  8. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    I'm so sorry......
    bellbird likes this.
  9. bellbird

    bellbird Active Member Donated

    Oh @brokenEMT , I know I have no words that will make it better but my heart goes out to you and I send you back my support, and hugs, if accepted.:hug:
    littleoc, brokenEMT and Freida like this.
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