Dom Violence ongoing guilt and feeling that i exhagerate my problems

Dartaniam345

New Here
as the title says, i costantly feel guilt over what happened. on top of that i'm always told that i do this for attention, get dismissed as someone uncapable of living on his own and that always had to be taken care of.
Growing up, i was subjected to costant punishments and "correctional" beatings from my father and sometimes from my mother who always has been distant and make me feel like a burden. On top of that, i've always had the school saying how i'm " different" and that i need to be followed by a psychologists since kindergarden.
Going to school i've always faced several bullying episodes until my 17-18 yo. i was always quite, couldnt talk properly and was always in another world.
While i do realise that it's not my fault, i keep having this guilt on me. after all the punishments were correctional, the teachers always told us that i was different, everyone made fun of me for various reasons.
to this day i keep putting myself in duscussion thanks also to my sister and mother always telling me i exhagerate things. maybe i do have a warped perception of things.
i keep having to talk to my father and can't bring myself to tell him to f*ck off. to this day i'm always on the lookout for any sign of beating and insults plus various symptoms classic of ptsd, inlcuding several suicide attempts since 10 yo approx. i still remmebe that the first knot i learned to do was a hanging knot...
Put i still feel guilt, i still feel like an asshole for speaking out, i still feel like an outcast.
I'm slowly trying to at least rationally tell myself it maybe not be my fault, but i guess it's gonna take a while.
I'll update thi thread from time to times on this sensation. until then, best regards.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, welcome to the site. It's perfectly ok to talk and this is an excellent place to do it. There's always been a stigma about men not being allowed to share their thoughts and feelings and in the end it just makes us unwell, causing mental illness. You can share anything you want here. It's your diary.

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you now?

It really sounds like you've been through alot. This is a great place for support.

Best wishes🙂
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
Hi, welcome to the site. It's perfectly ok to talk and this is an excellent place to do it. There's always been a stigma about men not being allowed to share their thoughts and feelings and in the end it just makes us unwell, causing mental illness. You can share anything you want here. It's your diary.

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you now?

It really sounds like you've been through alot. This is a great place for support.

Best wishes🙂
Hi, thanks for welcoming me ! I am slowly growing fond of this thread as it's making me more aware of what PTSD actually entails.
This last week was a turmoil due to the diagnosis.

I've been 22 to for a month now, don't mind sharing my age here 乁| ・ 〰 ・ |ㄏ

Edit: indeed there's a stigma in this. Especially growing up I kept being told that I have to man up etc... Ended up trying to adopt an adult mentality while only barely a teen, I've basically skipped childhood and adolescence because I felt I had to make up for my father wrongdoings .
It ended up biting me back tho.
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
Yeah I understand. My childhood and adolescence was pretty terrible also. It f*cks you up. What's your support network like? People that understand? Friends/doctor/therapist?
For now my support group consists of my therapist grandparents ( tho tho they're old and can't grasp the idea of PTSD very well but they have been my only "safe space" for years and still are ) three friends, one of which also has PTSD so that's a real help with discussing this whole ordeal.
As for therapy ive been taking it more seriously these last two years.

So ye, I can only really talk about it with my therapist and that one friend who has it.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I had the same thoughts and feelings when I had my breakdown at age 52. I had buried my trauma and when it all came out, poof, I lost it. I worked hard with a trauma therapist to change how I thought of myself. You have probably had PTSD since your early childhood, so it's no wonder you were different! Poor soul. Keep working through therapy and you will find that there are small improvements that accumulate into big ones. We have your back here. Talk to us too.
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
i think it is due time i update this thread.
i got myself a job, not the best but i guess it's good enough for now. Yet, i think i should've not been hired. almost as if i deprived someone more deserving of it. moreover this guilt is still on me. the last few months have been a rollercoaster; seein my grandmother so worried about me makes me want to hide. I told myself that i should not be ina bad state in front of her yet i can't stop but dumping and crying in front her. i can't even give the allure that i'm allright and that makes fell shameful. I really hoped that maybe getting a job and finding a new structure for my days would help but i just feel ashamed of being alive.
i feel ashamed that i still have to weight on the shoulders of my parents and guilty of not findigna job that can give me proper stability.
my therapist toldme that i should start thinking more about myself, but hat also feels wrong to me. i'm not working for my future, i working to make my grandparents think i'm ok, and not succeeding.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Good on you for getting a job! I haven't had a job since my breakdown. Sometimes I think I can work, but most often not. People think that getting a job is all a lot of mentally ill people needed to get better. No, it doesn't always work that way. Maybe you could use this time to work on yourself with your therapist. Beatings aren't "correctional", they are abusive. None of what happened was your fault. PTSD is HARD! The fact that you are in therapy shows that you are trying to get better and that's all you have to focus on now.
 

katz

MyPTSD Pro
as the title says, i costantly feel guilt over what happened. on top of that i'm always told that i do this for attention, get dismissed as someone uncapable of living on his own and that always had to be taken care of.
Growing up, i was subjected to costant punishments and "correctional" beatings from my father and sometimes from my mother who always has been distant and make me feel like a burden. On top of that, i've always had the school saying how i'm " different" and that i need to be followed by a psychologists since kindergarden.
Going to school i've always faced several bullying episodes until my 17-18 yo. i was always quite, couldnt talk properly and was always in another world.
While i do realise that it's not my fault, i keep having this guilt on me. after all the punishments were correctional, the teachers always told us that i was different, everyone made fun of me for various reasons.
to this day i keep putting myself in duscussion thanks also to my sister and mother always telling me i exhagerate things. maybe i do have a warped perception of things.
i keep having to talk to my father and can't bring myself to tell him to f*ck off. to this day i'm always on the lookout for any sign of beating and insults plus various symptoms classic of ptsd, inlcuding several suicide attempts since 10 yo approx. i still remmebe that the first knot i learned to do was a hanging knot...
Put i still feel guilt, i still feel like an asshole for speaking out, i still feel like an outcast.
I'm slowly trying to at least rationally tell myself it maybe not be my fault, but i guess it's gonna take a while.
I'll update thi thread from time to times on this sensation. until then, best regards.
I"m so sorry that you went thru this. I can understand the humiliation of it. When I was in my 30's I listened to my mom telling a man I was dating that "she has been making this stuff up for years." She also told him "not to believe me."
 
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