Dom Violence ongoing guilt and feeling that i exhagerate my problems

Dartaniam345

New Here
as the title says, i costantly feel guilt over what happened. on top of that i'm always told that i do this for attention, get dismissed as someone uncapable of living on his own and that always had to be taken care of.
Growing up, i was subjected to costant punishments and "correctional" beatings from my father and sometimes from my mother who always has been distant and make me feel like a burden. On top of that, i've always had the school saying how i'm " different" and that i need to be followed by a psychologists since kindergarden.
Going to school i've always faced several bullying episodes until my 17-18 yo. i was always quite, couldnt talk properly and was always in another world.
While i do realise that it's not my fault, i keep having this guilt on me. after all the punishments were correctional, the teachers always told us that i was different, everyone made fun of me for various reasons.
to this day i keep putting myself in duscussion thanks also to my sister and mother always telling me i exhagerate things. maybe i do have a warped perception of things.
i keep having to talk to my father and can't bring myself to tell him to f*ck off. to this day i'm always on the lookout for any sign of beating and insults plus various symptoms classic of ptsd, inlcuding several suicide attempts since 10 yo approx. i still remmebe that the first knot i learned to do was a hanging knot...
Put i still feel guilt, i still feel like an asshole for speaking out, i still feel like an outcast.
I'm slowly trying to at least rationally tell myself it maybe not be my fault, but i guess it's gonna take a while.
I'll update thi thread from time to times on this sensation. until then, best regards.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, welcome to the site. It's perfectly ok to talk and this is an excellent place to do it. There's always been a stigma about men not being allowed to share their thoughts and feelings and in the end it just makes us unwell, causing mental illness. You can share anything you want here. It's your diary.

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you now?

It really sounds like you've been through alot. This is a great place for support.

Best wishes🙂
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
Hi, welcome to the site. It's perfectly ok to talk and this is an excellent place to do it. There's always been a stigma about men not being allowed to share their thoughts and feelings and in the end it just makes us unwell, causing mental illness. You can share anything you want here. It's your diary.

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you now?

It really sounds like you've been through alot. This is a great place for support.

Best wishes🙂
Hi, thanks for welcoming me ! I am slowly growing fond of this thread as it's making me more aware of what PTSD actually entails.
This last week was a turmoil due to the diagnosis.

I've been 22 to for a month now, don't mind sharing my age here 乁| ・ 〰 ・ |ㄏ

Edit: indeed there's a stigma in this. Especially growing up I kept being told that I have to man up etc... Ended up trying to adopt an adult mentality while only barely a teen, I've basically skipped childhood and adolescence because I felt I had to make up for my father wrongdoings .
It ended up biting me back tho.
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
Yeah I understand. My childhood and adolescence was pretty terrible also. It f*cks you up. What's your support network like? People that understand? Friends/doctor/therapist?
For now my support group consists of my therapist grandparents ( tho tho they're old and can't grasp the idea of PTSD very well but they have been my only "safe space" for years and still are ) three friends, one of which also has PTSD so that's a real help with discussing this whole ordeal.
As for therapy ive been taking it more seriously these last two years.

So ye, I can only really talk about it with my therapist and that one friend who has it.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I had the same thoughts and feelings when I had my breakdown at age 52. I had buried my trauma and when it all came out, poof, I lost it. I worked hard with a trauma therapist to change how I thought of myself. You have probably had PTSD since your early childhood, so it's no wonder you were different! Poor soul. Keep working through therapy and you will find that there are small improvements that accumulate into big ones. We have your back here. Talk to us too.
 
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