Only attraced to people who are abusive?

[Anitza]

I grew up in a very verbal, physical, and emotional abusive household. I learned to associate pain with love from a very early age. So far I've fared the best out of my siblings. My sister passed away from a drug addiction and my brother is a career criminal. One of the biggest problems I'm facing right now is that I'm realizing I am the most sexually attracted to men who are manipulative, cold-hearted liars, and sometimes sweet, just like my mother. I'm not getting any younger here and I fear I'll never be able to be attracted to someone who isn't' a complete asshole. Does anyone have any advice on this? Been through tons of counseling ( it's why I'm semi-normal) Thanks.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you ignoring red flags or do you not see them at all?

 

[Anitza]

No, I see them clearly. It's just that I rarely ever find anyone physically attractive, I also was touched my a relative as child, which I think adds to this. I will stay alone for very long periods of time, so by the time I come across a guy I am attracted to, I need to have sex. It's as if I have a radar to select the guys with same reoccurring issues, and then I become attached to them even though I know they are not offering me anything fulfilling. It's like my pain/love sensor from childhood gets activated, and then I will stay attached to them for a long time. It's a really messed up cycle.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I too was very much like you. Abusive home as a child, equated love and sex basically as the same thing, because of me of my abusers(brother) used to tell me he loved me as he was abusing me. Sexually. I was only attracted to losers,

You can stop the cycle. First recognize, then stop!!!!! The minute you start with the same old behavior, tell yourself it's OLD behavior, and then stop the relationship. Don't go any further. The boring guys, to the ones your not attracted to, are the ones you SHOULD ave connecting too...

 

[EveHarrington]

So you should perhaps work on acting when you see the red flags? Write them down so you can see them staring you in the face. Let it sink in that these guys aren't good for you!

Perhaps separate sexual needs from relationship needs. Find a way to have sexual needs met without getting involved with POS guys.

 

[Anitza]

I too was very much like you. Abusive home as a child, equated love and sex basically as the same thing,...

perhaps but it's not that they're boring, it's like I have zero desire to be sexual with anyone other than the few people I fond myself attracted to. But hopefully someone nice who I am attracted to will come my way. I tend to not have sex just for the sake of it, I need to be more than just attracted to them, I need to like them, hence few partners, not attracted to many people. Thanks for all of the advice

 

[Justmehere]

It's probably part of a compulsion to rennact trauma - a subconscious drive to repeat the trauma of the past. Also called a repetion compulsion. It draws survivors back into relationships with new abusers. Why? No one knows for sure but the most common theory is that someone is trying to master or resolve the trauma of the past through the new relationship.

I used to be (occasionally still am) super duper attracted to people like my abusers. I intentionally date peoole I'm not super attracted to.... and I also am working on the underlying trauma. The type of person I'm attracted to is changing. I'm more attracted to the safe people, and more properly repulsed by the jerks. There was one guy that I totally fell head over heels for a year ago. I worked on the trauma caused by the person like him, my father. I also spend more time with safe guys. I came to like them a lot more. I can't really stand the previous guy that I thought I loved. Like at all.

 

[Anitza]

That's promising. Good for you that you are able to be attracted to better people. Looking back, I have no love for some of the toxic people I have dated in my past, but I continue to enter into new toxic relationships time and time again. It's nice to hear that who you are attracted to is changing. Life is crazy!