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Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

PTSDGuy

Not Active
It's been 50 years since the abuse first happened, so I guess it's time to finally deal with everything that happened to me as a kid... and how it's been affecting my whole life.

When I was 8, my father raped me over and over. I've always sort of known, but wasn't ready to admit it. I remember hating my father my whole life, but now it makes total sense. It's only recently that I remembered that he called me a fa*got while he did it. I could go into a lot more detail, but that's the basic story... along with using a belt and chains to beat me.

I went to therapy about 20 years ago, and my therapist decided we should try hypnosis. As soon as I was under, I was right back there with him raping me... I totally freaked out, and shut down... For 20 years...

I always remembered hiding to try to get away from him. In closets, under the stairs where we used to keep coats... I still remember the terror of trying to get away from him... I remember running with him and my brother chasing me up stairs, down stairs, all over the house screaming - thinking he would kill me eventually. It wasn't much of a contest - an 8 year old boy versus a 6 foot 3 cop... who had a gun hidden in the house.

I used to know I'd be dead by 30... I figured he'd kill me... that I was just a fa*got who "deserved" to get raped. It's only after a lot of therapy that I started to accept that he was a closet case who hated that he might be Gay, and saw it in me.

As a kid, I was the designated patient in the family - anything that went wrong was my fault. The whole family kept that up until my parents died...

My mother used to phone me every week to "talk".... Her idea of talking was to call me an idiot, and stupid... When I came out to her at about 16, her reaction was, "Couldn't you have been a drug addict?". Yep, to my mother, being Gay was lower than drug addicts. I told her there was no bargaining, she got Gay... From the day I told her, I was called names... for the next 15 years... until I told her if she couldn't respect me, then she shouldn't call back until she could. I never heard from her again.

I also wrote a letter to my father, telling him how horrible he made my childhood. I told him how a real father wouldn't have terrorized his son. I wasn't ready to admit anything else at the time. I never heard from him again either.

My brother, who originally told me he and his wife would support me when I came out, became born again Christians, and instead of supporting me, started giving me bibles and telling me I "could change".... and when my mother saw me throwing away the bibles had the nerve to tell me I "couldn't" throw out the bibles... The same woman who threw away copies of "Loving Someone Gay" that I gave her.

My sister-in-law joined in on the "fun" of going after me for everything.... So instead of three people attacking me, I had four. The strangest thing was that he asked me to be his best man when I was 18. When I look at the picture of all of us at the wedding, we look like we're at a funeral.

When my father died, I only found out from a cousin calling me. At the funeral, my mother had put an old picture of me on the casket and tried telling everyone that I "couldn't come" because I lived in California... She was big on putting on a good face... Except she didn't expect me to call the funeral home! I called, they gave her the phone and I told her what I thought of her and her husband, and what disgusting pigs they were to me. I found out later from cousins who were there that they could hear what I told her, and that she turned white, and then said loudly "thanks for calling" to try to convince everyone it was a "nice" phone call.

Flash forward a few years, and a cousin called me to tell me my mother had died. When I looked at the obituary my brother had put in the newspaper, he included his wife and himself, but only put my name, not my husband of 25 years... and that people should make donations to their born again church - which had nothing to do with her... So, I ended up putting a new obituary myself that included my husband, and decided to call my brother at the funeral and told him what disgusting pigs he and his wife were. When he started arguing back, I told him I didn't give a f*ck what he thought, and hung up.

I actually ended up really close to my cousins after my parents died. It was only then that I started to hear things about my father from them.... Like how they all thought he was a total creep who made them feel uneasy... I found out when we were visiting, and they would go to their rooms to change, he would suddenly open their bedroom doors to catch them naked... That was when I started to finally accept what happened.... and it all started coming back to me.

I've got an amazing therapist, and last week started EMDR with another therapist. It's been flashback after flashback for the last while but there's no way I'm giving up. I'm going to get my life back....
 
I'm so glad you've got support. So sorry you went through that. You're very strong.

It's only when I look back that I realize I'm much stronger than I thought I was... I whine at my therapist all the time that I "can't handle" my pretty much daily flashbacks, but in reality, if I couldn't deal with them, I wouldn't be having them daily....

Thanks for the nice comment. It means a lot to me...
 
I whine at my therapist all the time that I "can't handle" my pretty much daily flashbacks, but in reality, if I couldn't deal with them, I wouldn't be having them daily....
That sounds like me. Except I don't say it to my therapist, I say it in my head. 'This is too hard!' and 'I can't handle this!'
Your comment is a good reminder that I actually clearly can, because I have been, haha.

You're actually doing GREAT to be able to say that to your therapist.
To my therapist, I make jokes and deflect and change the subject 100 times. Sigh.
Someday, I, too, will be able to complain to my therapist!! I have a goal! LOL! :)
 
That sounds like me. Except I don't say it to my therapist, I say it in my head. 'This is too hard!' and 'I can't handle this!'
Your comment is a good reminder that I actually clearly can, because I have been, haha.

You're actually doing GREAT to be able to say that to your therapist.
To my therapist, I make jokes and deflect and change the subject 100 times. Sigh.
Someday, I, too, will be able to complain to my therapist!! I have a goal! LOL! :)

I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty good at saying what I think lately... a little too good, actually... But my therapist is amazing... I've actually told him if he just tried telling me what to do, instead of working with me, I'd probably tell him to "f*ck off" and walk out... It took me a LONG time to get to that point... and I think he thinks it's great...

I've spent my life being walked all over... doing what other people wanted, and then being upset about it... I figured I might as well cut out the middle-man and do what I want... So far it's been working out pretty well...

I've actually found that my flashbacks last basically an hour (every night, ughh...). Every time I have one, I think I can't handle it, but after an hour or so, I realize that it's now, and I'm actually OK...

@tryingtocope18, It sounds to me like you're handling things better than you give yourself credit for.
 
a little too good, actually
Oh, I don't know - it's so good to be able to express yourself. Some people (*cough me cough* THINK a ton of things but are afraid to really say anything. I had to write a letter to my first psychiatrist to ask for a different doctor because I heard her and an intern laughing at me because i was crying in session... And it was SO HARD to do that - because I am constantly just afraid.
I've spent my life being walked all over... doing what other people wanted, and then being upset about it...
You're making such huge progress to be able to see that, and to actually change your patterns! I struggle with this issue - and it is really really difficult for me.
I realize that it's now, and I'm actually OK...
I'm so glad for you that you can do this. You're a great supporter of yourself!!
:) And - thanks for the kind words. I go back and forth between 'I'm fine!' and 'I'm a mess!' with little grey area in between, haha.
 
This is a great start to your trauma diary :)

I’m sorry you’ve been through so much, but I’m glad you’re optimistic and healing.

A couple of comments:

I used to know I'd be dead by 30... I figured he'd kill me... that I was just a fa*got who "deserved" to get raped. It's only after a lot of therapy that I started to accept that he was a closet case who hated that he might be Gay, and saw it in me.
I completely understand. I assumed I wouldn’t be alive after age 18. But, you didn’t deserve what happened, and I’m glad “deserved” is in quotes for you.

It doesn’t matter if he was in the closet or not, though. My dad tried to pull this once. Said his name is Sasha now and he’s actually a woman. So his abuse towards children is more okay, according to him. In other words, your dad didn’t deserve a good son like you, and neither did your mom.

and that she turned white, and then said loudly "thanks for calling" to try to convince everyone it was a "nice" phone call.
What a horrible person. No care for you as a person at all.

And I know how you feel with a sibling suddenly going seriously religious. My twin brother converted to Christianity recently and he and his wife claim they’ll “help” me get “better.”

I have gotten them to be quiet by pointing out “gay people” (if you use modern words) in the Bible, and the fact that the Bible clearly states that gluttony is a far worse “sin” than being gay. It’s mentioned on nearly every page. If you live in the United States, it’s a funny one to talk about with people. Fancy food has not yet been attempted to be banned. :P If that helps you feel any better.

Anyway. Great start!!
 
I've finally learned that there are good therapists and HORRIBLE therapists out there... I got involved in a Men's Survivor's organization many years ago, and ended up on the Board with all kinds of bigwigs who had written books. I went to a few Board meetings.

They were having a conference in New York, and flew me out there... When I was booking a hotel room, I talked with a Board member/author about the fact I couldn't handle sharing a room with a stranger...

When I got there, the "esteemed" author and other Board members told me that I was just taking advantage of them, by booking a private room - and that they wouldn't pay for it. I felt totally attacked, and told them I quit.

I still remember falling to pieces and sitting outside sobbing for a couple of hours. and all these trained "experts" coming out and not one of them doing anything. They just left me there and went back in.

About a month ago, I sent an email to the "expert" in abuse and told him what they did to me was abusive. That I blamed him for telling me it was OK, and then betraying me.... and that his books should be called "I'm an abuser"... He wrote back and told me it was "sad" that I was upset for years... and that he disagreed with what I said.

I deleted his email. No point having a discussion with a person who is supposed to be an "expert" who would say that. But the whole experience opened my eyes - just because you write a book on abuse or call yourself a Trauma therapist doesn't mean you actually know how to deal with Survivors.
 
This is a great start to your trauma diary :)

I’m sorry you’ve been through so much, but I’m glad you’re optimistic and healing.

A couple of comments:


I completely understand. I assumed I wouldn’t be alive after age 18. But, you didn’t deserve what happened, and I’m glad “deserved” is in quotes for you.

It doesn’t matter if he was in the closet or not, though. My dad tried to pull this once. Said his name is Sasha now and he’s actually a woman. So his abuse towards children is more okay, according to him. In other words, your dad didn’t deserve a good son like you, and neither did your mom.


What a horrible person. No care for you as a person at all.

And I know how you feel with a sibling suddenly going seriously religious. My twin brother converted to Christianity recently and he and his wife claim they’ll “help” me get “better.”

I have gotten them to be quiet by pointing out “gay people” (if you use modern words) in the Bible, and the fact that the Bible clearly states that gluttony is a far worse “sin” than being gay. It’s mentioned on nearly every page. If you live in the United States, it’s a funny one to talk about with people. Fancy food has not yet been attempted to be banned. :p If that helps you feel any better.

Anyway. Great start!!

Gotta go to therapy in a few (thank God!).... But yep, think you definitely get it... Sorry about your brother...

When I was about 21 I fell head over heels in love with a guy who got sick with AIDS... When I told my mother, her only comment was "So what, people die every day, big deal"... She protected my father her whole life. When I came out to her, her only comment was "Don't tell your father, it will kill him"... When I told him, his only comment was "do you have to tell people?"...

I deserved way better than the fools who raised me.
 
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