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Open up to my therapist about CSA and emotional abuse

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GalwayGirl

Hi everyone,

English is not my first language so I apologize for the grammar mistakes.
I started therapy in January, I've been to 6 sessions. I like my therapist he does not make me feel uncomfortable, but since is my first time going to therapy I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I have problem trusting people in general. My idea to start therapy was to learn how to deal with the things that are affecting me currently and maybe be able to apply what I would learn to deal with my past problems without having to talk about them. Since I'm having a lot of panic attacks remembering sexual abuse I endured as a child and teenager, my therapist asked what was on my mind when this panic attacks happened, I told him I knew I needed to talk about this but I just can't do it. He asked me if emailing this would be easier and I said maybe and then he said that we wouldn't have our next session until I sent him this information, although he said he did not want to pressure me I do feel pressure to do this, it's just so difficult for me I'm paranoid I feel like he would think I'm disgusting and maybe I'm overreacting of what happened to me when I was a child, but I feel like if I don't talk about this I'm going to lose my mind, I'm so tired.

What should I do, how can I trust my therapist and what could I say to him if I just cant send this email?

I need help
 
if he does not know about the history of sexual abuse start there, even if you copy what you said to us. It’s a start. I’m not familiar with why a therapist would delay the session until this email. That part doesn’t make sense. Also if it were me I would say it is difficult for me to say what happened between my , then name them ie brother , father friend whomever because i feel you would be disgusted. Even that bit is a starting place.
 
He absolutely won't think you are disgusting. Why would he? That in itself is something worth exploring with him, as that is perhaps you projecting onto him?


But also, trauma therapy needs to go slowly so if talking/emailing about this now is not right for you: say.

Sometimes talking about the feelings around it (the disgust, the shame, the fear etc) works better.

My T says she doesn't need to know the detail to be able to work with it. However, at times I have felt the need to say the detail because I have never said it before and it felt important to finally talk.

It's really important you have trust. Build that scaffolding around you , as digging up this stuff is hugely painful.

Do you feel you can tell your T, in email or words, that this has felt pressure for you? There isn't a rule that you have to email the detail before the next session. You can email to say this is too much , you're feeling pressure and can you talk about that first.
 
then he said that we wouldn't have our next session until I sent him this information, although he said he did not want to pressure me
Agree with the others that it’s odd he would say that therapy won’t continue until you send him the email. Maybe he meant it like, “Take as much time as you need.” If he said that he did not want to pressure you then you can tell him that the email is too big if a task for you right now and you will think about it and try to send him a bit when you can.

There’s a term called “titration”. I wonder if you can ask him about that. It means that the trauma therapy comes in tiny amounts, which is the most stable way for the mind and ego to manage it. My T would say “it bubbles up.” The more you trust him, that stuff will bubble up when you are ready.

Sometimes in session we wouldn’t talk about abuse at all and that felt like I was wasting my time but I wasn’t because I was building trust and getting ready for the next time trauma would surface.
 
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I have problem trusting people in general. My idea to start therapy was to learn how to deal with the things that are affecting me currently and maybe be able to apply what I would learn to deal with my past problems without having to talk about them. Since I'm having a lot of panic attacks remembering sexual abuse I endured as a child and teenager, my therapist asked what was on my mind when this panic attacks happened, I told him I knew I needed to talk about this but I just can't do it
At first? You probably feel a little numb.

Reality is - you don't have to go into detail telling him everything. You can make a bit of a code with your T so you don't have to go into grisly detail. I have been doing therapy for three years and I still react badly to going into detail. Started with a new T last session and it took days to get over giving new T the overview and story so far - without details.

The assignment was likely meant for you to at least give him the broad strokes story. What who when not the entire story in detail - just what happened like "I was assaulted by X, it repeated or didn't, it continued or happened once or whatever. So an Overview not a detailed recounting.

I feel like he would think I'm disgusting and maybe I'm overreacting of what happened to me when I was a child, but I feel like if I don't talk about this I'm going to lose my mind

I will guarantee he will be more disgusted with the person that did whatever to you than they ever would with with you........plus this is a trained professional. They learn to deal with this stuff. They train to deal with this stuff. Childhood trauma can involve all kinds of messy stuff whether or not it was part of your trauma so its very much something your T is trained to deal with.
 
Agree with the others that it’s odd he would say that therapy won’t continue until you send him the email. Maybe he meant it like, “Take as much time as you need.” If he said that he did not want to pressure you then you can tell him that the email is too big if a task for you right now and you will think about it and try to send him a bit when you can.

There’s a term called “titration”. I wonder if you can ask him about that. It means that the trauma therapy comes in tiny amounts, which is the most stable way for the mind and ego to manage it. My T would say “it bubbles up.” The more you trust him, that stuff will bubble up when you are ready.

Sometimes in session we wouldn’t talk about abuse at all and that felt like I was wasting my time but I wasn’t because I was building trust and getting ready for the next time trauma would surface.
👆👆

For me....In hindsight - going 2 years back - my T knew fairly early on that something had happened in my childhood but I think realized quickly that not only would I not openly discuss it, I had clamped it down , blocked it out and built a VERY solid wall around it for decades. Grateful that he took the route you describe above. I didn't realize what he was doing at the time.....He'd say small little tidbits of things here and there during session and then gauge my response/reaction/body language. We'd spend many sessions talking about random things and now looking back I see him inserting statements or questions here and there to quietly see if it went anywhere. But he never ever pushed. But what he did was getting the result i think he was hoping for......my trauma was slowly working its way up and out from behind the wall I'd built 40 years ago. And again, in hindsight now I can say that he spent an extraordinary amount of time building a safe space for me. And it worked. Just like your T said, it started bubbling up and the more I trusted him, the more it started bubbling up. Slowly I got to a point where I apparently for the first time in my life felt safe enough for it to come to surface. I know this sounds odd.......but for weeks I literally had no idea what exactly was bubbling up inside of me but I could most definitely feel the "ickiness" of it. I'm grateful he never pushed it.....he just waited. And even though he knows what happened, I still have a lot of blanks in my memory and constantly fight him on going "there" again to do the healing he says I need. So I think he still uses tidbit statements here and there to see if it will help open a window or door that I've nailed shut from that time.

GalawayGirl ......Maybe you could just give your T a tidbit. A few words of feeling about what happened to you.....and he can work slowly from that one small small spot....giving you more time to trust him with another tidbit....and then another.....as you feel ready. Sending peaceful vibes to you.
 
it was very similar for me with the vague discomfort, grossness, emerging from deep.
Exactly. T would ask me what it was that I was feeling and I'd tell him I didn't know what it was. I didn't know how to explain the feeling that had started bothering new little by little but that it was "icky" and I didn't like it one bit. And your words are dead on accurate for me.... Emerging from deep. I would have never thought to put those words to it but that's definitely a perfect description
 
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I was able to send my therapist the email today I hope soon I can recover from this
Awesome for you. Have you read the PTSD Cup article on the site? Absolutely the biggest help I got when I first started here was that. Learning to manage that has made a lot of bad days better.....

 
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