I dont have any close friends but recently started spending time with a neighbor. I don't drink alcohol because i have enough guilt and shame from the past, but did have a couple of drinks out at the beach because she did and because i do not get out much and didn't want to be so on that i couldn't relax a little. That was okay but last weekend i had to attend an acquaintances memorial celebration at a local place by myself and had planned to have 1 beer and leave. Didn't happen and i became ridiculous, nothing like myself and did things i never would do sober. I am not going so this is more than embarrassing, it's humiliating. Normally have anxiety daily with stomach issues and major avoidance but i feel like i can never enter this establishment again which would be okay but my daughter works there and it's located in my small gated community. I didn't even feel like myself and couldn't string a sentence together and someone there had a hand in making this happen but i blame only myself. Of course i am back to my usual sober living but am living in a worse hell than before. I don't know how to forgive myself. I am terrified to see my T this week as i feel telling him anything about this will change the trust we have established. I dream of one of my ep s who is fine with what Hallsville and that i tried to tell her off and get her to leave but she enjoyed my pain. I'm not sure if that's just my conscience. It's been several days and i just had to write something out here because i can't eat, or sleep unless i take full dose of meds at night and distract with tv, but the nightmares, which i get anyway are much worse but nothing compared to the day time self disgust. Any suggestions?