Osdd front changes with alcohol?

Toren

Learning
I dont have any close friends but recently started spending time with a neighbor. I don't drink alcohol because i have enough guilt and shame from the past, but did have a couple of drinks out at the beach because she did and because i do not get out much and didn't want to be so on that i couldn't relax a little. That was okay but last weekend i had to attend an acquaintances memorial celebration at a local place by myself and had planned to have 1 beer and leave. Didn't happen and i became ridiculous, nothing like myself and did things i never would do sober. I am not going so this is more than embarrassing, it's humiliating. Normally have anxiety daily with stomach issues and major avoidance but i feel like i can never enter this establishment again which would be okay but my daughter works there and it's located in my small gated community. I didn't even feel like myself and couldn't string a sentence together and someone there had a hand in making this happen but i blame only myself. Of course i am back to my usual sober living but am living in a worse hell than before. I don't know how to forgive myself. I am terrified to see my T this week as i feel telling him anything about this will change the trust we have established. I dream of one of my ep s who is fine with what Hallsville and that i tried to tell her off and get her to leave but she enjoyed my pain. I'm not sure if that's just my conscience. It's been several days and i just had to write something out here because i can't eat, or sleep unless i take full dose of meds at night and distract with tv, but the nightmares, which i get anyway are much worse but nothing compared to the day time self disgust. Any suggestions?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds like this was a one off and people know you, so know this isn't how you usually behave?
What's making you feel so ashamed about it?
None of us are perfect and we all will behave in ways we wish we didn't, for a variety of reasons.

If behaving in ways under the influence was a regular thing, then you might need support with managing your alochol intake. But it doesn't sound like that is the case for you.

Do you often berate yourself after you have been somewhere social?
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
What does OSDD front mean?

Welcome to you.
OSDD (Other Specified Dissociative Dissorder) is the DSM-V term for DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified).

I guess as you’re speaking about fronting you might be referring to OSDD-1a or 1b. OSDD-1a is "like DID but alters/parts aren’t sufficiently differentiated, still gets amnesic walls" and 1b is "like DID but no or much less amnesic walls between differentiated alters". There is a bit of a grey area to distinguish.

(OSDD-2 is identity disturbance after brainwashing or ideological imprisonment, to be short, OSDD-3 is a sort of acute dissociative crisis after a stressful event, OSDD-4 is a dissociative trance that cannot be better explained by religious/traditional practice or beliefs). All are super co-morbid with CPTSD.

Drugs can impact the way you behave and emotional parts, and some states I find to favour certain parts to arise rather than others. Especially parts that have been repressed, you drop your guard and it was waiting to be there. That said, stuff alike can happen without complex dissociative disorders.

Is part of your distress due to the fact you don’t remember what you did or not well? I think the best would be to address it with your T and see what you can do if there is a part of you that is wanting to make its way to the front that much. Or that is triggered by drinking.

Or do you have a hard time telling your T about parts? How is their attitude towards it?
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
@ruborcoraxxx , oh, I understand, thank you.

I thought it just sounds like got drunk, maybe blacked out. Could also be med interaction. Feel shame, knows (or thinks) can reflect on self and daughter. Happens, to many. Not worth harming yourself, and apology and time to digest it might follow, +/ or steps to address the alcohol use, likelihood of being unable to moderate (is it a 1-off, or happened before/ used for coping?, etc). But I understand. (I do not understand parts, however, Thanks for the explanation).
 

Toren

Learning
Sounds like this was a one off and people know you, so know this isn't how you usually behave?
What's making you feel so ashamed about it?
None of us are perfect and we all will behave in ways we wish we didn't, for a variety of reasons.

If behaving in ways under the influence was a regular thing, then you might need support with managing your alochol intake. But it doesn't sound like that is the case for you.

Do you often berate yourself after you have been somewhere social?
That's a big yes.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
That's a big yes.
A big yes to berating yourself after being in social situations?

I can get in that mindframe too. It just eats away. And makes me feel so small and pathetic and worried. But.....maybe saying some things to try and challenge that internal berating.
Like: people still invite me out. Or: people did actually enjoy my company. Or: I didn't upset anyone, I just think I did. Or: it's ok.

Sometimes I mull over what I said and think I wasn't kind enough and blah blah blah. Trying to let that go is really tough.

I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself. As it sounds to me the only person who might be judging your behaviour that night, is yourself?.
 

Toren

Learning
OSDD (Other Specified Dissociative Dissorder) is the DSM-V term for DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified).

I guess as you’re speaking about fronting you might be referring to OSDD-1a or 1b. OSDD-1a is "like DID but alters/parts aren’t sufficiently differentiated, still gets amnesic walls" and 1b is "like DID but no or much less amnesic walls between differentiated alters". There is a bit of a grey area to distinguish.

(OSDD-2 is identity disturbance after brainwashing or ideological imprisonment, to be short, OSDD-3 is a sort of acute dissociative crisis after a stressful event, OSDD-4 is a dissociative trance that cannot be better explained by religious/traditional practice or beliefs). All are super co-morbid with CPTSD.

Drugs can impact the way you behave and emotional parts, and some states I find to favour certain parts to arise rather than others. Especially parts that have been repressed, you drop your guard and it was waiting to be there. That said, stuff alike can happen without complex dissociative disorders.

Is part of your distress due to the fact you don’t remember what you did or not well? I think the best would be to address it with your T and see what you can do if there is a part of you that is wanting to make its way to the front that much. Or that is triggered by drinking.

Or do you have a hard time telling your T about parts? How is their attitude towards it?
Thank you for your thoughts, it is helpful as I am learning to navigate through this EP stuff. My current therapist is great and I am learning to trust but no I couldn't even post here all that happened, I would feel i would be seen in such a different light. I have never been impulsive really and am trying to figure out the part i played in this. It felt like i was me but also not me but i also can't shift blame from myself. I remember what happened for the most part and it involved asking people back to my house. My sanctuary safe place that is off limits and i avoid any kind of s intimacy as a rule. I couldn't string a sentence together and a female was on me. I saw T this morning and told him. He said he didn't judge me and tried to normalize it a bit. I told partly because i so need some form of absolution (selfish), and because i know if i lie to him I'm hurting any chance i have at being well. Feeling quite sick and disgusted. Just needed to get it out. Thanks
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I understand it. The quality of "not me" is super off putting and the sense of losing control. Figuring which part does what is also bizarre when it's stuff we don't like, like they feel they shouldn't share or someone.

However when you say stuff like being alone is the only way to be safe, it's not that surprising that a part just completely disagrees with that and blasts the whole thing.

There are events I still didn't figure how come and why exactly and I'm not so sure I really want to know. But I feel I will even if I don't want to.

I'm so sorry this is hard for you for now and hope your therapist can help you out with this. Do you have some part communication or is that on work?
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
Thank you for your thoughts, it is helpful as I am learning to navigate through this EP stuff. My current therapist is great and I am learning to trust but no I couldn't even post here all that happened, I would feel i would be seen in such a different light. I have never been impulsive really and am trying to figure out the part i played in this. It felt like i was me but also not me but i also can't shift blame from myself. I remember what happened for the most part and it involved asking people back to my house. My sanctuary safe place that is off limits and i avoid any kind of s intimacy as a rule. I couldn't string a sentence together and a female was on me. I saw T this morning and told him. He said he didn't judge me and tried to normalize it a bit. I told partly because i so need some form of absolution (selfish), and because i know if i lie to him I'm hurting any chance i have at being well. Feeling quite sick and disgusted. Just needed to get it out. Thanks
I just want to commend you for being honest with your therapist, even with things that feel hard. That is not easy.

I have felt shame from things parts did, that I did not feel I could fully control. It's so hard. You have my sympathy. I know that things can shift for us just based on a feeling, a brief trigger, who is around us, so I imagine for some it can change from substances also.

I hope you can find a feeling of compassion. You are doing the best you can, even when it doesn't look like it.
 

Toren

Learning
I just want to commend you for being honest with your therapist, even with things that feel hard. That is not easy.

I have felt shame from things parts did, that I did not feel I could fully control. It's so hard. You have my sympathy. I know that things can shift for us just based on a feeling, a brief trigger, who is around us, so I imagine for some it can change from substances also.

I hope you can find a feeling of compassion. You are doing the best you can, even when it doesn't look like

Reading your words help me to have compassion for myself, thank you. The nausea gnawing in my gut is a reminder but i am working on it.

I understand it. The quality of "not me" is super off putting and the sense of losing control. Figuring which part does what is also bizarre when it's stuff we don't like, like they feel they shouldn't share or someone.

However when you say stuff like being alone is the only way to be safe, it's not that surprising that a part just completely disagrees with that and blasts the whole thing.

There are events I still didn't figure how come and why exactly and I'm not so sure I really want to know. But I feel I will even if I don't want to.

I'm so sorry this is hard for you for now and hope your therapist can help you out with this. Do you have some part communication or is that on work?
Icommunication is mostly somatic. I hear on and off but in the last year or so i can't make it out. I worked with a t for awhile that helped with that. Propranolol helped then but i completely shelved the work as in, didn't recall it, until a couple of months ago.
 

BruisedinRI

New Here
I dont have any close friends but recently started spending time with a neighbor. I don't drink alcohol because i have enough guilt and shame from the past, but did have a couple of drinks out at the beach because she did and because i do not get out much and didn't want to be so on that i couldn't relax a little. That was okay but last weekend i had to attend an acquaintances memorial celebration at a local place by myself and had planned to have 1 beer and leave. Didn't happen and i became ridiculous, nothing like myself and did things i never would do sober. I am not going so this is more than embarrassing, it's humiliating. Normally have anxiety daily with stomach issues and major avoidance but i feel like i can never enter this establishment again which would be okay but my daughter works there and it's located in my small gated community. I didn't even feel like myself and couldn't string a sentence together and someone there had a hand in making this happen but i blame only myself. Of course i am back to my usual sober living but am living in a worse hell than before. I don't know how to forgive myself. I am terrified to see my T this week as i feel telling him anything about this will change the trust we have established. I dream of one of my ep s who is fine with what Hallsville and that i tried to tell her off and get her to leave but she enjoyed my pain. I'm not sure if that's just my conscience. It's been several days and i just had to write something out here because i can't eat, or sleep unless i take full dose of meds at night and distract with tv, but the nightmares, which i get anyway are much worse but nothing compared to the day time self disgust. Any suggestions?
I was diagnosed with PTSD in the 90s successful therapy and they reasonable happy existence until my primary abuser died. I was never a drinker I started drinking just like you innocently enough and oh my God exactly the same ridiculous ridiculous Behavior I don't even recognize myself. I've looked up research studies and there's an endorphin flood an actual physiological situation that will drive you just self-medicate. I experienced a few pretty bad episodes before learn the physiological stuff that happens with alcohol and cptsd six major brain chemicals that are closely related to being addicted or picking up for the first time or relapsing also heavily related to your neurobiology Mental Health. alcohol it's dangerous I recently had a PTSD blackout anybody know what the heck happened to me I don't remember sending text I understand drunk blackouts but this was after waking up from a nightmare having a few drinks and then waking up with the police at my door I need some personal Insight from people who suffer like I do
 
Top