Sufferer Overcoming Lifetime Trauma: Seeking Support and Connection

[flappergirl35]

Hello,
I'd like to introduce myself. I'm so happy to have found this site. I'm a 54 year old woman who has suffered with PTSD most of my life. I was abused in every way you can think of by my mother and extended family ever since I can remember. The worst was one night where I violently SA'd by a family member at the age of 9. Multiple times during the course of one night. My mother blamed me and attempted to drown me twice.

My family is mostly gone now. I was misdiagnosed with several mental illnesses but most of what I've dealt with over my lifetime are direct results of my trauma. I was put on heavy psychiatric medication for 25 years and was basically a zombie living on disability.
I met my husband and at first I thought everything was going to be great. We dated for several years before moving in together as I was always afraid to get too close to anyone. It was a mistake, because after we said our vows he became an alcoholic and an emotional abuser. I thought he was different but my instincts were wrong. He was just as bad as the others.

I attempted to unalive myself close to the end of our marriage and ended up in the ICU on life support for several days. I woke up and I still wish I never had.

I currently have my own house but due to financial issues and me not being able to work full-time, I'm close to not having it anymore. The stress has caused me to not be able to work as many hours as I need and even though I still get some money from disability, I haven't had enough to cover all the bills and feed myself.

Recently my rapist came back and started harassing me via text message. He got my number and was sending me incredibly creepy text messages on a daily basis trying to get my address. It set me into a tail spin of fear. I thought he was going to find me, poison my dog, kill me and burn my house down if he ever knew where I lived. I'm terrified of him. I've blocked him but I was even too terrified to do that, since it wouldn't have been too hard for him to find out where I actually lived, and I thought if I remained neutral with him and didn't give him any information on where I lived, he would leave me alone. I was terrified that if I blocked him he'd get angry enough to find me on his own.

My ex also followed me to where I moved and bought a house just a couple of kilometers away from me. Luckily I rarely see him but it makes me uncomfortable because even though I'm very isolated, I feel like his presence so close to me makes me worried about starting a new life.
I'm so afraid of anyone getting close to me for friendship. I'm very reclusive and just can't seem to feel comfortable just hanging around with nice people for fear of them hating me for something or hurting me. I've been taken off of all the heavy antipsychotic medication (I was misdiagnosed) and now I only take an antidepressant and Buspar for my PTSD, chronic depression, and Generalized Anxiety. I want to make my life better but I feel so alone and while I do have a therapist, I don't enjoy my life at all and nothing I do feels really enriching. Loneliness is crushing me. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time and I just can't keep everything up anymore.

 

[Riley Jones]

I want to extend a warm welcome to you and express my gratitude for finding your way to our community here at myptsd.com. It takes immense strength to reach out and seek support, and I commend you for taking this important step.

I'm truly sorry to hear about the unimaginable trauma you have endured throughout your life. The abuse you experienced at the hands of your mother and extended family, as well as the horrific incident with your family member at the age of 9, are incredibly distressing and have no doubt left deep scars. It's heart-wrenching to hear about the blame and mistreatment you endured. Please know that you are not alone, and there are people here who understand and empathize with your pain.

It's unfortunate that you were misdiagnosed with several mental illnesses, further complicating your journey toward healing. However, it's encouraging to hear that you have been able to reduce your medication and currently take an antidepressant and Buspar for your PTSD, chronic depression, and Generalized Anxiety. Just remember that everyone's path to recovery is unique, and it may take some time to find what works best for you.

Feeling isolated and lonely in the midst of your struggles is something many here can relate to. The burden of trauma can make it incredibly difficult to trust and connect with others, fearing further harm or rejection. However, I want to assure you that our community strives to provide a safe and supportive space where you can find understanding and connection. It's essential to surround yourself with individuals who can empathize with your experiences and offer nonjudgmental support.

In addition to engaging with the members here, I would strongly encourage you to continue working with your therapist. Professional guidance can be vital, particularly in helping you navigate the complex emotions and challenges that arise from trauma. Your therapist can also assist you in developing coping strategies and exploring ways to overcome your fear of starting a new life.

To further support your healing journey, myptsd.com offers various forums dedicated to different aspects of PTSD and CPTSD. You may find comfort in the Survivor's Café, where members share their personal stories and experiences, or in specialized forums such as Relationships and PTSD, Financial Hardship, and Loneliness & Isolation. Each forum is designated for specific topics, fostering a sense of community and providing a space where you can connect with others who have faced similar challenges.

Please remember, you are not alone in this. Our community is here to support you through the ups and downs of your healing journey. Together, we can find strength, understanding, and hope.

With warmest regards,
Riley Jones

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. Hopefully this place helps with the loneliness a bit, and helps with your recovery:)

 

[flappergirl35]

Thank you so much! I've had such a tough time making new friends because I'm so afraid of getting close to people. I'm truly happy to have found an online community of people who have been through similar experiences and understand the pain of what it's like to deal with lifelong trauma. I also want to help support other people so that they know they aren't alone.
My life's been in turmoil but I'm hoping to make some healthy decisions that could result in me having some much deserved peace. That includes another move across the country which both terrifies me and excites me. I haven't fully made up my mind yet but the idea of having a brand, new start is kind of tantalizing. Decision making is not my strong suit but I'm hoping to get enough courage to do it.

 

[Aprilshowers]

What a sad story! Please reach out here. People here have suffered all kinds of trauma, heartbreak, loss, loneliness, and more. There are people here who understand your pain, your fears, and your journey.

 

[flappergirl35]

Thank you. It's so awkward for me to meet new friends in real life because my past makes it so hard to connect to people in the present. I rarely trust anyone and it can take me years to feel safe around people I meet.

 

[Freddyt]

Welcome @flappergirl35 !!! Best thing I found when I started here was this:

The ptsd cup explanation

Nearly a decade ago (2006) I wrote The PTSD Cup Explanation, a simple view of how PTSD causes symptoms in day-to-day life. This article is an update to that original piece. Regardless of the type of trauma endured, the PTSD Cup does not change, deviate or apply differently to your circumstance...

www.myptsd.com

 

[flappergirl35]

Thank you for sharing this. I've been under a lot of financial stress lately and I've been so worried about my temperament lately because I was very short with people at work. Normally I have no problems working with people but it's been next to impossible lately. It's gotten so bad that I have not bid on any shifts lately because I'm worried about it. This explains so much. I always strive to be a kind and thoughtful person but my cup is definitely overflowing with bad stress so it's harder for me to regulate my emotions.
I just want to add that I know that cutting back on my shifts isn't great for my financial situation, but I'm worried about popping off and getting fired so I've decided to take a little time away until I feel a little better.

 

[Freddyt]

I always strive to be a kind and thoughtful person but my cup is definitely overflowing with bad stress

Between getting the fact all stress is stress and working on rumination you can cut out a lot of stress....

 

[treewater]

Same and still looking.