Sufferer Overwhelmed by symptoms

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SweetCherry

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I didn't think I'd come to a site like this. I'm at a loss. For years now since starting a new, healthy relationship, I find myself lost and confused most of the time. I only realised my abuse when I'd gotten away from it. Without details, I was sexually abused, and I am now coming to terms with my memory, reliving physical abuse.

As I said my relationship now is healthy. I have the most supportive partner and love him so much.

Months into our relationship I became very depressed. I began lying and hiding, my work started to suffer as I became suicidal. I was lost and still am. Life seems to go on but just because time moves forward, doesn't mean I feel I am.

I was diagnosed with PSTD, Anxiety and depression. I refused to take medication for a while, but gave in, wanting something to 'fix' me. I began taking medications, tried around 5 different ones but nothing seems to stop it.

I suffer from flashback, the feeling of hands on my body. Uncontrollable fear, where the world scares me, even my partner now who is the sweetest human being will be terrifying to me.

I have undergone CBT therapy which (to me) was a joke. It felt as though they mocked me, telling me solutions I already knew from a quick look up online.

I tried to get free one to one counselling, however the waiting list is still years away, so I tried to pay myself, but I couldn't afford it long term.

I have days off work, maybe 4 each month which effects my work so much as I am legally required to be there. It upset a lot of people as they don't understand. I began having panic attacks at work, uncontrollably crying, shaking, disassociating my surroundings.

I've come to this forum because I'm desperate. Lately I've noticed my flashbacks have change from not just sexual abuse, but physical too, I believe not I'd shut it off, hidden it within my memory, just like when I thought sexual abuse was fine and normal. My partner now showed me kindness, and love and I couldn't understand it. It makes me feel stupid and weird, like a monster that can't control themselves.

Each year that passes, I feel I am breaking down more and more, slowly piece by piece, it eats away at me.

Sexual abuse I deal with, and now I'm accepting that physical abuse was a part of it too.

It makes me feel worthless, disgusting.

My panic attack the other day happened when me and my partner had a disagreement. I'd eaten lunch and yet I'd told him I hadn't. He found the evidence in the bin and was upset I'd lied. I panicked. I couldn't control myself, shaking, crying, my mind just didn't know what to do. I was scared, angry at myself, disappointed. I wanted to harm myself but instead broke anything cheap and easy to break. I tore up a top I never wore instead. He sat me down and discussed it with me, asking what was going through my mind in the moment. I told him, "I'm scared...I'm scared of myself...I'm scared of you." And yet I know there was no reason to be scared of him.

He promised he'd never lay a hand on me, and he hasn't for the 3 years we've been together and yet that fear was so fresh. I felt hands again, hands touching me, hurting me, I could practically see it in the air and yet it wasn't a hallucination, it was me reexperiencing it. When we went to bed that night, he cuddled me, cradled me almost, telling me he loved me, and I just didn't understand. It was like I wanted him to scream, I wanted him to hit me because I knew I'd done wrong. I'd lied and yet it was something so small.

Recently I've lost a lot of weight. I was overweight one year ago and yet PTSD has affected me for 3 years now. I was 11st, now 7.10st.

I'm now writing this and feel sick to my stomach. I've been off for 3 days now in a row, telling my work I have 'sickness' yet with the amount of time I have off, I feel it falls on deaf ears anyway.

I want help, I want it to stop and let me enjoy my life. I feel I've suffered for so long trying to get the help I need and I'm so exhausted.

I feel sometimes I just want to talk about it, yet at the same time I can't find the words to say it, or my lips won't move.
 
Welcome to the site! It’s a special place that I’ve been a part of for over 10 years. It’s safe and has good rules that are enforced.

I’m so sorry that you have the need for such a place as this but happy you have found this resource!

Blessings of hope and peace being sent your way!💙
AKJ
 
Welcome @SweetCherry

Found more help here than anywhere else for day to day life with PTSD. Learning to live with the day to day symptoms and gain a little control has been so helpful.

Plust there is a wonderful supportive community here when you just need to let out your frustration some days.......
 
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