My dad has cancer, I’m 37 living with my parents suffering from severe anxiety. I hate my job, I am a goddamn criminal, and I am going back to court. I’m trying to focus on life and I can’t. I can’t effing focus? I am so full of anxiety about court. And everyone ignores me and how I feel. I can’t take it. My actions??? It was all thrown in my face. Everything I ever did and now my reality is just blown! I was taken advantage of and no one can help build me up. I literal lost my damn mind. I took so much shit from everyone and I can’t handle it anymore. Please, just make it go away. Make it go away. It shouldn’t be this bad trying to get ahead in life. I can’t handle it. My life is falling apart. Someone please help me! Therapy isn’t helping, everyone has a different opinion. I will never get married, have friends, or be an adult because I can’t move on. And going back to court scares the living hell out of me.
Then how does that happen? No one seems to be telling me how that can happen? I have so much stress in my life right now that it is awful. None of the same opportunities are present for me. I was in such a good path and my life is about to come crashing down. I can’t take the anxiety anymore. I have at least 3 more months of it. It’s awful. Inhale trauma. Getting it from my ex, my family, the rest of the world. It just doesn’t stop. My ex set me up and my world just keeps crashing down and down and down and down. I can’t do this anymore. It’s awful. The anxiety is awful, yet if I ignore it, it won’t go away. But if I make a move, it all goes down the drain. It’s like I’m stuck.One of the quirky things about trauma?
The “time machine” aspect.
In virtually no other area of life does ANYONE think their life ever could be “the same”. There’s an acceptance that growing up and living life is a linear process. You’re not going to be the same as you were before going to school, getting a job, falling in love, getting married, having kids, after your parents die, etc.
Yet, with trauma? People seem to almost universally come to the opinion that they can go back in time, and be the person they used to be, if... something.
It makes sense.
Flashbacks are literally re-living moments in time. Not remembering them. Being triggered is reacting/responding to something in the present AS IF it’s something in the past. A lot of things seem to have been frozen in time, as if we’re existing, simultaneously, both in the past and in the present.
For most people with PTSD? Time stopped being linear, a long time ago.
So it makes sense that it FEELS RIGHT that I could be the person I used to be. But emotions? Don’t logic so hot. Even if I’m experiencing time in a non-linear fashion, it doesn’t follow that I can actually travel through time, and just erase 5-10-15-25-50 years. No one can. Even wanting to? From personal experience/observation seems to be as much a symptom as anything else. (Lots of people want to go back in time and change decisions, or save someone they love, but if you run across someone who wants to go back in time to BE the person they used to? $1 will get you $500 that person has a trauma history!)
Linear-Time people seem to innately understand that if they want to change who their are, and how they live their lives? That happens now & in the future. The become who they want to be in the future, by working on who they want to be, now.
People with PTSD? Tend to think the only way to do that, is in their past. Be now, who they used to be.
Like I said, quirky, right?
You CAN become who you want to be. But not by being who you used to be.
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