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Policy Enforcement
Hello friends. I hit a brick wall at 100 miles an hour yesterday with this poxy illness. I woke from a nightmare at 3 am yesterday morning and just couldn't get back to sleep. So I'm afraid to say I picked up the booze again. I was sat at my kitchen table drinking a beer at 8 am then I was pissed out of my box by half 5 in the afternoon. I got my to a AA meeting and fessed up to my fellow alkies and it was a women's group so no blokes there and everyone was so nice to me it was unbelievable. I went in there thinking they would hate me and judge me and reject me. But instead those ladies completely embraced and accepted me and bigged me up for being honest. They even gave me a 24 hour chip for being brave enough to go back even though I was bloody hammered. And they even asked me to lead us all in the Serenity prayer at the end of the meeting. I was blown away by those ladies' kindness and yes even love.

You see I've never done that before. When I have been overwhelmed and assailed by the fear all I ever used to do was run away when really I should be facing it head on. All I ever used to do was if I couldn't run away physically or geographically was run away into the booze. Admittedly I did do that again yesterday but the difference this time was I didn't hide away and lie about it like I always used to before so that makes a good change that instead I managed to get out of my hiding place and I went to that meeting and I was honest.

I felt so much better for doing that and making that change. That's real progress for me. And it paid off exponentially. I saw a friend at that meeting that I hadn't seen in months and when last I saw her we didn't part on the best of terms. I still didn't manage to get her phone number but I can get it from a mutual friend also in the programme. Otherwise I will see her at next week's meeting for sure. At least I got a chance to say sorry to her for my previous bad behaviour towards her God bless her. Again there was no judgment from her for me being wasted. It's all good.

I have worked out what set all this off. I didn't used to have much awareness before and I was unable to see the link between my thoughts and memories, my emotions and the resulting coping and defence mechanisms. I've been doing too much lately, going to too many support groups and meetings. On the one hand it was really helping me but on the other l was pushing myself too hard and too fast. The problem is that I don't always respect my own limitations. I think I can do more than what I'm actually capable of. I need to remember I have a broken stress response. There's been too much going on lately, too many stressors and triggers.

All this with my noncey ex and family has quite frankly done my f*cking nut in friends. And just because I've realised the truth I've been really struggling to come to terms with it. It's painful terrifying shameful evil stuff and it's a very heavy load for one person to carry on their own. It doesn't help that I'm without a key worker at Spectrum (the local drug and alcohol clinic I attend) right now. They offered me a new male key worker day before yesterday but I just can't work with a man because I don't bloody trust them. Which is unsurprising given what men have done to abuse me my whole life. Why Spectrum overlooked this fact God only knows.

I feel very let down by them and that's an all too familiar emotion for me as it seems to me that I've been let down my whole life. If ever there was a time I needed support it's right now. But yet again I've been left hanging and I'm pissed off about it. I refuse to see that creepy bully of a shrink there because I think he would do me more harm than good in all honesty. I may consider seeing the female clinical psychologist though.

I need 'something' and that's better than nothing which is how it currently stands. I should take whatever is on offer really at least the help I feel comfortable in accepting really. But before I can be seen my new key worker will have to complete a mental health assessment of me. And how can that happen if I haven't got one at the moment? You see I'm a bit stuck really because I can't afford private therapy being on sickness benefits. My options are severely limited because of that fact. And I'm bloody frustrated and impatient about it.

I always seem to be waiting around on other people for something to happen. It makes me feel out of control. Which brings up the fear for me. Again unsurprisingly because up till now I've had other people controlling me all my life. Don't get me wrong because I love my new found freedom but I also find that scary because I'm just not used to it. In fact it's totally unfamiliar to me. As much as it is a good change for me it's just another thing that is stressing me out.

I'm going to have to find a way to deal with and manage it in a healthier way than drinking on it. But that's a very old habit which is bloody hard to break when I've been doing that for 36 years now. I always find that when it all gets too much for me I want to tie one on to blot out the thoughts and memories and kill and numb the pain and fear. But the pain and fear are still there when I sober up and those feelings often feel more extreme after a session on the booze than before I picked up the booze in the first place.

I had been doing so well too. But lately it's just been one stressor or trigger after another. I now realise that in lots of ways I was denying them at least on an emotional level. Disassociation is a bastard isn't it? And the thing is it happens quite automatically and it sneaks up on me without me even being aware of it. Maybe on some level I don't want to be aware of it lol. But I need to be aware of it so these triggers and stressors don't build up and accumulate then with one too many they bloody floor me. Other stressors have been making new friends in the rooms of AA and at Spectrum. Now at first glance you wouldn't think this would stress me out because it's a good thing especially my new friendship with Teresa. But if you look at it in the context of the fact that I have not had a proper female friend in over 7 years (if indeed I ever had any proper female friends at all since most of the ones I had either deserted me when I became too much for them or they were shagging my ex behind my back without me knowing at the time and they cut off from me because their guilt and shame over their secret betrayal of me wouldn't let them look me in the eye) it's a big change however positive and again I'm just not used to it and it's scary however lovely lol.

I was in a right bloody state with the booze yesterday and being snowed under with horrible feelings and Teresa turned up at my home unexpectedly and seemingly unannounced (she had been trying to get me on my mobile but it was on silent and then it crashed and ran out of charge--bit like me yesterday really lol). She tried knocking on my front door but I didn't get hear it because I was playing my Dire Straits CD at 200 decibels lol. Anyway next thing I know she's stood in front of the back door looking at me through the glass having let herself in the back gate because she's worried about me.

At first I didn't see her standing there. Instead I saw my ex and bloody well shit myself in fear. I told her off for doing that and shocking me in that way but at least she cared enough to come round the back when I didn't answer the front door bless her. I can't fault T for that but again it's not something I'm used to. Being looked after like that. Frankly it's bloody alien to me when nobody has cared about me in decades if anyone ever did at all and certainly not to the degree T cares about me.

Yes friends even that is scary. It's bloody bonkers isn't it? Still I'd better wrap my head round it and learn to trust it as it does look like T ain't going anywhere. She'd have to seriously piss me off for me to end our friendship but I am going to have to tell her to back off a bit know what I mean? I'm so used to being all alone and now suddenly I've got her and all these other people in my life. My life was so bloody empty and now it's rapidly filling up. I really shouldn't complain because all I did before was moan about how lonely I was. But I need some balance with it. I still need alone time as well as company when I'm up to it. It's a fine line eh.

Another stressor is I've met a bloke in the rooms of AA who I really really like. Only snag is he's married and therefore off limits. Not only that he probably wouldn't fancy me anyway even if he was single. Besides it's way too early in my recovery for me to even be thinking about starting a new relationship with anyone male or female.

I think I fancy him for two reasons. One, he is a genuinely safe dude and very kind and very intelligent with it, and two, I've always had a man in tow since I was 15 and I've never had any significant time on my own between relationships. It's funny because on the one hand I feel safer on my own than with anyone else and I've always felt that way because other human beings scare me. But on the other hand I'm scared to be alone and its almost like I am feel I need a bloke to 'protect' me. Or should that really be control me?

It's a bit of a weird oxymoron really. I always seem to be in two minds about it. Holding opposing viewpoints simultaneously. Which no doubt creates a lot of anxiety for me. I've found myself also getting a bit obsessed with this man to the point where I was unconsciously going to every AA meeting I knew he would be at. I think this is because of the fact he is unavailable which is driving this infatuation. In other words I only want him because I can't have him. And if I could have him I wouldn't want him. That's a bit f*cked up really.

Tuesday night I couldn't sleep for dreaming about him. It was like the bloody Kama Sutra in my head folks lol. XXXXX rated!!!! Well I have come to the conclusion that I can enjoy this bloke and take pleasure in him from a distance without him even being aware (or needing to be aware) I'm doing that. I just don't want it to get out of hand like it has before when I've had another teenage crush on someone who was also unavailable. Honestly I've been mooning over this bloke like a lovesick puppy.

I've tried to hide it from it but I think he still knows. It's bloody embarrassing in an almost 50 year old woman. So I'd better take steps to cool my thing for him down because I really don't want it to impact on him at all or make him feel awkward or uncomfortable. Plus I don't want to be losing what precious sleep I have do have or fantasising about something that can never happen. More importantly I don't want to be drinking on it.

And the final and probably biggest stressor is I know my noncey ex is sniffing around again. Yesterday I went in the local cornershop and the young girl serving wanted money off me because she said my ex had been in there a few days ago and got two tins of beer and told her I would be paying for them when I was next in there myself. So I then told her she'd been ripped off because my ex and I had split up and I hadn't seen him in months so he had lied to her and that anything he owed her was therefore his own debt and nothing to do with me. And I also told the young girl that my ex had just done that to cause me problems and to get a reaction out of me because he wants to bait and provoke me into paying him attention again so he can suck me back into the abuse again.

And I told her that my ex is only doing it because he is getting desperate because the court case over him noncing those other two kids recently is almost upon him so as before he just wants to not only hide behind me like a scared little boy but he also wants to drag me down with him because my ex is furious at losing control over me. He really only wants me back a) for protection and B) to punish me for jogging him on almost 3 months ago now. This young girl looked dumbstruck and I told her she really needs to wise up to men like my ex if she doesn't want to get taken advantage of again either in a business sense or a relationship sense. Because he is a wolf in sheep's clothing and he had just taken her for a bloody mug.

What a bastard my ex is eh friends. Well he ain't getting any kind of reaction out of me like he always could before. And he'd better not even think about coming to my home and knocking on the front door. I'll just call Old Bill and I certainly won't open the door to him. What a f*cking c*nt just who does my ex think he really is? His arrogance and stupidity is no less than bloody breath taking. And it's going to get him in a lot of bother if he ain't very careful. Bloody fool he'd better leave me well alone.

So there you go friends. All these stressors and triggers have wiped the bloody floor with me these past couple of weeks. Yes I f*cked up by picking up the drink again yesterday but I've learnt a massive lesson from it all. I've got to recommitt myself to the notion of not wanting to drink, to be honest and humble about all the things that made me drink again, plus learn new ways of dealing with the stressors and triggers so I don't fall back on unhealthy coping styles again. Namely drink denial depression and disassociation. I really need to learn how to manage and regulate my feelings so I don't dive back into any of the 4 D's.

All suggestions support and advice very welcome friends. Because right now I'm bloody clueless as what to do.


Boudicca xx


Hey. Good to hear from you again :)
I can't get over what a massive thing you did by going to the AA meeting!
Seriously, what a brave, healing step for you to take!
I can't get over how awesome that was. "Hey, I'm scared to all shit that you're gonna reject me because that's my literal lifetime of experience, and I screwed up by drinking and I'm scared as all hell, but Imma walk into the lion's den anyway! Woohoo!"
Bloody well done mate. Incredible.
Yeah, you drank. It's shitty that that happened. But you're recognizing you don't want to do it again and facing it with clear-eyed courage and honesty, and not just going "f*ck it" and getting back on the grog. Amazing!
If quitting booze was easy, there'd be no need for AA. One set back is a setback, not a death sentence.
It's amazing that you are making stuff happen for yourself in getting help, too.
I find email really good for chasing people around.
I hope you find a good key worker soon. It might be worth advocating for yourself a bit too. I know everybody's understaffed and underfunded.
Your ex sounds like a prime candidate for a one-way mission to the sun.
Congrats again on all your hard work.


wow! Huge work!!!

Just a couple thoughts---
Huge kudos for reaching out to AA. It's full of people who know exactly what you are going through - so you can't bull shit them. They also know that you need help when you are at rock bottom and since they have done it themselves they won't judge you.

Long time ago a doc told me --- Good stress is just as bad as bad stress. It has the same impact on your body because it can't tell the difference. So when you are having lots of good things happen you need to take a step back and review your coping skills.
How weird is that? But she was right
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