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Overwhelmed.

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Chris-duck

Policy Enforcement
So. Summary for whoever doesn't know me. I'm a nurse in a new ward who ends up in disciplinary if I take any sick leave, I have a "life threatening" (Eh, I'm fine thanks) illness and going inpatient for it in a couple of weeks with a holy-f*cking-medical-phobia so I just took some annual leave to fit that in. I have three wee weirdos that live with me part time and the oldest now lives with me full time. Their mum is a riot. I've kinda been low-key cutting out my family cos they're not the best people to be around ever (Can I get another UotD trophy please @Freida ) which they haven't um dealt with well.

I have a T, kind of, NHS so I have one or two sessions left. So I'm waiting for Tpart2 where I get assessed to see if I'm suitable on Wed and it's a year long waiting list if I am suitable. I messaged private Ts who are gonna give me a call back, but I can only afford like once a month, twice at a push. So it's all a bit pointless.

I kind of give up. Like I don't see the point. I don't see how things will improve. I get how I gotta stay alive for the wee weirdos (Read: my kids.) but I also think they're better off if I don't. I don't really know what I'm meant to do cos I'm kinda on my own, so like I can probably keep myself alive and all that, but I don't get why I'm bothering.

So.. What am I asking for? I have no idea. Some sort of idea of how to manage my own crap. Some sort of motivation to actually care enough to work out a way to manage my crap myself. Basically anything is good.
 
I think one of the hardest things about depression or suicidality is the innate human desire for knowledge; to know things, more specifically to know how we will get better.

It makes everything so much more difficult, particularly in those moments where you find yourself now. And where I've found myself many times as well.

It's like I don't know how, therefore it feels practically impossible.. to expect whatever it is to happen and make things better.

Can you promise me that you'll hang in there, even though you can't see the how right now?
Like the Caterpillar who can't see how TF it's ever going to make it off the ever-dwindling plant on which it lives, still becomes that butterfly.

Death isn't the answer. It just stops us from finding out what that how would have been and causes a shit-tonne more pain for those around us (read: three wee weirdos).
 
Yes you can have a UOTD trophy but is rather give you a self care unicorn for keeping yourself safe. ?

Sometimes it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other until things get better. Can I promise they will? Nope. But chances are higher than not so that's what you hold on to. That and the kids. They will NEVER be better off without you. You know the lecture...how their suicide rate spikes if you kill yourself, how they will always blame themselves, the sounds of grief they make. You don't have to believe me. You just have to look at them. And realize you will never do that to them. Ever.

I'm sorry there is no light at the end of your tunnel right now. But it is there...even if you can't see it. :hug:
 
The others have all responded so eloquently, that I really have nothing to add except they speak the truth. Sometimes it's a slog and that's exhausting. It sounds like that's where your at. So many of us have been there and even though we didn't think things would get better they did. And kids are never better off at the suicide of an adult. Try to hang in there, one little bit at a time.
 
So. Summary for whoever doesn't know me. I'm a nurse in a new ward who ends up in disciplinary if I take any sick leave, I have a "life threatening" (Eh, I'm fine thanks) illness and going inpatient for it in a couple of weeks with a holy-f*cking-medical-phobia so I just took some annual leave to fit that in. I have three wee weirdos that live with me part time and the oldest now lives with me full time. Their mum is a riot. I've kinda been low-key cutting out my family cos they're not the best people to be around ever (Can I get another UotD trophy please @Freida ) which they haven't um dealt with well.

I have a T, kind of, NHS so I have one or two sessions left. So I'm waiting for Tpart2 where I get assessed to see if I'm suitable on Wed and it's a year long waiting list if I am suitable. I messaged private Ts who are gonna give me a call back, but I can only afford like once a month, twice at a push. So it's all a bit pointless.

I kind of give up. Like I don't see the point. I don't see how things will improve. I get how I gotta stay alive for the wee weirdos (Read: my kids.) but I also think they're better off if I don't. I don't really know what I'm meant to do cos I'm kinda on my own, so like I can probably keep myself alive and all that, but I don't get why I'm bothering.

So.. What am I asking for? I have no idea. Some sort of idea of how to manage my own crap. Some sort of motivation to actually care enough to work out a way to manage my crap myself. Basically anything is good.
"They're better off if I don't (stay alive) is something that I frequently struggle with too. Think about this; Think of the idea that if you're gone, who might step in to raise those kids? Would a step-father, or any other parental figure end up abusing them? Or at the very least not raise them properly? Even the slightest chance. Are you willing to leave that possibility open and out of your control?
 
Thanks guys :hug:
Maybe you could consider your own legacy?
Yeah, I dunno. I guess in my brain I don't think I have one? Like doesn't seem to compute that I *matter* enough for anything to exist about me once I'm gone. Like I know that's not rational, cos I obviously have people that care etc. Just yah, I dunno. Brain is shit.
Can you promise me that you'll hang in there, even though you can't see the how right now?
Yeah, it's cool. Not planning to do owt or anything, I'm safe.
Death isn't the answer. It just stops us from finding out what that how would have been and causes a shit-tonne more pain for those around us (read: three wee weirdos)
Yeah I know, the whole passing the pain along thing. Like I do know this, I just don't seem to be able to get into my thick skull right now.
And it's four wee weirdos ;) Three part time, one full time. Not that that's the point obv, sorry.
Yes you can have a UOTD trophy but is rather give you a self care unicorn for keeping yourself safe. ?
Thanks.
Sometimes it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other until things get better. Can I promise they will? Nope. But chances are higher than not so that's what you hold on to
Yeah, that's kinda what I've been doing, but shit just keeps f*cking happening. Like *all* I'm doing and have done for however long is put one foot in front of the other, and I'm just kinda tired of it I guess. But yeah, I'll keep doing it, cos y'know, options are limited really.
You know the lecture...how their suicide rate spikes if you kill yourself, how they will always blame themselves, the sounds of grief they make. You don't have to believe me. You just have to look at them. And realize you will never do that to them. Ever.
Yeah I know the lecture :P
I'm sorry there is no light at the end of your tunnel right now. But it is there...even if you can't see it. :hug:
Thanks :hug:
Sometimes it's a slog and that's exhausting. It sounds like that's where your at. So many of us have been there and even though we didn't think things would get better they did. And kids are never better off at the suicide of an adult. Try to hang in there, one little bit at a time.
Thanks and Yeah, it's just so frustrating. Like totally exhausted by it all, and everyone's a bit like "omg obviously you're stressed cos blaahhh" but I dunno, I can't imagine a whole lifetime of this. And I know I've had better times, and logically things will ease up again cos it's just how life goes, but omg I'm totally useless right now.
Think about this; Think of the idea that if you're gone, who might step in to raise those kids? Would a step-father, or any other parental figure end up abusing them? Or at the very least not raise them properly? Even the slightest chance. Are you willing to leave that possibility open and out of your control?
Yeah. They'd have their bioparents (I'm female btw, so I've got custody but amn't their mum). Like this part kinda does already feel out of my control. Like no matter what I do their bioparents are f*cking them up in the background on top of my f*cking shit up everywhere. Like it's not rational but I kinda think like with their parent shit they'd still be in the same situation, but without my added shit on top, so that's better? Not *good* but *better*.. But I've had enough people blahblah at me about how that makes no sense at all, so ehh.. I'll pretend I don't think that I guess..

Thanks. Sorry my replies are shit, had a bit of a night and I still feel like crap. And I'm half asleep but trying to human.. Ugh. Sorry.
 
Sorry, haven't contributed here, or anywhere really...
No idea how things might become smoother, except that are you sure you've gotten all the support social services can give? You surely are entitled to everything they have to offer.
 
Sorry, haven't contributed here, or anywhere really...
Don't worry bout it. You've got your own shit going on. I get it ?
are you sure you've gotten all the support social services can give?
Imma go with I have all the support I'm willing to take ?? There's respite fostering n shit but I don't even trust the people I know with them ? n there's support groups n shit but nah cos the kids aren't the biggest stress in my life and they're relatively easy kids so I dunno. Don't think the support group stuff would really apply basically.

Yah. I know. Take whatever I can get but yah :shifty:
 
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