Just wanted to share my experience with everyone. I was doing better (doing a lot of therapeutic work, working on self care, minimizing addictive behavior, etc) and then about three weeks ago, I had a really sudden and painful left turn into wanting to commit suicide. To be clear - I don't have a plan or intent - just really intense feelings and fantasies about it. It hurt so much because I thought I had worked past some of that. But instead those feelings seemed stronger than ever.
The forced isolation of being locked down this year has kicked my CPTSD into overdrive. I've been remembering all sorts of things from childhood and young adulthood, but mostly have just been generally feeling overwhelmed by pain and depression. My neck and shoulder muscles are so armored sometimes it makes it hard for me to breathe normally. Sometimes I believe that I'm "peeling the onion" and just working through another layer in some overarching process of healing, and sometimes it feels like this is a forever condition.
I don't really want to die. In some ways I am doing fine. But I am struggling hard to maintain. My place is filthy. I don't feel like I can trust anyone, especially family. I feel like 8 months of little meaningful contact with human beings is making me lose my mind. My finances are waning and job future is uncertain. It seems like when I forget how fresh those suicidal feelings are, then I really get smacked with them. Sometimes PTSD feels like I am in one of those Star Trek time-loop episodes, where I go through the same thing over and over and over. I hope I can figure out something to at least make the cycles less frequent.
Does any of this resonate with other people?
The forced isolation of being locked down this year has kicked my CPTSD into overdrive. I've been remembering all sorts of things from childhood and young adulthood, but mostly have just been generally feeling overwhelmed by pain and depression. My neck and shoulder muscles are so armored sometimes it makes it hard for me to breathe normally. Sometimes I believe that I'm "peeling the onion" and just working through another layer in some overarching process of healing, and sometimes it feels like this is a forever condition.
I don't really want to die. In some ways I am doing fine. But I am struggling hard to maintain. My place is filthy. I don't feel like I can trust anyone, especially family. I feel like 8 months of little meaningful contact with human beings is making me lose my mind. My finances are waning and job future is uncertain. It seems like when I forget how fresh those suicidal feelings are, then I really get smacked with them. Sometimes PTSD feels like I am in one of those Star Trek time-loop episodes, where I go through the same thing over and over and over. I hope I can figure out something to at least make the cycles less frequent.
Does any of this resonate with other people?