Painful Suicidal Ideation

[SugarPlum]

Just wanted to share my experience with everyone. I was doing better (doing a lot of therapeutic work, working on self care, minimizing addictive behavior, etc) and then about three weeks ago, I had a really sudden and painful left turn into wanting to commit suicide. To be clear - I don't have a plan or intent - just really intense feelings and fantasies about it. It hurt so much because I thought I had worked past some of that. But instead those feelings seemed stronger than ever.

The forced isolation of being locked down this year has kicked my CPTSD into overdrive. I've been remembering all sorts of things from childhood and young adulthood, but mostly have just been generally feeling overwhelmed by pain and depression. My neck and shoulder muscles are so armored sometimes it makes it hard for me to breathe normally. Sometimes I believe that I'm "peeling the onion" and just working through another layer in some overarching process of healing, and sometimes it feels like this is a forever condition.

I don't really want to die. In some ways I am doing fine. But I am struggling hard to maintain. My place is filthy. I don't feel like I can trust anyone, especially family. I feel like 8 months of little meaningful contact with human beings is making me lose my mind. My finances are waning and job future is uncertain. It seems like when I forget how fresh those suicidal feelings are, then I really get smacked with them. Sometimes PTSD feels like I am in one of those Star Trek time-loop episodes, where I go through the same thing over and over and over. I hope I can figure out something to at least make the cycles less frequent.

Does any of this resonate with other people?

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @SugarPlum - I do understand what you're talking about. I think that the symptoms of ptsd are cyclic. I too have had many instances where I thought that having dealt with something or other that it was done and dusted. Only to discover that it (whatever) has or is revisting me. It's a disapointing realisation.

You've got many, many issues to work through. All and any of which could be playing around with your mood. Also a lot of the issues you need to deal with are such that you don't have control over the economy, your job prospects (unless you can make a plan to improve that) and lockdown restrictions and of course avoiding covid.

You sound a little depressed tbh. I wonder if you could see a doctor and discuss medication or adjustment if you are already on? This may help alleviate the very real symptoms that you are experiencing until the way forward and away from your real life concerns can be resolved.

 

[Friday]

Painful ideation is the good kind, as backwards as it seems. It means you’re still fighting.

 

[Friday]

It hurt so much because I thought I had worked past some of that. But instead those feelings seemed stronger than ever.

I wasn’t suicidal at all for about 10 years. It was an absolute shock when one day it simply came back... as if it had never left, and was even more absolute & determined than it ever was.

I’m pretty lucky...

...I had a lot of years the first time ‘round to refine the hell out of my “rules” around suicide. (I spent about 5 years trying to get myself killed. Pure dumb luck, rather than skill, is how I survived those years. My rules around suicide? Are based from the lessons I learned during those years, once I decided I wanted to live.) Those came back a little slower? But just as strong. They balance each other out, rather than cancel each other out, but that’s still one helluva help.

...The best times in my life? Came AFTER I was suicidal. They weren’t what stopped it, and it wasn’t that life was all puppies & kittens; but they also weren’t things I could ever have imagined, nor imagined wanting. During dark times now, especially as things I’ve worked so hard for so long vanish before my eyes? It’s a good set of experiences to have. That I may well love people and do things I can’t even imagine now, worth making i through this pain. And, even now, I might not be happy & my life might not be what I want, or how I want it... but that doesn’t mean that what I’m doing now either isn’t important, or won’t become important to me later. Shrug. It’s a weird concept to wrap my head around, even having lived it. It’s not hope. At all. Not even in the same galaxy as hope. Its not waiting on something better, or for something to change. It’s more of a recognition; that I don’t know, what I don’t know; & remembering that just because I can’t see the point? Doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Or even several. It just means I can’t see it.

where I go through the same thing over and over and over. I hope I can figure out something to at least make the cycles less frequent.

I’ve come to accept that when I’m symptomatic? Being suicidal is going to be part of that, sometimes. And yes. Exactly this.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @SugarPlum, if your really struggling at the moment and don't have an action plan to resort to, then I would strongly advise you to go and see your docters and talk about the possibility of taking medication to help.

Sometimes simple things are enough to snap you out of suicidal ideation, like ( a new hobby or sport, some kind of new activity) but if there's a chemical imbalance in your brain and your depression is serious then anti depressants may help.

 

[Survivor3]

I nearly killed myself with a knife once. I was going to stab myself in the chest. Quite frankly I needed to be sedated (put on some kind of medication) and have access to psychological help/assistance. Instead they put me in prison. Not fun at all.

 

[SugarPlum]

Thanks @blackemerald1 @Friday @Survivor3 for sharing

 

[woodsy1]

Just wanted to share my experience with everyone. I was doing better (doing a lot of therapeutic work, working on self care, minimizing addictive behavior, etc) and then about three weeks ago, I had a really sudden and painful left turn into wanting to commit suicide.

I find that, while processing things often feels helpful, it can also be very stressful. If I process too much, too quickly, I can tailspin really fast. Sometimes I just have to take a break from dealing with anything.

To be clear - I don't have a plan or intent - just really intense feelings and fantasies about it.

Super glad you have no plan or intent. I've been there. Hurting so bad all the time. Wondering if it's ever going to get better. If I will ever see normal again. Those ugly thoughts of death passing by. But never having a plan or intent.

It hurt so much because I thought I had worked past some of that. But instead those feelings seemed stronger than ever.

Don't mean to sound like a broken record, but sometimes working through things really can put us back into a real bad space. Do you ever find a pattern you can hold onto for hope? Example, I typically have a better day right after a worst day. I try to remember this when I'm in my worst days.

The forced isolation of being locked down this year has kicked my CPTSD into overdrive. I've been remembering all sorts of things from childhood and young adulthood, but mostly have just been generally feeling overwhelmed by pain and depression. My neck and shoulder muscles are so armored sometimes it makes it hard for me to breathe normally. Sometimes I believe that I'm "peeling the onion" and just working through another layer in some overarching process of healing, and sometimes it feels like this is a forever condition.

Isolation doesn't help. That's for sure. I self-isolated for 2 years straight. Maddening. Just when I came out, COVID hit. What an irony!

I don't really want to die. In some ways I am doing fine. But I am struggling hard to maintain.

This is often the hardest part for me. Being fine but not fine. Looking to others like I'm fully functioning when I'm not even close. Some of the people closest to me still don't comprehend the degree or persistence of my suffering. Heck I don't even fully understand it myself! How can they?

My place is filthy. I don't feel like I can trust anyone, especially family. I feel like 8 months of little meaningful contact with human beings is making me lose my mind. My finances are waning and job future is uncertain. It seems like when I forget how fresh those suicidal feelings are, then I really get smacked with them. Sometimes PTSD feels like I am in one of those Star Trek time-loop episodes, where I go through the same thing over and over and over. I hope I can figure out something to at least make the cycles less frequent.

Does any of this resonate with other people?

This ALL resonates with me. Hang in there! Better days come. You will find breaks in the seemingly never ending cycle. Life won't always be as it is now.

Chat us up any time.

We're here.

Woodsy1