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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Friday" data-source="post: 1708363" data-attributes="member: 27208">I wasn’t suicidal at all for about 10 years. It was an absolute shock when one day it simply came back... as if it had never left, and was even more absolute & determined than it ever was.I’m pretty lucky......I had a lot of years the first time ‘round to refine the hell out of my “rules” around suicide. (I spent about 5 years trying to get myself killed. Pure dumb luck, rather than skill, is how I survived those years. My rules around suicide? Are based from the lessons I learned during those years, once I decided I wanted to live.) Those came back a little slower? But just as strong. They balance each other out, rather than cancel each other out, but that’s still one helluva help....The best times in my life? Came AFTER I was suicidal. They weren’t what stopped it, and it wasn’t that life was all puppies & kittens; but they also weren’t things I could ever have imagined, nor imagined wanting. During dark times now, especially as things I’ve worked so hard for so long vanish before my eyes? It’s a good set of experiences to have. That I may well love people and do things I can’t even imagine now, worth making i through this pain. And, even now, I might not be happy & my life might not be what I want, or how I want it... but that doesn’t mean that what I’m doing now either isn’t important, or won’t become important to me later. Shrug. It’s a weird concept to wrap my head around, even having lived it. It’s not hope. At all. Not even in the same galaxy as hope. Its not waiting on something better, or for something to change. It’s more of a recognition; that I don’t know, what I don’t know; & remembering that just because I can’t see the point? Doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Or even several. It just means I can’t see it.I’ve come to accept that when I’m symptomatic? Being suicidal is going to be part of that, sometimes. And yes. Exactly this.</blockquote>

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