Panic Attack At School

[Dbldutchie]

Today we had a mandatory lock down protocol where we had to watch a graphic video of what it could look like if we had a shooter on campus, and what to do in that instance.

Unfortunately, I had already seen this video unexpectedly last week and it sent me reeling into that place where I try so desperately to stay away from. It was my last class and I was able to leave campus after class.. I was able to keep it together..to some degree..between batting my eyelashes fervently and counting the ceiling tiles..but today.. I just couldn't do it again. I couldn't watch..couldn't hear those "fake" gun shots echoing through my campus corridors...I couldn't handle seeing students and staff lok like they were getting shot..I just..didn't have it in me.

I think a light happened to caste down on me and my prayers were answered. My professor gave anyone that was uncomfortable with it an out. She also suffers from PTSD and excused herself from the school-wide cinematic horror show.

I understand the NEED for this video..but I just wish there was a different way to go about dealing with situation. Along with my prof, there was another young woman with us, and she is just beginning her journey of healing. This girl, who I don't know anything about, and my prof all huddled together in solidarity with teary eyes and deep shaky breaths.

It needless to say, ruined my whole day. I've been uneasy, jumpy, and pushing back tears. I HATE that this is still happening to me, nearly TEN years later..I just want it to go away. I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. This poor young woman..it was like looking in a mirror..and it just broke my heart. To see this cycle continuing on all around me.

As though the impending video wasn't bad enough whomever was playing the announcement forgot to turn it off, so this repeated over and over and over again. It starts off with this fire alarm noise followed by the message.

I felt myself getting light headed and I wanted to scream to turn the damn thing off..the others in class were giggling and I was having a f*cking breakdown. I'm now at the point of embarrassment. I know that they (being my entire class block) all know that I'm f*cked up in some way. I get that we all have our own problems, I get it, but having to stand up with my ghost white complection, shaking hands, and tear stained cheeks..is just adding insult to injury. Nothing like having thirty people witnessing your mental deterioration.

This other girl..she's only been going through this for 7months..thats not nearly enough time to have to watch something that is loaded with triggers. I could feel the gun barrel being pressed against my head all over again. I could feel the cold metal..the hardness of it. I heard his demands all over again. I felt his grip tighten around my neck twisting my hair.. I was fixated on the red handkerchief that covered part of his accomplices face..I felt like I was there again. I was standing with my head nearly between my knees-my whole body shaking..and knocking on the door. I had no clue if I would live that moment. I didn't know if once I gave into his demands if he would pull the trigger and I would be dead at 21. I could see my managers face as he threw his arms in the air and I remember being paralyzed. I didn't know what to do or where to go. BUZZ goes the drill and it would start all over again.

I haven't replayed that day in such great enormity in quite some time. Maybe that is why I am so upset. I got comfortable and it just sacked me. I didn't see it coming I thought that this part of my life was over. I know better..I started counseling this year and I thought I was good..but I don't know anymore. Maybe it was just a bad day. Maybe this is starting all over again.

I ended the drill in the bathroom with my classmate I don't know..hugging and trying to give her advice on how to move on. It seemed so odd to be the one giving advice and now I am here. Asking you all for some more insight on how I can cope with it all. I tried the breathing, the counting tiles, picturing a sandy beach, reminding myself that this IS NOT reality, reminding myself that I am OK, I am ALIVE, that I am here, and that I am a SURVIVOR. But..it just feel shallow.

 

[joeylittle]

All I can say is, I'm very sorry to hear about what you've gone through - both your past trauma, and this "drill" bullshit. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself - it sounds like an almost unbearably triggering situation, bordering on trauma re-enactment. Give yourself some time to fully calm back down and come back to yourself. You've got the skills - keep using them, even though right now they feel weak or shallow.

And can you see your therapist soon? I think the sooner you can get into working on this with them, the better.

 

[ladee]

First, welcome to the forums. Excellent that you reached out. I can not begin to imagine what was going thru your mind and body. Sounds like to me you did an awesome job of taking care of yourself at the time. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think any of us that have gone thru what you did, regardless of how long they had been working on this, would have felt any different. It was so real for you. You didn't make any of it up. it was real. I agree to give yourself time to settle down. And by all means contact your T and let him/her know what happened.... sending lots of :hug:'s if you accept them. and here, sharing, you are safe. Please keep us updated as to how you are... thinking of you and try to remember, you are not alone. we do understand.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forum!
It's good that you got out of the situation, and I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

It's really awful, especially in school, but it's good you have an understanding teacher and so on.

Your school should work more on getting you to need to handle as little triggers as possible. Is there anyone you can go to for that?

You are safe, nobody is gonna hurt you.

I really hope the situation resolves a bit, sending warm hugs :hug: