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panic into dissociation and back again

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
The last three days I've been living entirely in dissociation or absolute sheer panic states. I'm absolutely overwhelmed with everything in my life and I have no more time to just rest and let it pass. I took two entire days off of school when I only have two weeks left, so now I'm going to probably have to use accommodations coming into the busiest two weeks of school. My professors are great about it but I'm so ANGRY at myself for not just pushing past it.

They've been renovating my house for two months so I've had to focus while people are banging on everything for MONTHS now, trying to do projects, apply for jobs (since I basically lost my job too, but I have savings which is lucky), now unemployment for gig workers is up and I'm trying to figure that out too, and I've been trying to start to look at internships and careers etc and it's making me panic too. I could set that aside for a week or two, but I'm worried I won't be able to secure an internship and they'll all be gone (like they aren't already...most people are pulling them). I set aside three days in the future for doing absolutely nothing but resting. After that I'll start writing my next book.

I also have an impending move to a state with a stupid as h*ll governor who's just letting people die, probably bc he's got vested interests in wrestling (you know who LOL). I somehow have to transfer all my doctors over during a pandemic while I'm in a high risk group (obese and undiagnosed autoimmune disorder) in a state where wait times are already months (oh, and not knowing WHEN I'm going to move, because we have no timeline or dates).

I'm just freaking out, all the time. I even eliminated some things but it feels like I can't eliminate the rest.

Also thinking about it I have a bad anniversary date coming up so maybe that’s contributing to the panic??

Another thing to add sorry is that I had stuff planning to put myself out there and do writing workshops this week and have subsequently cancelled every single one and I’m really down on myself about. I’m going to try again when things aren’t so terrible externally so not terrible internally
 
I don’t have any advice because it looks like you are doing everything you can. All I can say is I am so sorry this is happening and is so overwhelming. I can’t imagine. I do wonder if on one of the days you are dedicating to be “off” (fantastic idea btw) you tried a bit of calming yoga. Sometimes that can help me to remember to breathe and helps me feel a bit more grounded.
 
There’s a lot going on in the world and in your world right now. You’re being hard on yourself. Of course you’re overwhelmed.

You’re starting off right by canceling some things, or trying to rearrange your schedule. The guilt from that can be overwhelming as well, but this is an issue of perspective. You’re actually taking charge and making hard, but positive, decisions that will benefit you.

When I have to cancel things, I try to leave at least one “unnecessary” thing that I would enjoy — usually also writing workshops. Sometimes I’ve found that that helps me get “motivated” (that’s not exactly the problem) to do things.

It’s okay to be frustrated about the situations. But don’t beat yourself up. You are doing a lot right now.

Have you talked about negative core beliefs with your therapist? It sounds like you may have one centered around “I’m not enough,” “I’m a failure,” or some others negative belief that’s making you be so hard on yourself during this time.

Take it easy :hug:
 
Thank you both!!

I can’t imagine. I do wonder if on one of the days you are dedicating to be “off” (fantastic idea btw) you tried a bit of calming yoga. Sometimes that can help me to remember to breathe and helps me feel a bit more grounded.

I love yoga!! I think that'd be a great idea. I realized I'm probably just overwhelmed and overworked, so I'm going to try to force myself to work less in order to recover!!

When I have to cancel things, I try to leave at least one “unnecessary” thing that I would enjoy — usually also writing workshops. Sometimes I’ve found that that helps me get “motivated” (that’s not exactly the problem) to do things.

That's a good idea! I'm going to keep the one next week, it's only an hour! The one yesterday was two and I think that would have bankrupted me the rest of the night. They're going to work with me though, nice people!

Have you talked about negative core beliefs with your therapist? It sounds like you may have one centered around “I’m not enough,” “I’m a failure,” or some others negative belief that’s making you be so hard on yourself during this time.

Yes I have! We did a session entirely on "I'm not enough" a few weeks ago. I'm working on it by tackling it with positive affirmations, meditation, and some essentially DBT type things. It's a HARD one though, doesn't want to budge. I've had it since I was 5, so go figure haha. I really do have a lot of hatred for myself and the further I dig the further I go, but one day I'll get to the bottom and rebuild lol.
 
Thank you @Survivor3 and @Changing4Best !! I’m feeling a lot better today, I got extensions on some of my work just in case. I’m forcing myself to just do maybe 1-2hours of work bc I have to, but I can spread it out more so I can rest. Rest is hard. A lot of my identity comes from work and with covid not having that I don’t think I’ve recognized how much that’s worn on me.
 
Still having waves of panic and that irritability for anxiety this weekend, plus some other stressful things. Yesterday was rough. Last night I was so exhausted from the anxiety I fell asleep at 8:30, but I woke up at 2am and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I guess that's 6 hours and I sleep 10 the previous night but it made me cranky laying there waiting to go back to sleep when I couldn't
 
I slept Sunday and Monday night but I feel like I'm like a downed electricity wire, like I'm just going to hurt everyone around me because I'm hurting. I haven't for once but I just feel so terrible. I've tried journaling, all sorts of healthy methods, and all I want to do is self harm. I can't get this emotion or emotions to go away. I just want to cry, and I am. I'm just sobbing.

I got extensions on one class and the other the professor just never responded, I still got the work done though. I feel like I can't finish out this semester strong. I feel miserable. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I'm so tired of pushing myself. I feel like it's all just too much and I'm not doing enough and we don't even have food in my house. I can't keep balancing all of this and my own mind.
 
You ARE finishing strong, when you look at all you’re dealing with all at once. You will get past this either way. :hug:

And by the way, when you feel like you’ll hurt others with your misery — maybe that’s a good time to reach out to someone? I don’t know about you, but when I feel that way, it’s because I need to talk to someone.

I hope you feel leas stressed today. :hug: Hearing you.
 
thank you @littleoc I'm so close to done with school, but I'm struggling through it. I feel like I'll end up skipping some of the work, I have As in the classes so I have a buffer. But knowing me I'll do it all haha.

That's a good point about reaching out to someone. I just feel like I need that too much, I dunno. I've felt especially lonely in this pandemic quarantine.

Today is a bit better! I'm more sloping downward to depression because I'm burnt out and tired now. I go in cycles: a week or two of bad anxiety and a week or two of depression, or sometimes even shorter periods.
 
it's even worse today, but I worked for almost 11 hours straight. I'm absolutely gone anxiety wise. just feel like barbed wire under my skin. but I am taking steps to make it better
 
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