Panicking and being hypervigilant today...

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I am flipping out. I shouldn't but I am.

I was barely holding it together as it is, with the job hunt and visa applications and side projects deadlines.

Tomorrow I have another gig, so I was supposed to work well full work day on one project today. I have until 11th for the project, but it's big and shouldn't lean on last moment work.

First, I have nightmares all night and wake up late and hyper. Then I need to show something about cleaning fridge to my roommate that turns into an hour task. Then she surprises me that she'll be moving in with her boyfriend like in a day or whatnot. And then it becomes a chaos of what bills need payment, what needs to be cleaned, should she move in a month, who will live here after and so on. And I have few friend messages to respond, one of which got worried that I wasn't answering. And then suddenly it's 3pm and I haven't even STARTED my work day.

BUT my roommate needs to celebrate the moving with boyfriend so she'll be making a sudden party in an hour. And the kitchen is right next to my room and my desk.
I have a HUGE migraine and I'm barely keeping it together even alone and in all quiet house, let alone with any people and even more distractions.
A lot of my coping with anxiety is having schedule and routine and a way to deal with issues that is not so sudden so I don't feel like it's all on my head in one moment. And now it feels like it is, like I can barely remember what exactly I need to be working on. All this chaos got me out of knowhere. I made mindmap of all on my mind to braindump and made tea and I'm trying. But it feels like I need time to calm down but it's already late and I don't get that time and I'm FREAKING out and I feel like an idiot. I am so freaking well planned and oriented and somehow got to this day and my roommate wants to have a party and I want to work and everything is just... foggy and hyper and I can't breathe...
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
I am flipping out. I shouldn't but I am.
I had to give up on should or shouldn't. What is is.
I was barely holding it together as it is, with the job hunt and visa applications and side projects deadlines.
It sucks to feel like things are falling to pieces.
Tomorrow I have another gig, so I was supposed to work well full work day on one project today. I have until 11th for the project, but it's big and shouldn't lean on last moment work.

First, I have nightmares all night and wake up late and hyper.
Waking up in a bad place can set the wrong tone for any day. I hope things calm down for you quickly.
Then I need to show something about cleaning fridge to my roommate that turns into an hour task. Then she surprises me that she'll be moving in with her boyfriend like in a day or whatnot. And then it becomes a chaos of what bills need payment, what needs to be cleaned, should she move in a month, who will live here after and so on. And I have few friend messages to respond, one of which got worried that I wasn't answering. And then suddenly it's 3pm and I haven't even STARTED my work day.
Ugh!
BUT my roommate needs to celebrate the moving with boyfriend so she'll be making a sudden party in an hour. And the kitchen is right next to my room and my desk.
I have a HUGE migraine and I'm barely keeping it together even alone and in all quiet house, let alone with any people and even more distractions.
A lot of my coping with anxiety is having schedule and routine and a way to deal with issues that is not so sudden so I don't feel like it's all on my head in one moment. And now it feels like it is, like I can barely remember what exactly I need to be working on. All this chaos got me out of knowhere.
When my mind is racing and foggy, I can't do much of anything.
I made mindmap of all on my mind to braindump and made tea and I'm trying. But it feels like I need time to calm down but it's already late and I don't get that time and I'm FREAKING out and I feel like an idiot. I am so freaking well planned and oriented and somehow got to this day and my roommate wants to have a party and I want to work and everything is just... foggy and hyper and I can't breathe...
Breath. Every thing is going to work out. I hope talking about it helped some.

Talk some more. We're here.

Woodsy1
 

Justmehere

Moderator
You are not an idiot at all and there's no reason for all the shoulds....

Instead, maybe focus on the next thing. Just the very next thing. All the rest? Put it aside and do just the next thing.

The next thing might be taking a break to recharge so that when you do get back to work on the project you can be more effective.

I hope the migraine clears up and the sudden party isn't too distracting.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
When my mind is racing and foggy, I can't do much of anything.
Same, hence the problem...
Talk some more. We're here.
Thanks!
Honestly I braindumped all I'm worried about and I'm compartmentalizing a bit. If I think about it all I'll do nothing.
So I took another half hour for coffee and candy, and now I'm working. I picked all the easiest tasks of the work project and I'm just focusing on managing at least half a work day today. The more I finish(even if it's just the easier tasks) the better for that project. And much of the rest I\m not sure how to cope with yet. So I'm separating it.

Instead, maybe focus on the next thing.
Literally followed that exact advice before I read it! :)
The 'grand' plan for tonight, is to do as much work as I can (max 4h as I need to be early on another project tomorrow) doing the easier work tasks because it's all I can handle. And if being able to stomach it- read and annotate a bit of that DBT workbook I have on pdf somewhere, because I know that having easier ideas on how to cope on such days will definitely help.

I can't help but think- if I was altogether responsible adult today wouldn't have knocked me off quite so easily. That desire to make changes and 'get it together asap' so I can handle such days.
But I don't think that's helping anything.
So I'm trying to isolate and separate things in my head and just work a bit, 15min at a time cause it's all I can digest.
 

RussellSue

MyPTSD Pro
Are you able to work from your bathroom or some other quiet place?

I find that lots of activity around me when I am already stressed makes it impossible to focus.

I hope you feel better, soon, and are able to get some things done.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
So I took another half hour for coffee and candy, and now I'm working. I picked all the easiest tasks of the work project and I'm just focusing on managing at least half a work day today. The more I finish(even if it's just the easier tasks) the better for that project. And much of the rest I\m not sure how to cope with yet. So I'm separating it.
Well done!
I can't help but think- if I was altogether responsible adult today wouldn't have knocked me off quite so easily. That desire to make changes and 'get it together asap' so I can handle such days.
The way I'll say it to myself - "come on snap into it."

Thing is... I know a lot of adults that seem like they have it all together and end up a hot mess on the regular behind closed doors.

The freaking out phase tends to last shorter if it comes with less self judgement is, you are not less responsible than other adults.

But I don't think that's helping anything.
Right. Your process to wisely recognize that and regroup - just like you did so remarkably well - that's exactly what responsible adults do. Good on you.

I hope the evening continues to improve.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I find that lots of activity around me when I am already stressed makes it impossible to focus.

I hope you feel better, soon, and are able to get some things done.
Thanks! Well, the party hadn't started yet. I think it's about to. I am the same focus-wise. The bathroom won't do because for current work I am using 2 screens- laptop and tablet and we have 1 bathroom so bad place during party. But I did make a deal that if she's having the party in the kitchen I can work in her room as it is at least slightly further from the kitchen.
I think it's the best I can do right now...

The freaking out phase tends to last shorter if it comes with less self judgement is, you are not less responsible than other adults.
I guess. I think I passed the outright direct freakout phase but that lead to the post-anxiety fatigue phase and I feel if I put my head on a pillow I'll fall asleep. I haven't had such fatigue in long while, it's like having traveled 24h in a roll.

Right. Your process to wisely recognize that and regroup - just like you did so remarkably well - that's exactly what responsible adults do. Good on you.

I hope the evening continues to improve.
Thanks, but I am not sure it's good enough coping. I have had so far quiet for a bit and I still had to work 15m and rest 15m and so on. I have 1 full hour work so far. I think I may only manage 1 or 2 more since my back sciatica is starting to 'wake up. If it gets worse I'll have to be horizonal for a bit.

Honestly, this month is already a lot, not sure how I'd cope with a new person moving in the apartment.
I am avoiding overthinking about any problem as it is going to make any work harder.

I don't know if others have it more together (but at least maybe they have savings).
All I know is, I SERIOUSLY need to work towards a better future, STAT. I hate feeling so out of control, like nothing that happened today was much up to me. Except for the little bits of work I did manage and am trying to manage.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
update:
my roommate had half-party here and will do the rest at his place, yes!
on one hand, great, quiet sleep
on the other, she left chaos behind so I took time to order and ended up hyperventilating again.
also need to get some sleep for tomorrow's project so the longer project I am still waaay being on.

Only good part is today I have my side hustle cleaning gig, so while it's tough physically it's time away in which I get to think over anything I need to. So it's good goals planning time.
I'm horizontal now, my back is bad. Any other work today depends on if it gets better.
I guess I'll have to work mo
 

RussellSue

MyPTSD Pro
I have my side hustle cleaning gig, so while it's tough physically it's time away in which I get to think over anything I need to. So it's good goals planning time.
I hope you feel better, quickly.

I used to clean a restaurant and some vacation rentals. It was good thinking time, for sure.

I'm glad you will get the opportunity to sleep, too. That is very important all the time but when stress is high, it's huge.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
update:
my roommate had half-party here and will do the rest at his place, yes!
on one hand, great, quiet sleep
on the other, she left chaos behind so I took time to order and ended up hyperventilating again.
also need to get some sleep for tomorrow's project so the longer project I am still waaay being on.

Only good part is today I have my side hustle cleaning gig, so while it's tough physically it's time away in which I get to think over anything I need to. So it's good goals planning time.
I'm horizontal now, my back is bad. Any other work today depends on if it gets better.
I guess I'll have to work mo
Sometimes cleaning helps. When you just have to do something to escape the pain.
 
Top