Sufferer Paralyzed With Fear Most Of The Time, CSA, DV

Bitter Pill

Confident
I am terrified because of my financial situation - very, very little income and dependent on my bullying husband. I put myself in this situation. It isn’t surprising.

I learned how to live at 5 yrs old when my grandfather seduced me with alcohol, money and candy. I lost my virginity summer of 1st grade by him. It continued through elementary school.

He died when I got into Jr High. I was so good at faking a smile, trying to act happy and outgoing, cheerleading, voted friendliest, and all the while I thought everyone knew what had gone on. I felt less than all my peers. Partly due to the abuse which brought so much embarrassment, shame, fear, fight or flight reactions coupled with the fact I grew up in a large family in a shack with no love - rather bigotry, hatred and abuse. Too many older brothers got in on the action.

I fell away from all my “friends” if they can be called that because I always was hiding inside and no one ever really knew me. I got butterflies thinking of keg parties and smoking dope to cope with it all.

Fast forward: I’m 65, married to an abuser (so many men over the years, mostly abusers) unable to get out unless I want to live on the street. He lied about a lot of things before we got married. What a mess and here I am again.

I tied suicide and failed at 17. All I’ve done was run in fear from every situation that was scary, and I’m scared of almost everything. I’m feeling like a shut-in. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I stopped working after the worst job (of many!) of my life 25 yrs ago. My Social Security is almost nil. I missed all the memos on that, like everything else in life.

I’m just trying to get along and not be flipping out. It’s very difficult. My emotions are all over the board. I’m not on a mood stablizer and am getting yelled at while I’m typing this. He’s actually flipping out on me because I’m not handling the insurance for HIS house (my name’s not on it - that was a lie) correctly. Sweet Jesus. I hate him at times. I feel like a caged animal.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Im sorry things are so bad right now. Have you considered income based housing? In some cities, its actually not bad. If your income is low enough, you could qualify for food stamps and a medical card. I know that it would be tough but there are also many charities that might be able to help. Might start with contacting a domestic violence shelter near you and seeing how they can help. Prayers.
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
Im sorry things are so bad right now. Have you considered income based housing? In some cities, its actually not bad. If your income is low enough, you could qualify for food stamps and a medical card. I know that it would be tough but there are also many charities that might be able to help. Might start with contacting a domestic violence shelter near you and seeing how they can help. Prayers.
Thank you so much but I’ve been through it all. For so, so many yrs, I’m tired. I’m alone. I have no friends I can talk with. Truth be told I have no friends left. I never knew how to be close, cherish, really love and be close, and TRUST,
I’m not on any meds to help with mood swings. I’m not on any psych meds because I can’t afford it.

He has been wanting to explode and have an argument for a couple weeks. I actually thought I had it under control. He never says thanks or sorry. I told him he was welcome (but he hadn’t thanked me) for something I’ve been doing for him for sometime. He blew up at me and said I didn’t thank him for putting a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and went on and on. I have no where to go. I’m snowed in, so I started singing, and he kept going. It really makes a difference because I was feeling a little better, and that’s better than nothing.

I’ve run scared literally all my life. My Mom didn’t have time. She had nine kids. My dad made it a no-picnic kind of life. I got no memos. I didn’t plan for life. I didn’t plan financially - ever. I was convinced I was dying at the age of 39.

You give me hope. I refuse to call a crisis center. They always end up sending an ambulance and cops and making a scene. I wish there was someone to talk with.

Im sorry things are so bad right now. Have you considered income based housing? In some cities, its actually not bad. If your income is low enough, you could qualify for food stamps and a medical card. I know that it would be tough but there are also many charities that might be able to help. Might start with contacting a domestic violence shelter near you and seeing how they can help. Prayers.
I was on all assistance I could possibly get. Sec 8, disability, and food stamps. I ended up there for years. I backed out of this marriage 3 x. I saw the red flags. I chose not to pay attention. I’m terrified. He got himself a servant for a few years, and I think when he retires he’ll want to retire our relationship because I’m a financial drain. I will be SOL.
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
I have felt this terrified before, but now there seems nothing will soothe it. I have to get it together and go to a breast exam on my sister’s bday. It’s probably bad luck. I wish I could change my mood. Feelings. I understand people can change, but I think when it’s been engrained for 60 yrs it’s a challenge. And without proper help, I don’t know how to change my thoughts, my world. I can’t even cope without Valium. I’ve been on that since 17.

Maybe I could spend thousands if I wanted for yet another self-help improvement course. A couple weekends and you’ll have a new life. New attitude. New friends. Support and love. Dammit! Life was like that - until in fairly short order it was back on this track I’m on now. You pay for a high the group creates, the people who run it, and then it fades.

I’ve been in counseling and have seen every single type of psychiatric care people - from PhD to social workers, nurses, etc., you get the picture, for get this - 48 yrs. Steady diet - no breaks - it’s always been that bad - on medications of all kinds - in and out of addiction centers for alcohol, so many times in psychiatric care at the hospital. I started smoking dope when I was 11, my drinking was well underway by then. I knew how to relax. But I couldn’t always get my hands on it. My parents had no clue what any of us kids were doing. It was such a mess growing up. Such a mess.

Since 2001, I checked out of life completely, empty shell, just seeing shrinks, I was already pretty much of a recluse and then this COVID thing has completely got me on edge. I don’t want to go out. I like hiding behind a mask though. I don’t have to feel like I should smile, or engage as I had been taught. I can keep my mouth shut and not acknowledge people I think are cool. Keep to myself. Completely. I’m almost there anyway.

I need to write a will and don’t know where to start. Any suggestions? I’m overwhelmed. Thanks.
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
Well, we're here for you here until you can figure it out. Welcome to the site!
Thank you.

Hi sorry your having such a bad time. Welcome to the site. 😊
thank you.

I was on all assistance I could possibly get. Sec 8, disability, and food stamps. I ended up there for years. I backed out of this marriage 3 x. I saw the red flags. I chose not to pay attention. I’m terrified. He got himself a servant for a few years, and I think when he retires he’ll want to retire our relationship because I’m a financial drain. I will be SOL.
What infuriates me is he promised me things but was just lying. I don’t know what to do when he retires. I’m in a little bit of a mess.
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
I believe it’s called Gasliighting, the following story.

On a whim last summer I bought a hummingbird feeder. I was by myself, came home set it up and hung it. I bought another one and placed bright colors around, planted flowers that would attract them. I did it. We never discussed it one single time.

I hear him talk w his relatives or daughter about his hummingbirds, and of course he’s the expert on them - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. He has literally not touched the feeders, but not once has he ever mentioned that it is me who is doing all the work. I keep up with the feeders and plants.

Here’s the gaslighting:
He actually told me yesterday that it was his idea to get a feeder, to put bright colors around, what to plant, etc. I would put an exclamation point but if you’re really reading this there’s no need.

Someone clarify this for me please. IS THAT CALLED GASLIGHTING? Just an off the wall in his mind story that never happened. And he’s insisting this went on when I know there was no discussion except with myself when I bought it on sale on a whim.

He’s also an expert on my plants. I get told I’m ruining them when I cut them back, thin them out, or do anything with them. He knows only what I’ve told him about my plants. I’ve had plants of all kinds all my life. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut with information. Control freak. Suddenly he’s an expert - he’s like a puffer fish when he’s bragging about what he does that I am really responsible for.

And he knew I smoked pot before we got married. I’m supposed to stop. He can put me down about it now! And he has been since the ink was barely dry on the marriage certificate.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I know it seems that you have tried it all, sure sounds like it. There are domestic violence hotlines (not crisis) that can listen and help you make decisions on what you want to do. You said you have done the section 8 and assistance before. How was that? It would seem to be much better than being constantly under attack. I know people who do that and are successful at it. Its a starting point.

Often people make friends with their neighbors. Also, there is much support in attending groups, such as 12 step or others such as meditation. These are just suggestions and if they are not helpful, please disregard.
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
The hits just keep coming. Went in for breast exam yesterday. They phoned this morning and want me to go to the hospital for biopsy today. I’m out of my mind with fear. I am alone. Damn. I don’t have a husband I can call for support. The first time he’d say, “Well, I told you smoking dope was going to harm your health!” That’s what he’d say. So I stuff it and it’s written all over my face at times. His fit, his explosion 3 days ago is still w me. Even though I didn’t engage, I hear some of it. I sing (badly, lol) to drown him out. He’s not what has caused all my problems.

My problems started when my grandfather did what he did at 5-13yo. It changed me. I got fearful, lonely, shamed, isolated, and told by my mom to smile all the time. I was so full of secrets. Bad secrets. Shameful.

I found out recently that dirty old man got a 16 yr old niece pregnant before I was born and spent 2 yrs in prison. They allowed him to be around their daughters? He had a circuit. He visited all his little granddaughters during the summer and I know for a fact mine isn’t the only life he messed up.

One is probably dead from alcoholism. She came and visited me once and I couldn’t believe how messed up she was. Looking back, I was just as bad off as she was. I was taught to hide it all. I worked in the beauty business, so I looked better than I ever felt. High end salons with a couple of well known stylists you’ve heard of. I felt “less than” at both salons. I felt like everyone could see through me, see my insecurities, and what business did I have being in that environment? I had a hard time holding down jobs, therefore my SS is laughable.

I’m very scared, feel so alone and scattered. I’m paralyzed with fear and don’t even know how I’m going to drive there. 1/2 hr away.
 
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