Sufferer Paralyzed With Fear Most Of The Time, CSA, DV

Empty Shell

Confident
The hits just keep coming. Went in for breast exam yesterday. They phoned this morning and want me to go to the hospital for biopsy today. I’m out of my mind with fear. I am alone. Damn. I don’t have a husband I can call for support. The first time he’d say, “Well, I told you smoking dope was going to harm your health!” That’s what he’d say. So I stuff it and it’s written all over my face at times. His fit, his explosion 3 days ago is still w me. Even though I didn’t engage, I hear some of it. I sing (badly, lol) to drown him out. He’s not what has caused all my problems.

My problems started when my grandfather did what he did at 5-13yo. It changed me. I got fearful, lonely, shamed, isolated, and told by my mom to smile all the time. I was so full of secrets. Bad secrets. Shameful.

I found out recently that dirty old man got a 16 yr old niece pregnant before I was born and spent 2 yrs in prison. They allowed him to be around their daughters? He had a circuit. He visited all his little granddaughters during the summer and I know for a fact mine isn’t the only life he messed up.

One is probably dead from alcoholism. She came and visited me once and I couldn’t believe how messed up she was. Looking back, I was just as bad off as she was. I was taught to hide it all. I worked in the beauty business, so I looked better than I ever felt. High end salons with a couple of well known stylists you’ve heard of. I felt “less than” at both salons. I felt like everyone could see through me, see my insecurities, and what business did I have being in that environment? I had a hard time holding down jobs, therefore my SS is laughable.

I’m very scared, feel so alone and scattered. I’m paralyzed with fear and don’t even know how I’m going to drive there. 1/2 hr awa
I activated Crisis here and it was so supportive and wonderful. They have a lot of options and will help you find housing and services. I was so pleasantly surprised at how I was treated.
I have no job, not eligible for disability, they are taking 10% out of my monthly SS check for their mistake on overpayment. I just don’t see any silver lining. I have no income to speak of.

I activated Crisis here and it was so supportive and wonderful. They have a lot of options and will help you find housing and services. I was so pleasantly surprised at how I was treated.
I don’t exactly know what that means. But thank you
 

Empty Shell

Confident
Good news. All is well w new images. I had to leave the house early b c I was losing it. Panic sets in and it’s like a pit bull It doesn’t let go. Got some herb and wasted time and tried to breathe.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t exactly know what that means. But thank you
It means I called crisis, went to ER, and was set up with wonderful people who helped me a lot. They know the ins and outs of getting help. Maybe you can try again without saying you are suicidal with a plan, and they will be able to help you out of your situation.
 

Empty Shell

Confident
It means I called crisis, went to ER, and was set up with wonderful people who helped me a lot. They know the ins and outs of getting help. Maybe you can try again without saying you are suicidal with a plan, and they will be able to help you out of your situation.
I know, you can’t say you’re suicidal It all falls apart at that point. I don’t know why I’m hyper vigilant about him and his behavior towards me. I guess its the flip-out tantrum on Monday afternoon. It’s hard to like someone after being attacked and you know his entire attack is centered around making, keeping me feeling insecure, trapped, dependent. I’m a servant w a marriage license.

What blows my mind more is how the trajectory for my life was formed at the young age I was. Living a life full of so much fear I’d have to numb it away in one way or another, or several at the same time. My drug of choice? Anything you had.

I don’t normally cry in movies. There is one scene in Forrest Gump where Jenny and him walk up to the run-down shack she grew up in. I immediately flashed back to my childhood and the tears started flowing. When she was throwing rocks felt a little liberating, but it was a moment in time. I have never watched that movie without crying at that scene.

I don’t follow movie stars. Jenny in that movie paralleled my life in so many ways. It’s difficult to watch. Risky behavior, but having a safe place to fall (Gump) in my life. I didn’t have much respect for myself, and still don’t think I do.

I have wasted many years that could have been productive but I was busy going to therapy and taking copious amounts of pills to “fix me”. So desperate for so many years. I wasn’t there for my son. I’m filled with guilt. It’s time I’ll never get back. He was sobbing on my shoulder 4 yrs ago saying,”It’s not about stuff, it’s about the time that’s lost.” I would try to fill the void with gifts. I learned that at an early age as well.

My Mom knew what was going on. My dad gave him the green light on a trip to a park. The entire fam of 11 along w him, me crammed between my dad and him. Him doing what he wanted all the way home, in the dark. You could still see that going on. My dad couldn’t have NOT seen it. He saw it. Maybe he had the attitude I would simply forget because I was so young. I was the youngest daughter and think I became the main target.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I know, you can’t say you’re suicidal It all falls apart at that point.
I did say I was suicidal because I was. I just wanted to get across that if you haven't called a Crisis line lately, things may have changed.
It’s hard to like someone after being attacked and you know his entire attack is centered around making, keeping me feeling insecure, trapped, dependent. I’m a servant w a marriage license.
You've identified the cause of your trauma, how can you change it? If he's going to cut you off when he retires, it's best to make other arrangements now. By leaving you are saying you won't accept his abuse. I don't know of any other way of fixing it without you setting boundaries on his behaviors. He treats you badly and is abusive and nothing will change unless you do something to change it. It's horrible that it has nothing to do with your behavior, and you are the victim here, but he will continue. You have managed to survive abuse all your life, you are strong! You have what it takes to change your situation. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
 

Empty Shell

Confident
I did say I was suicidal because I was. I just wanted to get across that if you haven't called a Crisis line lately, things may have changed.

You've identified the cause of your trauma, how can you change it? If he's going to cut you off when he retires, it's best to make other arrangements now. By leaving you are saying you won't accept his abuse. I don't know of any other way of fixing it without you setting boundaries on his behaviors. He treats you badly and is abusive and nothing will change unless you do something to change it. It's horrible that it has nothing to do with your behavior, and you are the victim here, but he will continue. You have managed to survive abuse all your life, you are strong! You have what it takes to change your situation. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
That takes my breathe away. Terrified. I don’t know how to interact w people anymore. I don’t know what to do for money. I’m 65. It blows my mind I’ve wasted my life away. I just didn’t know.
 

Empty Shell

Confident
I would call it taking credit for other people’s work & ideas.

Which is it’s own sniveling/pompous/cowardly/arrogant brand of assholery.
I guess what I mean by gaslighting is trying to make me believe he had all these ideas even to what plants to put in!! Just not true! I let it go. I said a couple things like that he couldn’t really believe that. How could he remember something that never happened? And then I disengaged. He’s trying to upset me, get a reaction which would come across in anger because it’s so ridiculously bs, then he can attack. I had to laugh out loud. (Again, I bought the feeders on a whim - so when would we have discussed it?) It’s crazy making.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I know its hard to put aside, but what he says really doesn't matter. As DharmaGirl has pointed out is true. You are strong and will have to take the steps to take back your life. What he is showing you now is as good as it gets.....Time for you to make plans to escape this and I am betting that even though you haven't socialized in a long time and dont have any friends, that is something you can change as well.
 

Empty Shell

Confident
I don’t call myself a survivor.
I’m still just surviving.
I don’t know how one would be a survivor of ptsd.
I don’t know how to let go of the anger.
I lived exactly how I was taught.
I thought I most people were living like I was.
No, they were going to college, I was running.
I didn’t realize that until much later.
I realized I didn’t have a goal in my second yr of jr. college.
My counselor asked me what my goal was.
I was speechless. I had no specific goal and i was in college!

Yesterday my husband and I drove 2 hrs to see my son.
It’s his 25th birthday. I’m filled with guilt all the time.
I wasn’t there for him. He was taken from me when he was 5.
I gave up on life. I had no more money to fight with.
His dad had non consensual sex w me when I got pregnant.
He knew I wouldn’t report it. He laughed about it the next morn.

That’s who’s baby I had. I don’t think much of myself.
His little promise of getting therapy, making it work, blah, blah, blah....
I had the baby. My son is very nice, but I wish we were close.
There is a wall of (suspiciousness?) between us from his side I feel anyway.
His dad knew how to play me, and I try to forget all the things he did.
I tend to blame myself for most things. It isn’t until I can recall why reached that point.

They like to make you feel crazy, and even more I think, to LOOK crazy to outsiders.
Being quiet in their attack while out in public would evoke a loud surprised response from me.
People not knowing the real story because all they see is a crazy woman. Reacting.
And him sitting there, very stoic, ignoring me like I wasn’t going off. No response. ‘Sane’.

Yep, I’m still surviving. I’m getting a little more aware as time goes on. Too bad it’s so late in life.
It’s tough to live a life full of regrets. And that’s what you have when you’ve been running.
I have to believe it will get better.
 

Empty Shell

Confident
I know its hard to put aside, but what he says really doesn't matter. As DharmaGirl has pointed out is true. You are strong and will have to take the steps to take back your life. What he is showing you now is as good as it gets.....Time for you to make plans to escape this and I am betting that even though you haven't socialized in a long time and dont have any friends, that is something you can change as well.
The woman at the social security office told me not to divorce my husband. She was looking at my financial situation which is so bad. There is no money coming in. I was unable to put enough credits together through my working years. I had countless jobs, all of them short-lived. I don’t play well with others. I don’t mean to be that way, but I get suspicious, think I’m going to get fired so quit in a horrible way. Always. I don’t know why it was that way. I had no self-esteem. I’m still the same person, even after the years and years of therapy. I remember being so nervous going to big social events I would feel like I was going to faint. I’d have to have a couple drinks to work up the courage. I don’t know how to socialize anymore. I don’t know what to do exactly. I don’t do anything other than this on social media. I don’t trust it.
 

Empty Shell

Confident
I notice I’m not so great at delivering good news. The test went fine. I would advise asking your doctor about getting mammogram after your vaccines. If I knew what I know now I would have had it done first, or waited. I fortunately didn’t have to have ultrasound. Money I’m talking money here for extra tests.

He was paying bills (which he keeps me out of) and I noticed a pile of the copies in his checkbook torn out in a pile, then he put something on it. I looked and it was copies of every month’s expense. I asked him why he needed that and he said something about keeping track. I didn’t ask anymore of course, because I don’t do that. I was trained a certain way and he knows the way I tick. I’m just like his first wife in so many ways.

This is a huge threat, him keeping track like I cost too much. Well, maybe when he retires he won’t need a maid anymore. I haven’t worked since a job from hell in 2001, and it puts terror in the pit of my stomach to think of it. I don’t have a clue what to do. I’m trying to get creative - you know - like I used to be before my life finally caved in and I gave up after that job. I was numb. I did nothing. All those years, and I’m paying the price now. I’m so dependent on him just like many before him. But the stakes weren’t so high. I had more years too. I didn’t realize they were flying by and my life was going nowhere.

I didn’t get the memo on retirement. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was running little job to little job, a few years to be proud of but few overall. I never made a lot of money. I never strung enough years together for disability and I need it desperately. I didn’t get the memos on many things in life. I thought I was living like everyone else. How could I not see it? I was a rather poor girl hanging out with some men with a lot of money. At the time I didn’t see it that way!!

I only “woke up” April 2017 and really wrapped my mind around this PTSD thing. And for the next 3 yrs I dealt with being without the medications (all psych stuff) I’d been on for (swear to God) 45+ Yrs. Yeah, this new wanna-be shrink decided I didn’t need this, or that, or this or that. I was an absolute crazy woman. Breaking down everywhere I went. Crying everywhere in front on anyone. It would hit in waves. And I had no medication to help me. This was heavy duty for three years, and on top of everything else had him bullying and yelling and torturing me w anything personal I’d shared with him earlier.

I have no idea whatsoever how to use this site. If there is someone you can chat with, or whatever. I usually don’t waiver and keep doing the same thing over and over, so I’m having a long introduction here.

So what’s new. I’ve never been able to keep it short. I used to have a friend who’d edit my writings and make them sound so intelligent. I burned her out. She actually pulled up roots and moved to the other coast.

He met a couple of my friends right after we got married. He managed to make it very uncomfortable - had to pull politics in there of course - he knew what he was doing so it was awkward. We never went back as a couple and I’m so embarrassed I married someone who treats me the way he does. And they know it. They know the reasoning behind it.

The other he flipped out on and told them a better way to get to their house even though they’d lived there 30 years. He was picking up something for me because I was sick. So he took care of that one. Her husband told her that “he’s not my kind of guy.”

I have no friends left.

I need to be careful who I call because they like to bust down doors and stuff around here. Save the world one woman at a time.

TRUE STORY:
My doorbell rang at 8pm and there was a couple cops there ‘checking up on my welfare’. What? How weird is this I’m thinking.

I’d been on the phone and email with eBay and the seller for four hours that morning. From 8 - 12pm. It was a little bit of hell on earth. At some point I must have said “Oh, just shoot me.” Which I’ve said one million times in my life.

eBay called the local police at some point during the morning calls, or after high noon and told them I was suicidal.

So the Police show up 8 hours after I would have taken my life to check on my welfare.

Note To Self: Filter!!!!
 
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