Paranoia From Hypervigilance

[bluedaydream]

I think this goes here.. since technically it is a symptom of anxiety?

My question is about hypervigilance causing paranoia (or vice versa). I am struggling a lot with paranoia/self protection from perceived threats that may have no basis in reality.

I am compliant with medication, therapy etc. In a long-term relationship with someone who I routinely accuse of being a narcissist. They outright deny it and say they love and are trying to support me. Yet I am still being triggered, in the same way, over and over again.

When I am stable (non-paranoid), I can recognize that my accusations have little basis in reality and although my feelings are valid, the level of catastrophizing that happens is extreme.

What are my delusions? People trying to rob me of my identity/diffuse my boundaries. This is rooted in trauma, it was done to me in a very deliberate and systematic way as a child (and in abusive relationships as an adult). It doesn't matter if the person has the best intentions, is trying to take an interest in what I enjoy to become closer to me, etc. In my mind, in those moments, the person is trying to destroy me.

This paranoia is a recurrent theme in my life that can't be controlled by medication, therapy, trust, etc.

I don't know what to do and I am tired of second guessing myself. In recovery, we are taught to trust our "gut instincts" but what if our meter is off? So exhausted from the push-pull of PTSD and how it is affecting my relationships and friendships. Any insight would be extremely helpful because I am at a loss at this point.

Thank you!

 

[DogwoodTree]

It doesn't matter if the person has the best intentions, is trying to take an interest in what I enjoy to become closer to me, etc. In my mind, in those moments, the person is trying to destroy me.

In recovery, we are taught to trust our "gut instincts" but what if our meter is off?

Not sure this is really an "answer" for you, so much as just my musing on the issue.

I can really relate to what you're saying here. There's the roller coaster of thoughts/instincts/emotions, and it's really hard to tell, sometimes, which way is up.

So what has been helping me a little, is to try to see the bigger picture about each person individually in my life. Because some people are "safer" than others.

Take my DH. Sometimes I think he's even more shut down than I am, or he's selfishly just trying to get sex all the time, or guilt-tripping me about all of this. But other times, when I recognize that I'm in a stabler frame of mind, I recognize that he's actually very loving and patient, and it's amazing he's still with me. It says a lot about his character.

So which one is true? It's really hard to tell sometimes. But over time, as I step back from the roller coaster and watch the extremes of ups and downs...and realize that reality is somewhere in the middle...I try to see where this one person (my DH) falls on the spectrum of "good for me" or "bad for me"..."safe to trust" or "not safe." And then once I determine his overall status, I try to normalize my filter for my perceptions about him based on what I've concluded about him before I started feeling crappy today...or over-reacting to something stupid...or whatever.

I've done the same thing with my T. There are times I've thought he was the most callous person, or that he is completely burnt out on me, or that he just has no freakin' clue what he's doing. But there are other times I've been amazed at the ingenuity of an insight he's offered, or been humbled and comforted by his patience with me, or been encouraged by his dedication to helping me through. Which one is true?

Over the course of time, I've come to the conclusion that, overall, he's a trustworthy person. So if I perceive an offense or whatever from him, it's most likely my skewed filter at work. I've determined he's a safe person to trust, even when I don't understand why he's acted in a certain way or said a certain something. And in his case, he's even safe enough that I can ask him about it, which is an extremely unusual experience for me.

And then there are people like my mom. Sometimes I feel like I want to trust her with everything I've got, and that she is surely capable of being the supportive and insightful and loving mom she claims to be. But other times I've been so deeply betrayed by her actions or words. With her, I've come to the conclusion that she is not safe. I love her, and I've not cut off contact with her, and don't want to. But I don't trust her at all. I keep her in one of my outer-intimacy circles, rather than letting her close anymore. When she does something nice, I appreciate the gesture, but I remind myself that I can't trust her. That way, when she does something neurotic, I'm not taken so much by surprise, and not thrown for a loop so easily.

For all of these, it's taken a lot of observation over a very long period of time, and there are times when my "gut" is screaming, "Get away from this person! They're dangerous!!", about a safe person. Or when my gut is begging, "Please let's trust this person, just this once. They're being so nice!!!", about someone who has repeatedly proven themselves unsafe. Like you said, the meter is off. But sometimes it's not. If I can figure out when it's being fairly accurate, and use that information to help recalibrate my meter when it gets skewed at other times...then I'm still "trusting my gut instinct", but only at the times when it's giving me accurate feedback based on what my mind knows to be true about specific people.

For me, the key has been to realize two things: 1) my gut is right sometimes, but not all the time, and 2) I can't generalize what I know about one person to anyone else. Each person has to be figured out individually.

And then there are times when, what my gut is telling me...I'm simply misinterpreting the response needed. Sometimes, the person who is reaching out to me might be perfectly safe and not doing anything wrong at all...but what I need at that time, is something else entirely. So if someone safe is reaching out for conversation, but I desperately need some alone time right then...I might interpret my gut's "get away" feedback as an indication that there's something wrong with the other person, when really the "get away" message is simply saying, "this is not the right thing for me right now...but maybe later."

 

[Friday]

I am compliant with medication, therapy etc. In a long-term relationship with someone who I routinely accuse of being a narcissist. They outright deny it and say they love and are trying to support me. Yet I am still being triggered, in the same way, over and over again.

I'm getting the feeling that you believe that if they did love you, you wouldn't be triggered? Am I correct in thinking that?

 

[Suzetig]

@DogwoodTree, that's so helpful - this is something I struggle with so much but what you've written makes sense to me, thanks.

 

[bluedaydream]

this is not the right thing for me right now...but maybe later.

This is actually something I've never considered. I have a hard time articulating my needs during the moment (I tend to be a slow responder to everything in general when my lizard brain isn't in control) and my go-to for being overwhelmed is shutting down. This has been extremely helpful, thank you! :)

I'm getting the feeling that you believe that if they did love you, you wouldn't be triggered...

Yeah, this is how I'm thinking. I know this person loves me, but my triggers are so specific. We've talked about them in detail and the person continues to do the triggering thing, citing that "nobody changes overnight". So by them not ceasing the behaviour, it sends a message to my brain that they actually don't give a sh*t about my mental health. And that is a red flag for me! I don't think this person is bad, but they also make excuses as to why they are entitled to do what they want (regardless of the consequences - which often involve me lashing out and then them blaming me for being triggered). Again I do know this person loves me, but if you don't want to hurt someone you love, don't do THE THING?