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Relationship Partner acting distant after short getaway together

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Hi everyone.

SO and I went away 2 days ago for a short getaway. It was his suggestion. He said he felt he needed to change environment. As far as I can understand, his current environment reminds him a lot of his trauma and he often says he needs a break from it.

He started therapy about 2 months ago and has increasingly been feeling worse. Before therapy he wanted to work on our relationship but since his sessions, that will has become less and less. He says he can’t cope with a relationship and that he does not feel anything what so ever. He says this is unfair on me and he does not want to lead me on. He says at times that I should just move on because he does not think him and I will make it.

When we went away together he was affectionate in some ways, he would hold my hand, he held me when we were asleep, he did refer to me as his ’partner’ on some occasions. I did not discuss our relationship at all, I didn’t ask anything or mention anything as it puts stress on him.

However, since we’ve been away he’s been extremely distant. I don’t know if this is because we spent more time together than we have for ages, and it put stress on him?

We’re in a distance relationship (45 min), so we don’t always get to spend loads of time together. He has since therapy also been reluctant to spend time together as he feels he is ‘leading me on’ and doesn’t want me to fall deeper in love and then get hurt. I’ve told him he doesn’t have to worry, I’m a grown woman and I can take care of myself.

He is pulling away from me, usually he will ring me atleast once in a day. That hasn’t happened since we went away together.

I know none of you really know him, but he does have PTSD, and maybe someone would be able to explain why he is distant after our trip?
I am asking because, we actually had a pretty good time and it was just easy and casual. We enjoyed each other’s company and didn’t discuss the relationship so I didn’t expect him to pull away.

I’m also wondering if I should reach out if he is being distant? Part of me think that maybe he wants me to be more communicative. I tend to just leave him alone when he does this because from what I know about PTSD is that people sometimes because distant and it’s better to just leave them alone. It does hurt when he becomes like this though, because I know he’s spending time with friends and chatting lots to friends so he’s OK with them and not me.

Thank you everyone for any insight.
 
I could see him pulling away and needing a little space after a trip away together. He just put in a ton of effort, he may need a little recovery time.

The trip was relaxing and enjoyable for you. For him, probably not so much. Even a trip that is enjoyable is a ton of effort for them. It's work. This is the fallout.

I know it's really hard not to take it personally, but that's the point you have to get to emotionally if you want it to work. I know you say you're OK with just being casual and not having expectations with the relationship, but it seems like you're really struggling with being casual and not having expectations. You honestly have to be OK with not talking to him everyday. You have to get to the point where it doesn't hurt your feelings. Easier said than done, right?

It's a process. You'll eventually learn this isn't about you. This is how his PTSD works. That's when you'll relax. I know we keep telling you the same thing, but honestly it's the truth. A lot of us have "been there done that". You have to really, truly, 100% honestly be OK with a casual relationship with no expectations or timelines.

It's also OK to decide a relationship like this is not for you.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time now. I know it sucks to have your partner pull back after a romantic weekend just when you're feeling close to them.
 
A lot of us have "been there done that". You have to really, truly, 100% honestly be OK with a casual relationship with no expectations or timelines.

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD to add to Sweetpea76 quote, this applies to committed relationships also. I’m married and asked the same questions you are asking for so many years. It took me a while to get to that point that @Sweetpea76 tells you about not taking it personally. I fought that concept for a long time because I believed it was personal.

When I was able to let go of expectations and timelines, my stress level dropped to a quiet calmness and my life became easier.

Take care of you :hug:
 
@Snowflakes big hugs and thank you.

It’s very hard not to take it personally. To be honest and this is hard to admit; my biggest fear is... ITS ME! I am the problem!

It’s harder because my SO is very new to PTSD and doesn’t quite understand it. I know he is emotionally numb atm, but he genuinely seems to think that something or someone can come along and fix all the pain and suffering and make him whole again.

I’ve managed to be casual and so calm many times before but he seems to be giving up at even trying to fix us at the moment. I’ve mention in other posts that it’s after he’s been going therapy and his therapist actually told him not to focus on relationships right now. I do respect this. I’m just scared that one day he is just going to leave. He’s stopped fighting for us recently as much and as much as I understand it, I fear it too. Hope any of that makes sense
 
he genuinely seems to think that something or someone can come along and fix all the pain and suffering and make him whole again.

That someone will be himself. This is what he and his therapist are working on.

his therapist actually told him not to focus on relationships right now

His therapist is correct. My sufferers therapist tells her the same thing. My sufferers job is to work on herself, not us. I understand that and, although I try to be a good supporter, that often means staying out of the way as she and her therapist work through this.

I’m just scared that one day he is just going to leave.

That may happen; it also happens in relationships that do not involve PTSD. It’s life.

Hope any of that makes sense

Everything you write makes sense. You aren’t traveling this road alone. Many of us have been there and done that. We are here to help each other. Take care of you.
 
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