Relationship partner of 1 year with cptsd/bpd has cut contact suddenly, wants to leave country to heal.

Hello... I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm so upset and unsure what is happening...

..I don't know if my partner is isolating, split me, or has finished with me, and I don't know whether to try and reach out, leave him alone for longer, or accept this is over.

In the summer, he had injured himself which resurfaced old traumas. He was diagnosed with cptsd 20 years ago, but had been able to mask his pain, until this point. H e started (f2f and group.) therapy and during the sessions was also then diagnosed with bpd.

It all seemed to be going well, and he started to be able to manage his emotions better.. However, as his pain also manifested physically, and affected his libido, we hadn't been 'intimate' since he started therapy.. Even tho up to this point we used to have an amazing sex life, him being unable to, wasn't a deal breaker for me. We still enjoyed being with each other and was still very tactile.

After the bpd diagnoses, he seemed to want to run away from it all. He stopped group therapy, and for a few weeks only conversed with his therapist via email.

He decided that he would remove some of the stresses from his life (which is his properties) and started putting them on the market.
One of these properties was abroad. He flew out to have a bit of relaxation , prepare the villa and to list it for sale.

This is when things changed.

He was gone 4 weeks. During this time he had no therapy. We spoke daily, via txt, phone calls and video calls. He told me how much he missed me, and how much I mean to him etc etc... He looked so much healthier, and happier and I felt that so much weight had been lifted off of him. It was all very positive

2 weeks ago, his friend - who he classes as like his son /best mate /brother stayed with him. One late eve, he had rang me and the call had dropped a few times, which was usual. When It connected, he then declined the call. I sent a txt saying he declined, and does he not want to speak now.. The intention was that if he didn't, we'd speak next day. No biggie.. He rang back.
In that 3 minutes he had completely de regulated. He completely shouted at me, blaming me for something his friend had done and that I'm the cause of his stress...
As I understood he was having a trauma response, I calmly said, that I haven't done anything wrong, and that I don't deserve for him to shout at me, so I was going to put the phone down and we can speak tomorrow and wished him goodnight, and hung up.

He txt back saying - perfect. Bye... he then blocked me on all social media. .
Two days later he unblocked me, Nd hours later sent me a link for the villa.
I responded saying he had done a great job and that it looked amazing.

The next eve, after no communication, I explained what had happened when he was de regulated (he doesn't ever seem to know what is said or done during these times,) and that by me hanging up, I wasn't abandoning him, but just removing myself from the situation.

Things seemed to be back to normal after that..we had conversations about how much he missed me/couldnt wait to get back home / looking forward for us to be back together etc etc..

Rememberance Sunday was our last hour face time (he's a vet) before he flew home the following Wed, but the loving voicenotes, and messages continued right up till his flight.
Two days later ( last Fri) he then told me that he felt so much better when he was away, and he wants more of it. Although he doesn't want anyone other than me, etc etc, he decided that he's going to go to Australia in the new year indefinitely, so he can heal. He doesn't want to spend a winter here, he wants to forget all his stress and as he is financially secure he can afford to just do what he wants.

His plan is to stay with his aforementioned mate who is Australian, and then visit other friends that he had from when he lived there 10 years ago. He said the world isn't so big anymore and we can still communicate, and he def will be back, but doesn't want to commit to a time line of him returning. He reasoned that if he was still in the forces, he could get deployed for months with hardly any contact.. He said because we wernt intimate before he left it wasn't a relationship really in that period of time - just stolen moments. He felt like he doesn't bring value to me as a partner, and he felt useless when I had a problem as he was so far away.... Yet He wants to spoil me on my 50th at Xmas and still do stuff we had talked about till he goes.

After the phone call, I txt to apologise if I didn't seem as supportive as I should have, and I understand that his mental health does take priority. We then arranged to speak in depth in a few days.

After the shock,and no in depth chat or communication ,..Two days later, I emailed him (rather than a long txt on a phone) and explained that I needed him to give an estimate of his return if he wanted us to still work. If its 6 months etc I can wait, but Indefinitely, I couldn't as I have needs in a relationship too. II reiterated that I support him and his healing and I was not abandoning him in any way but I thought that it shouldn't have to be a choice of hm either healing or us being together. He can still take time out when needed, but by taking smaller periods away we continue working together to get him better as a couple while still having all our future plans.

He then deleted me off off his contacts in his phone and all social media.. He's gone from a mini ghosting when he's overwhelmed to massively reacting and (from what it seems,) removing me from his whole life. He seems to be very chatty and active elsewhere.. Just not with me.

I don't want to trigger him more by trying to contact him if he's not ready to speak. , or will by not trying to reach out like I normally do after a period of time , will that make his abandonment issues worse and exacerbate things?

I'm aware time isn't on my side as he says he will be leaving in around a month. It could be earlier as he may feel he hasn't anything to stick around here for now....and he will def go.. Once he sets his mind on something he commits no matter what.
I have stuff at his house I need to collect before he takes off, so if we don't start speaking, how do I navigate getting that back, especially as I'm not able to do that by phone.
.
Im so upset and unsure where to go from here, as its been so unexpected..
I've never experienced this before. .

It's been a week today since he said all this and. I just don't know what to think, do, feel or how to proceed without possibly my heart breaking or causing irreparable damage to us or upsetting him more. ....
I've had so much help from this site before with learning about his diagnosis and feelings , so I was wondering Is there any advice anyone can give me again please. Thanks x.
 

void

MyPTSD Pro
@Birdhouseinmysoul

I'm sry to hear what both you and he are experiencing. It sounds like both of you are suffering, though in different ways.

Your description of him sounds consistent with a BPD/PTSD diagnosis, though naturally every case will manifest differently dependent on a host of different variables. Any human with a past sufficiently traumatic/chaotic to cause BPD/PTSD is going to have tremendous difficulty maintaining stable long-term relationships of the kind you two were attempting.

I encourage you to stick to the boundaries you've set and to CYA in terms of personal property, etc... It is good that you are seeking support to help yourself through this confusing stressful experience.

You are welcome to keep us posted, if you find that to be helpful.

I wish you peace.
 
@Birdhouseinmysoul

I'm sry to hear what both you and he are experiencing. It sounds like both of you are suffering, though in different ways.

Your description of him sounds consistent with a BPD/PTSD diagnosis, though naturally every case will manifest differently dependent on a host of different variables. Any human with a past sufficiently traumatic/chaotic to cause BPD/PTSD is going to have tremendous difficulty maintaining stable long-term relationships of the kind you two were attempting.

I encourage you to stick to the boundaries you've set and to CYA in terms of personal property, etc... It is good that you are seeking support to help yourself through this confusing stressful experience.

You are welcome to keep us posted, if you find that to be helpful.

I wish you peace.
Thank you @void.. So there has been developments.. I had reached out to him, and he seemed very excited and happy to hear from me. E. He had a friend stay, so we spoke a lot via txts.. He was still speaking to me like nothing had changed between us.. So it was a few mixed signals.. Anyway he told me yesterday that basically he wants to leave to travel the amazon., he doesn't want to be with me as long distance doesn't work or that he said he has never said he loves me.. When I said I know why he would not say thar ( previous abuse and the word means nothing to him).. But he said when he was awy he realised he's not committed to me and that I shouldn't think of all the things he's said in the past to me - even though it's been right up to when he got back). He wants to go heal, be selfish and just leave. He wants me in his life by staying friends but he wants to do what he wants when he wants to. I've always said he could anyway, but then he changes the narrative of a previous conversation to back his thoughts. when he was away, he said I kmianrd that he was gone a month which wasn't true as I encouraged him to say and relax and didnt expect him back for longer. Anyway I think he's totally pushed away his feelings for me so he can leave. I've said I'm unsure if u can stay friends as its too hurtful if he meets and has relations with other women. Just because he flips a switch I can't swith my emotions off for him. So today which is our anniversary, I'm going to his to collect my stuff as this is the end. I can't make someone remember my worth or how they feel. I have to take him at his word that he doesn't care. . So yeah heart is broken, but I can't fight for something on my own.. I really appreciate your words, as I really needed that right now. X
 
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