HealingMama
MyPTSD Pro
Hi again. Surprise surprise, I'm wondering if I should divorce my husband. I've asked him to go with me next week to finish the paperwork. Where we live, you file but can't do the last steps til you have lived apart for a year. So, this would not be a final, permanent action. We would have plenty of time to consider the choice we are making.
I am unsure whether my partner's presence in my life as a partner will help or hinder my recovery. My new therapist told me what I am experiencing with him (him not working, the threat of legal issues, and our communication/conflict/attachment dynamic) is an active trauma so we likely can't work on the original issues until that is stable. I have little control over whether he has a job. I have no control whatsoever on his legal problems and the ways they can or will affect the rest of us. I do have a fair amount of influence over the emotional aspects of the relationship BUT I have been doing absolutely everything possible to address that over many months and it has caused very little movement on his end in the direction I need for my recovery and for the relationship to feel like a source of stability and nourishment vs land mines and chaos.
(That was getting a lot better in recent weeks but there was a regression that I took surprisingly hard. He finds it impossible to maintain stability for the both of us, and is a very reactive person by nature vs someone who can hold steady while I am going through something. If I get worked up he just joins me vs co-regulating. Or he disappears until it's over despite knowing that this makes things worse. He says he learned nothing he does can help and that is why he disappears altogether, but I've told him for at least a year now those things he used to do would actually help now but he won't do them.)
He is good about helping with chores and parenting. He will take over the parenting and other essentials basically entirely if I am having a bad mental health day or bad autoimmune day. He's even stepped up recently on executive functioning type of tasks as when I had that last episode I really couldn't think for several days. So, if we stay as-is, I will have that type of support.
But the emotional/attachment/communication piece will continue to be inflammatory. He says he's working on it but I don't see how. He stopped going to therapy. He doesn't read about any of our issues to understand better how he is adding to them or what he could do to help them. He doesn't remember to do the stuff I've asked him to do that would avoid escalating things. He definitely thinks our issues are mostly my fault. He was so kind to me about starting therapy again and acted surprised when I told him my therapist thinks your unemployment is causing too much stress for me to work on myself. Like hello, he knows about Maslow's hierarchy.
My relationship has been my major source of stress and triggering since... Well since we got married almost. Sometimes I wonder am I basically normal except for being in such a stressful relationship? (Probably not, I still have dissociative issues etc) But I also know how hard it is to work through trauma triggers if your regular life provides no opportunity for the buttons to get pushed. If we separate I won't be seeking another relationship any time soon, and I refuse to allow my parent-child relationship to be used for working through my personal triggers.
I guess I'm looking for opinions on whether a person with attachment trauma in a relationship with a person who is unable to be intentional with their behavior is better served to work on their issues outside of that relationship.
Last time I attempted EMDR and parts work, my protector part came out and was difficult towards the therapist and towards my husband and my marriage took a lot of blows from that. My protector mostly tolerates my husband now. But I'm not stirring up all the "close people are dangerous" stuff either. And, my husband stopped trying to actively show emotional care. For all I know my protector will come out at him if he starts actively showing that care again.
Sorry this is so long. I just know with my history it is hard to trust my own judgment about whether a choice I am making is healthy for me or coming from very clever and well hidden parts of myself. Thanks for any thoughts.
I am unsure whether my partner's presence in my life as a partner will help or hinder my recovery. My new therapist told me what I am experiencing with him (him not working, the threat of legal issues, and our communication/conflict/attachment dynamic) is an active trauma so we likely can't work on the original issues until that is stable. I have little control over whether he has a job. I have no control whatsoever on his legal problems and the ways they can or will affect the rest of us. I do have a fair amount of influence over the emotional aspects of the relationship BUT I have been doing absolutely everything possible to address that over many months and it has caused very little movement on his end in the direction I need for my recovery and for the relationship to feel like a source of stability and nourishment vs land mines and chaos.
(That was getting a lot better in recent weeks but there was a regression that I took surprisingly hard. He finds it impossible to maintain stability for the both of us, and is a very reactive person by nature vs someone who can hold steady while I am going through something. If I get worked up he just joins me vs co-regulating. Or he disappears until it's over despite knowing that this makes things worse. He says he learned nothing he does can help and that is why he disappears altogether, but I've told him for at least a year now those things he used to do would actually help now but he won't do them.)
He is good about helping with chores and parenting. He will take over the parenting and other essentials basically entirely if I am having a bad mental health day or bad autoimmune day. He's even stepped up recently on executive functioning type of tasks as when I had that last episode I really couldn't think for several days. So, if we stay as-is, I will have that type of support.
But the emotional/attachment/communication piece will continue to be inflammatory. He says he's working on it but I don't see how. He stopped going to therapy. He doesn't read about any of our issues to understand better how he is adding to them or what he could do to help them. He doesn't remember to do the stuff I've asked him to do that would avoid escalating things. He definitely thinks our issues are mostly my fault. He was so kind to me about starting therapy again and acted surprised when I told him my therapist thinks your unemployment is causing too much stress for me to work on myself. Like hello, he knows about Maslow's hierarchy.
My relationship has been my major source of stress and triggering since... Well since we got married almost. Sometimes I wonder am I basically normal except for being in such a stressful relationship? (Probably not, I still have dissociative issues etc) But I also know how hard it is to work through trauma triggers if your regular life provides no opportunity for the buttons to get pushed. If we separate I won't be seeking another relationship any time soon, and I refuse to allow my parent-child relationship to be used for working through my personal triggers.
I guess I'm looking for opinions on whether a person with attachment trauma in a relationship with a person who is unable to be intentional with their behavior is better served to work on their issues outside of that relationship.
Last time I attempted EMDR and parts work, my protector part came out and was difficult towards the therapist and towards my husband and my marriage took a lot of blows from that. My protector mostly tolerates my husband now. But I'm not stirring up all the "close people are dangerous" stuff either. And, my husband stopped trying to actively show emotional care. For all I know my protector will come out at him if he starts actively showing that care again.
Sorry this is so long. I just know with my history it is hard to trust my own judgment about whether a choice I am making is healthy for me or coming from very clever and well hidden parts of myself. Thanks for any thoughts.
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