Past brought back to life

[WorldWanderer]

Okay, so, i've had 2 dads, lucky me, right?
Dad 1 is my birth father, vanished when i was 6 or so. Mum re married (Paternal g'ma took the place of her son, and in time also my mum as her new partner changed her)
Both my mum and her new parther were abusive, their treatment of me was described by my T as ''torterous'' ''something from a POW camp''
My grandparents became my parents, they were aware of most of the issues at home, but i didn't tell them everything for fear they'd get protective and make it worse at home.

In the last few weeks my nana passed away and i'm now caring for granded full time.

To add to all of this my estranged father has magically reappeared, and while clearing nan and grandad's home i've come across images of me as a child.

All positive, nothing sinister, i don't mean anything ike that. But i look at the pics of me as a child, loving life, and as my time line grows i see myself become more pale, bags under eyes, weight drop.
Toddler years i look quite well, but as i age i seem to look more ill, and it kind of makes sense why i can't remember these years in full, i was put through things no teenager ever should.

I know i dissociated a lot growing up and it's my go to, as a result.

But how do i reconnect to the me in the pictures? How do i feel something towards the man who abandoned me and suddenly came back?

I feel like i'm automatically shutting down anything that comes up, but i don't want to. I now have pictures of a part of my life i can't remember, and i'd really llike to reconnect to that little girl. I've grown into the person she needed as a child and i want her to know that.
I don't want to keep feeling disconnected

 

[enough]

I have had a lot of good help come my way through a good book and other offerings from the author. I started by reading Rejected shamed and blamed by Rebecca Mandeville. Lots of unique ways our caregivers hurt us, it might not fit you and yours as well as it fit me and mine. But I totally get being the person our younger selves should have had in their corner. That we share.

It gets better, but only because it was so bad and we sought for it to be better. The older I get the better I get but that kid went through hell. Would I settle for smooth sailing through life with no appreciation for how good it is now in comparison to how bad it was? YES. But this is what I got and I definitely have learned to enjoy how much better the life I made for myself is than the one my caregivers set me up for. F#^K them, if there is a hell it is for them, not us.

 

[Movingforward10]

I've grown into the person she needed as a child and i want her to know that.

This is so beautiful to read. That you have become that person and you are aware of it. That you have compassion for younger you. Lovely.

The ways I connected were:
Visualisations and tactile things.
My old T reminded me that if I am trying to communicate with younger me with words, the younger me might actually be at an age where they aren't cognitively developed enough for words. So try different forms of communication.
.I did a few visualisations of adult me coming in to intervene for younger me at various points. And what that would have felt like. But then, adult me had to give child me back to the situation. And what that felt like.
It was painful. But helpful.

And then tactile things: stroking myself helped. Or doing activities that little me might have liked, which was swimming and running.

You're going through a lot at the moment. It's no wonder all this is coming up. But with your statement that you are the adult little you needed: you got this.

 

[Qatricia]

I've been just this summer getting stronger by attending Recovery Group Meetings and reading Addiction and Codependency Books. Working on My Recovery is working! The process makes you go through a lot of feelings, while you understand your past. I highly recommend the support. I appreciate you sharing your journey with us. I relate to it because it helps my understanding of what my husband's been through, and how he struggles with his health/nutrition because of it. Trying to reduce stress helps and will make progress noticeable. Best Wishes to you on your recovery.

 

[missinlife]

I did that wrong,.. sorry I'm new something similar-situation where I have a lawyer who has the same name as a very dear friend that supposedly killed himself..or was presumed to, because he had PTSD due a sexual assault by another male. We bonded over our wounds and supported each other and he died falling off a cliff. The man sounds identical also and similar height . My friend died 10 years ago. A week before I met him an officer coincidentally approached me and said,"Someone called concerned I was dead in my car (that parts kind of funny by itself ) I was sitting in my car 3 days while it was broken down waiting for my brother for repairs because I was by work and could still get to work and homeless living in my car anyway. He said-"I'm glad you’re not dead". Then I met my lawyer with my dead friends name.

Thus triggered, but working on an essay that has been helpful. This is not the first time the same named people confused me leading to obscure thoughts. I ran away as a child and a man who worked in arms for the Kennedy administration rescued me from traffickers at 15 as I was living n the street a short time.

That however is slightly besides the point I began to kind of feel some infatuation with this man because I want my friend to be alive . He was the longest friendship I had since my divorce and maybe in my life. He also had a habbit of appearing when I was in the most dire situations and making it better even if just by his company. I knew he cared for me and now I am left with nothing.. beyond that part of my brain wants to fuel a dillusoin based on experiences or personal statements contacts as every work every spoken bounses around my head echoing in what seems like my present empty state. I can't let go- here imagining it was him trying to be quirky and romantic in some twisted way. His voice his laugh..its identical its hard not to hope that its him, and I almost can't convince myself its not without seeing pictures so i want to find pictures of the Lawyer to stare at. But ther eare none and I fall into a state thinking its him. (I mentioned it as being a conflict of interest but I am starting to get a crush on the person) thats likely not a good thing to do. Reality is I get really lonely and can spend hours in tears.

I felt it related to the original post in that I am stuck in the past, where as it seemed the original poster isn't but wants to be and maybe being present is ok vs deluded