Childhood Paternal Trauma and Sexual Arrousal

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Reading some of ya'lls posts about "Body Memories" has helped me feel more validated in my experience. I have childhood trauma that circles around themes of "intrusion," "invasion," "violation." I was homeschooled from kindergarten in a very strict and religious household, and I was the only one in the house out of my mother and three brothers who suffered from my father and his substance abuse. Two of my three brothers have experienced their own forms of trauma surrounding our upbringing, but I seem to be the only one who was a first hand witness to the substance abuse and subsequent harassment. My dad would do things like get high and follow me around the house to sprinkle "magic water" down my neck. He would come into my bedroom in the middle of the night wearing only his underwear at night while he was either high or sleepwalking or both and say things that didn't make sense to me and mess around with the things in my room. I don't have any memories of sexual abuse, but as I am getting older I'm starting to realize and accept the fact that there was indirect sexuality towards me, and maybe even some direct sexual abuse that I had written off and repressed.

Even before realizing this, however, I do know that in the midst of all of this repeated trauma and building resentment/hatred towards my father, I was at the age where children sometimes start to explore their own sexuality and body. Also, because I was a sufferer of OCD from a young age, intrusive images and thoughts were a thing while trying to masturbate through the years of living at home (my lack of privacy was also a concern).

Nighttime is a big trigger for me (as you can imagine, since that's when all of the harassments occurred) and what prompted me to write out this post this morning is that my boyfriend drank too much last night and was snoring this morning, which is something my dad used to do horrendously. The feeling I get is usually a mix of arousal, disgust, and feeling dirty and itchy in my genital area and inner thighs. If someone has any input or can simply relate to any of these, it would make me feel a lot better to hear. I have not told my therapist all of this yet because I'm afraid of a lack of knowledge/expertise that will make me feel even more ashamed, and I need to know that I am not the only one out there with these issues and that it is not my fault.
 
Reading some of ya'lls posts about "Body Memories" has helped me feel more validated in my experience. I have childhood trauma that circles around themes of "intrusion," "invasion," "violation." I was homeschooled from kindergarten in a very strict and religious household, and I was the only one in the house out of my mother and three brothers who suffered from my father and his substance abuse. Two of my three brothers have experienced their own forms of trauma surrounding our upbringing, but I seem to be the only one who was a first hand witness to the substance abuse and subsequent harassment. My dad would do things like get high and follow me around the house to sprinkle "magic water" down my neck. He would come into my bedroom in the middle of the night wearing only his underwear at night while he was either high or sleepwalking or both and say things that didn't make sense to me and mess around with the things in my room. I don't have any memories of sexual abuse, but as I am getting older I'm starting to realize and accept the fact that there was indirect sexuality towards me, and maybe even some direct sexual abuse that I had written off and repressed.

Even before realizing this, however, I do know that in the midst of all of this repeated trauma and building resentment/hatred towards my father, I was at the age where children sometimes start to explore their own sexuality and body. Also, because I was a sufferer of OCD from a young age, intrusive images and thoughts were a thing while trying to masturbate through the years of living at home (my lack of privacy was also a concern).

Nighttime is a big trigger for me (as you can imagine, since that's when all of the harassments occurred) and what prompted me to write out this post this morning is that my boyfriend drank too much last night and was snoring this morning, which is something my dad used to do horrendously. The feeling I get is usually a mix of arousal, disgust, and feeling dirty and itchy in my genital area and inner thighs. If someone has any input or can simply relate to any of these, it would make me feel a lot better to hear. I have not told my therapist all of this yet because I'm afraid of a lack of knowledge/expertise that will make me feel even more ashamed, and I need to know that I am not the only one out there with these issues and that it is not my fault.

You are not alone. My OCD set in around 3rd grade. My trauma was already in full swing. My father subjected me to the abuse until my mid-late twenties, I'm now 32. I hope you find the confidence to tell your T. This isn't your dirty secret. It's been pushed upon us and we take on the guilt that's not meant for us. You are not the only one and I pray that one day we both find the peace we're desperately searching for.
 
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