Childhood Paternal Trauma and Sexual Arrousal

{hot~tea}

New Here
Reading some of ya'lls posts about "Body Memories" has helped me feel more validated in my experience. I have childhood trauma that circles around themes of "intrusion," "invasion," "violation." I was homeschooled from kindergarten in a very strict and religious household, and I was the only one in the house out of my mother and three brothers who suffered from my father and his substance abuse. Two of my three brothers have experienced their own forms of trauma surrounding our upbringing, but I seem to be the only one who was a first hand witness to the substance abuse and subsequent harassment. My dad would do things like get high and follow me around the house to sprinkle "magic water" down my neck. He would come into my bedroom in the middle of the night wearing only his underwear at night while he was either high or sleepwalking or both and say things that didn't make sense to me and mess around with the things in my room. I don't have any memories of sexual abuse, but as I am getting older I'm starting to realize and accept the fact that there was indirect sexuality towards me, and maybe even some direct sexual abuse that I had written off and repressed.

Even before realizing this, however, I do know that in the midst of all of this repeated trauma and building resentment/hatred towards my father, I was at the age where children sometimes start to explore their own sexuality and body. Also, because I was a sufferer of OCD from a young age, intrusive images and thoughts were a thing while trying to masturbate through the years of living at home (my lack of privacy was also a concern).

Nighttime is a big trigger for me (as you can imagine, since that's when all of the harassments occurred) and what prompted me to write out this post this morning is that my boyfriend drank too much last night and was snoring this morning, which is something my dad used to do horrendously. The feeling I get is usually a mix of arousal, disgust, and feeling dirty and itchy in my genital area and inner thighs. If someone has any input or can simply relate to any of these, it would make me feel a lot better to hear. I have not told my therapist all of this yet because I'm afraid of a lack of knowledge/expertise that will make me feel even more ashamed, and I need to know that I am not the only one out there with these issues and that it is not my fault.
 
Reading some of ya'lls posts about "Body Memories" has helped me feel more validated in my experience. I have childhood trauma that circles around themes of "intrusion," "invasion," "violation." I was homeschooled from kindergarten in a very strict and religious household, and I was the only one in the house out of my mother and three brothers who suffered from my father and his substance abuse. Two of my three brothers have experienced their own forms of trauma surrounding our upbringing, but I seem to be the only one who was a first hand witness to the substance abuse and subsequent harassment. My dad would do things like get high and follow me around the house to sprinkle "magic water" down my neck. He would come into my bedroom in the middle of the night wearing only his underwear at night while he was either high or sleepwalking or both and say things that didn't make sense to me and mess around with the things in my room. I don't have any memories of sexual abuse, but as I am getting older I'm starting to realize and accept the fact that there was indirect sexuality towards me, and maybe even some direct sexual abuse that I had written off and repressed.

Even before realizing this, however, I do know that in the midst of all of this repeated trauma and building resentment/hatred towards my father, I was at the age where children sometimes start to explore their own sexuality and body. Also, because I was a sufferer of OCD from a young age, intrusive images and thoughts were a thing while trying to masturbate through the years of living at home (my lack of privacy was also a concern).

Nighttime is a big trigger for me (as you can imagine, since that's when all of the harassments occurred) and what prompted me to write out this post this morning is that my boyfriend drank too much last night and was snoring this morning, which is something my dad used to do horrendously. The feeling I get is usually a mix of arousal, disgust, and feeling dirty and itchy in my genital area and inner thighs. If someone has any input or can simply relate to any of these, it would make me feel a lot better to hear. I have not told my therapist all of this yet because I'm afraid of a lack of knowledge/expertise that will make me feel even more ashamed, and I need to know that I am not the only one out there with these issues and that it is not my fault.

You are not alone. My OCD set in around 3rd grade. My trauma was already in full swing. My father subjected me to the abuse until my mid-late twenties, I'm now 32. I hope you find the confidence to tell your T. This isn't your dirty secret. It's been pushed upon us and we take on the guilt that's not meant for us. You are not the only one and I pray that one day we both find the peace we're desperately searching for.
 
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OakTree123

New Here
Reading some of ya'lls posts about "Body Memories" has helped me feel more validated in my experience. I have childhood trauma that circles around themes of "intrusion," "invasion," "violation." I was homeschooled from kindergarten in a very strict and religious household, and I was the only one in the house out of my mother and three brothers who suffered from my father and his substance abuse. Two of my three brothers have experienced their own forms of trauma surrounding our upbringing, but I seem to be the only one who was a first hand witness to the substance abuse and subsequent harassment. My dad would do things like get high and follow me around the house to sprinkle "magic water" down my neck. He would come into my bedroom in the middle of the night wearing only his underwear at night while he was either high or sleepwalking or both and say things that didn't make sense to me and mess around with the things in my room. I don't have any memories of sexual abuse, but as I am getting older I'm starting to realize and accept the fact that there was indirect sexuality towards me, and maybe even some direct sexual abuse that I had written off and repressed.

Even before realizing this, however, I do know that in the midst of all of this repeated trauma and building resentment/hatred towards my father, I was at the age where children sometimes start to explore their own sexuality and body. Also, because I was a sufferer of OCD from a young age, intrusive images and thoughts were a thing while trying to masturbate through the years of living at home (my lack of privacy was also a concern).

Nighttime is a big trigger for me (as you can imagine, since that's when all of the harassments occurred) and what prompted me to write out this post this morning is that my boyfriend drank too much last night and was snoring this morning, which is something my dad used to do horrendously. The feeling I get is usually a mix of arousal, disgust, and feeling dirty and itchy in my genital area and inner thighs. If someone has any input or can simply relate to any of these, it would make me feel a lot better to hear. I have not told my therapist all of this yet because I'm afraid of a lack of knowledge/expertise that will make me feel even more ashamed, and I need to know that I am not the only one out there with these issues and that it is not my fault.
I can completely relate to this.

I experienced all kinds of "indirect sexuality" towards me (as you so eloquently put it) and perhaps actual sexual abuse...I'm not sure yet because so many things are fuzzy.

This is some of what I experienced in this paragraph (just giving a warning as it could be triggering): My mother would walk in on me naked, wear little to no clothing around the house, force me to give her massages on her back and feet and legs, told me about how she was raped by her father and my father, force me to sleep in the same bed as her and cuddle...

I had no boundaries with her. I recently found out that everything she was doing to me was called "emotional incest" to a T. I don't know if you are familiar with that term, but maybe you would want to look it up and see if you relate to it....it was really validating to me to read that this is a set of behaviors that are known and that other people have experienced the same feelings I am. Now that these memories are coming up, I feel so disgusted and disturbed and upset. I have an urge to protect myself physically. I don't want any kind of intimacy; just the thought of touching someone else in any kind of way (like even friendly) disgusts me. And I am soooooooo triggered at night because that's also when the abuse would usually happen to me too. I haven't gotten a good night sleep in months; I toss and turn and I have nightmares every night.

You are not alone. I understand and I know a lot of other people understand too. I hope you can come out on the other side of these feelings soon...I know it's horrible to feel this way. Wishing you lots of safety and happiness in the future. <3
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I would say I simply relate, and it’s all just so normal now like yes, this sounds like normal feelings and behaviour for people with CSA. I think the realisation stage is longest and hardest. I spent so much time arguing with myself about the reality and severity. It seemed like everything else was wrong. It seemed like I probably had all these diagnoses and conditions and maybe I do or I did. But trying to get this into the light of day was what was really going on. It’s very hard what you’re doing. I would like to be able to say congratulations and I’m happy for you but it’s not really like that. I hope you feel better.
 

{hot~tea}

New Here
How is your relationship with either of your siblings, or with your mother? Have you ever spoken with them about any of this, or about their experience of your father/the household?
In the past year I have spoken about his drug and alcohol abuse and his non-sexual harassment and none of them had any idea, so I didn't mention the sexual vibes to any of them.

I can completely relate to this.

I experienced all kinds of "indirect sexuality" towards me (as you so eloquently put it) and perhaps actual sexual abuse...I'm not sure yet because so many things are fuzzy.

This is some of what I experienced in this paragraph (just giving a warning as it could be triggering): My mother would walk in on me naked, wear little to no clothing around the house, force me to give her massages on her back and feet and legs, told me about how she was raped by her father and my father, force me to sleep in the same bed as her and cuddle...

I had no boundaries with her. I recently found out that everything she was doing to me was called "emotional incest" to a T. I don't know if you are familiar with that term, but maybe you would want to look it up and see if you relate to it....it was really validating to me to read that this is a set of behaviors that are known and that other people have experienced the same feelings I am. Now that these memories are coming up, I feel so disgusted and disturbed and upset. I have an urge to protect myself physically. I don't want any kind of intimacy; just the thought of touching someone else in any kind of way (like even friendly) disgusts me. And I am soooooooo triggered at night because that's also when the abuse would usually happen to me too. I haven't gotten a good night sleep in months; I toss and turn and I have nightmares every night.

You are not alone. I understand and I know a lot of other people understand too. I hope you can come out on the other side of these feelings soon...I know it's horrible to feel this way. Wishing you lots of safety and happiness in the future. <3
Thank you so much for sharing this. It does help me to hear similar stories to this.

So this feeling happens regularly? And it happens when you are triggered into a flashback of your dad’s night time behaviors?
The triggers usually only happen from something specific that reminds me of my father, but they can last through the night right through nightmares, which are usually more symbolic of lack of control regarding my father.
 
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