People showing kindness is triggering self hate


I'm taking time off work because a triggering event made it too hard to continue until I can get myself feeling better. I am finding that I want to push work friends ( and my husband's family) away because I will contaminate them. I am not like this with long time friends who have also gone through traumas, just people who I perceive as being "normal." Its like I dont want to taint them with the could of evil that surrounds me. I almost messaged a friend the other day to tell her that she should not be friends with me because i am too messed up and have nothing positive to offer her.

Today a coworker texted me that she is thinking about me and that while i am important and missed, she is glad that I am taking time to take care of myself. I have no idea why but this triggered suicidal thoughts. I started feeling like i am nothing and that no one should care for me. It reminded me about how much I hate myself. What a burden I am. Even though I know it is irrational to believe that I have caused pain for friends/family, I feel responsible for things that happen to them. I was able to pull out of it on my own and I keep pulling myself back to the present when I notice I am not here. I feel like I have bad energy and that being around me will cause harm to to others. I keep trying to tell myself that I am a good person, but it is hard to believe it.

The most bizzare thing is that when I was still at work, I felt ignored and like no one cared about me. I felt alone and insignificant. I wanted people to notice. To care. Now that they do, it make me feel worthless.


Other people’s emotions are heavy.

Sometimes it’s a nice weight. Balancing, grounding, momentum inducing, strengthening, protective.

But when I can’t even deal with my own emotions? Other people’s emotions are crushing. As in drop a boulder on me, splat; or the straw that broke the camels back. Either way, flattened.


New Here
I relate whole heartedly to this. I wish I had some wisdom to share with you but this is something I am trying to understand too. This morning I started listening to Pete Walkers Surviving to Thriving book, I figured it may be too triggering to read it with my own eyes so I will listen to it on audible. I think its very deeply ingrained in us that to be kind to ourselves or for others to kind to us triggers a shameful feeling or inner yearning for what we didn't get and now feel undeserving for. Hope you are ok, I am right where you are, you're not alone.