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Perceptions, reality and ptsd - sufferer input please!

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Sighs

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As a supporter it can be very difficult to know how to handle what appears to me to be cognitive distortions.

Eg 1 - 4 wheel driving - tree across track forced him to turn back. When telling me about it he says "We didn't get ambushed but we had to go the long way around." He's in an Australian State Forest. Who the hell is going to ambush him?

Eg 2 - Walking back to the car from fishing the river bank. It's dark. He will NOT allow me to use the torch I have in my pocket as white light will reveal our location. To whom? I'm getting hurt falling over logs here buddy!

Eg 3 - I'm recovering from major abdominal surgery. He calls me lazy and a 'chit waller' and snorts that he's managed plenty of blokes on medical chits before.

Eg 4 - He's cooking some kind of stir-fry omelette thing in a wok. I ask him whether we'll need forks or spoons. His response is "Haven't you ever eaten food before you f*cking moron?"

Eg 5 - He says "They've only graded the sides of the road here." I reply "They also graded the dirt road down the river." He replies "I'm not talking about the dirt road. What kind of f*cked up response is that?"

I would love some sufferer input as to what goes through his head at these times and whether it is helpful or not to point out to him that he may not be thinking all that clearly or that his perceptions might be off.

@Friday? @Freida? @Warrior Chicken? Any other veterans? Input from sufferers who are not veterans welcomed as well.
 
Ok. My first thought.....ptsd doesn’t necessarily have to make you an asshole. So even as a sufferer I have trouble with how he treats you.... in my case I turn everything on myself, so I’m sensitive to others being treated poorly. I’ll try to break down some of your examples as they might pertain to my responses and hope it helps:

Eg 1 - the anomaly. Something out of place or otherwise unusual in my environment immediately becomes a threat. My mind races with every possible scenario/explanation in order to validate or exclude threat.

Eg 2 - straight forward. Yes. White light HUGE problem to my animal brain. I suggest you purchase a headlamp or “torch” (love that) with dual light - white and red. Essential.

Eg 3 - I think....if caught at a really dark moment I may assume everyone else’s pains are minor to the shit storm in my head/body that’s unrelenting. It’s callous and unkind to think that way in my world....but maybe that’s what’s going on for him?

Eg 4 & 5 - sounds like incompetence is a trigger. Something bad may have happened when someone dropped the ball, was lazy, cut corners, was incompetent. Sets off alarm bells and the word filter seems to be broken for your guy when that happens.

I can’t remember who on the forums talked about a safe word, I think it’s brilliant if it works in your relationship. I don’t know if that would be something that would work in your case?
Hope this makes sense a bit.
 
Thank you @Warrior Chicken. I really appreciate your insight.

As far as 1 & 2 go - is it helpful for me to try and argue that its a safe environment? Or is it better to just accept that his hypervigilance is what it is and go along with that?

I think you have 3 pegged. He suffers from a lot of physical and mental pain and I don't think he has the energy for empathy. If I say anything to try and get through to him that actually I AM in real pain and need to rest I'm told that I'm whinging and whining. Any ideas for getting through to him?

Ditto for 4 & 5. Incompetence is a major trigger. He was involved in an incident where civilian children were killed and maimed due to his CO's incompetence. My issue is that I don't think asking about cutlery or commenting on the road work is incompetence. I'm intrigued that it was so obvious to you that that was the issue. I'm tired of being berated for 'incompetence' for just being a "normal" person. Again, any ideas for changing his perceptions of incompetence?
 
I’m not used to this....but I’ll try to get my thoughts straight. 1&2 : it really depends on a few things if it will be helpful to argue it’s safe and the reaction is out of context. For me, if I’m SUPER triggered, if someone I trust tells me it’s safe and what I see is not actually a threat - my trust erodes and I feel judgement, that I’m overreacting and insane. Yeah, goes straight there. If I ask whether I’m overreacting or not seeing things right, then by all means - I’m looking for that truth/balance.
So....you know your guy. But maybe what might help is subtly showing that it’s safe somehow....this I can’t explain more cuz it depends on him, and the situation I think. But stuff like the red light torch....would help me to feel safe, that we won’t be compromised, that I can protect you from harm better.

3 - your own pain....how to get thru to him....I’m really sorry that you have that struggle on top of his response to you. But I just don’t know what to suggest...maybe someone else can chime in?

4&5 - Incompetence is a trigger for me too, and it’s thpically totally out of proportion. I also tend to come to my senses well after the fact and then the guilt and shame sets in. Is your guy aware that he’s doing this stuff and is he open to taking it to his T to discuss? That’s where I’m starting, cuz I don’t really have a clue how to fix it otherwise yet, as I understand the improvement comes with mindfulness & awareness that I’m in a heightened state and need to remove myself from it BEFORE I act like gorilla who’s had her bananas taken from her.
 
The way he's talking to you is not acceptable. I see a lot of agitation that's coming from his internal experience obviously, as none of these situations warrant those snarky, rude responses. I'd tell him he needs to correct it as it's verbally abusive.

PTSD doesn't make sense to people who don't have it, as empathic as one can be, its just non-sensical to a properly wired brain. Some of the things we say and do make sense to us with PTSD, and some are confusing to ourselves also. Our brain is firing off and haunting us with places we have suffered in the past, birthing those places into the present where they no longer apply, but feel very applicable to us... if that makes sense. He's sensing danger where it's not present like it once was. We with PTSD do that all the time, regardless of past trauma; we see attackers and perpetrators in everyday people, we see danger in everyday situations, where these things most likely do no exist. Just our brains way of trying to alert us and protect us from further harm, although it makes no sense, the brain is just doing what it was primally wired to do. PTSD just takes it to another level we can't always make sense of. It's truly disordered.

A good question was raised: IS he in therapy? Is he on medication? There needs to be boundaries laid down with how he treats you. There needs to be a system you both agree on, where if something is not safe for you or for him (having no flashlight and tripping around in the dark), that you need to be able to logically communicate it to him that you're in a different situation where, in this instance, it's more safe to have light, or whatever, for the situation. He has to ground himself more in the present reality.

Stay sane, stay strong :)
 
@Warrior Chicken @Supervixn hit them dead on.....But I'm going to repeat that ptsd is not an excuse for being an asshole.

Nothing to add to one and two....You may never get those to change.
#3-5? Warrior chicken is nicer than I am. He is taking out his aggression on you and that is not acceptable. If he wants to discuss his triggers and you decide you want to help him with them, that's one thing. Him just randomly yelling and calling you names? NO.
PTSD does not give you the right to be abusive.

Now - do those of us with PTSD sometimes lose it for no reason? Yep. It's the nature of the beast -- it may not make sense to you but it does to us. that's the whole mis-wired thing. Things that seem absolutely common sense (no flashlight in the dark) to us seem excessive or irrational to normal people. that's where therapy comes in. First to help him understand his triggers, then to help you as a couple learn what to do when the triggers come out.

The safe word thing? That's when you are in an argument and you use a term that you have chosen before hand. It means the fight is over and you will separate and come back to the topic later when you are calm.

If he's not in therapy he's not going to get better. I don't mean to sound unhopeful. But PTSD is so big you cant conquer it on your own. It's like someone getting a cancer diagnosis and saying "if I just ignore it, it will go away." It won't. It takes help.
 
Every now and then, something comes up where my T will pause, look at me over the top his glasses and say, "You might want find a better way of thinking about that."

That's been a very useful concept. I get the concerns about the light, the ambush, and even the perceived "incompetence". But you kind of have a choice. You can live the rest of your life in that version of reality or you can find a better way of looking at things. I'm not saying it's easy, mind you.

So, when circumstances require that I sit where I can't see the room and the exits? I tell myself, "Self, this is a relatively safe place and we're going to think of this as exposure therapy."

He might want to find a better way to think about some of this stuff. :hug:
 
His 'treatment' currently consists of a 30 min appt with a psychiatrist once every 3 months. He takes no medication. He was seeing a psychologist fortnightly but she is on maternity leave and he will not 'start over' with another. Hopefully she comes back around the middle of the year. Sigh!
 
Nope. And his psychiatrist who he has been seeing on and off for ten years is retiring at the end of this year...
 
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