"Perfect PTSD Friend" Abandon Me

Lily9712

New Here
I've had c/PTSD most my life stemming from childhood trauma. 2 years ago a care giver of mine violated my records, social media stalking, and the pandemic to corner and attack me (sexually), making me worse than I've ever imagined. (Worse he served no time despite confessing to felony rape because it was his first time, just probation).

To begin working on communicating under my control, my psychologist had me gaming (mmorpgs). I met someone (male) who never came on to me, made me laugh, made me comfortable, so we spoke often. I felt comfortable telling him what happened to me and he understood all i went through and more.

His story is tragic as he also has c/PTSD. We seemed to be helping each other and feelings developed, but right now I'll say all one sided as I don't know what to believe and I don't want to speak for him or sift thru his inconsistencies. I worked in psych previously and helped him sort through so much; he's uneducated and his soul helped me through each day. The closer we got the more he pulled back and it got kind of volatile at times and understandable, too afraid of being close/hurt, but we always patched things up and got closer.

We're both hypervigilant agoraphobics to boot, so nothings been easy, but he's been worth it, to me for the last year. Recently but we had a disagreement over wording of all things and I tried ending our friendship kindly, no more hostility, as I'm tired of fighting over nonsense. I feel I love him (platonically) and I'm too close to someone not ready to care for anyone. Upon saying some of this he wrote to me all of this condescending garbage like he's God and I'm obsessed and he was never good for me, I am not enough for him.

Whether that's right or wrong, and no I was not ever obsessed 🙄I feel hate for the first time in a long time and I hate me, for trusting someone who I thought shared a connection. I feel like I've regressed 10 years and I simply want to curl up and hide from the world and never try again. The less I try moving forward the more my health team recommends hospitalization.

I'm angry because I'm confused and feel used, but it's not like he got anything from me but free advice and my feelings.

Im angry because I feel I've lost so much progress.

I'm severely depressed because I feel lost and alone like it's day 1. I don't know how to trust people and I know I need to in order to survive

I can't eat/sleep/clean/play, I just sit here thinking of everything wrong with me and I'm not sure how to stop. I just feel dead inside like this where my motivating best friend was is as empty as the rest of me.

Sorry to ramble, my counseling is on Wednesday, but I feel utterly shattered and I'm not sure how to even approach people against or if I want to, but for recovery I know I have to.

I've never had much luck w support groups but 🤞
Ty from the bottom of what's left of my heart for reading, I know everyone's time is valuable.
 

intothelight

Sponsor
@Lily9712 Its hard enough after trauma to trust, but when a trust is broken, the emotional and mental pain from that break can be overwhelming. However, it can also be a time of growth and healing if the pain is worked through and not just avoided.

I'm angry because I'm confused and feel used, but it's not like he got anything from me but free advice and my feelings.

The response you got and the behavior that was exhibited is confusing, but could it be attributed to his own mental illness and not a premeditated manipulation of you?

Im angry because I feel I've lost so much progress.

Have you lost progress, or just momentarily stepped back, into a behavior or place that you thought you had past? Lost progress or an opportunity for new progress?

PTSD causes us to find fault and a worthlessness within ourselves, which we in turn reinforce by how we think. Just wanted to offer some alternatives above and I hope they are helpful. None of this is easy and it is hurtful, so it is nice to have the support of a community that gets it.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Agree with @intothelight 👆, the cycling back in PTSD can feel like returning to the beginning but it’s not because you still have all the work you did in that time since you began working with your psychologist.

It is not uncommon, I think, for friendships to be rather confusing when recovery begins. There’s a drive to find support and use new skills but little to no experience, so it’s natural that mistakes will be made.

PTSD symptoms can not only cause us to blame ourselves but also lead us to idealize some people and look to them as rescuers. No blame, it happens to many of us, but seeing those thought distortions is important for letting them go.

No question you are grieving but to me it appears that part of you sees the bigger picture.
I'm tired of fighting over nonsense
This ⬆️ statement particularly hints to me that your wise self saw through the “perfect” friend and imagined a better way.
I feel I've lost so much progress.
You feel you have but feelings aren’t the truth, right?
and I hate me, for trusting someone
I’m proud of you for trusting someone. The spectrum of trust is frightening for PTSD survivors. There are many of us who close off to trust but long for it anyway. The fact that you did trust is a good sign to me. Further, the fact that you discerned your friend to be human and even a negative influence is a good thing! Punishing yourself is unnecessary, yet a very tough habit to break.

Can you remind yourself that you wanted a friend badly and you are still learning how to make friends with the right people? That you didn’t know better and once you knew better you made a change?
as empty as the rest of me.
I don’t believe this. You couldn’t have come this far on your recovery journey and come out empty.

What kinds of distractions are you doing for the grieving? Are there other activities you’ve been curious to try or other games that would open you up to a different set of people?
 

Lily9712

New Here
Thanks to all.

Because of the agoraphobia and I also have a rare lung disease which requires oxygen, doing many things that normally would relax me just causes me exhaustion. I've tried playing other games and made other friends, but it gets to the point adults are adults playing games and they say the wrong thing, one wrong thing and I shut down for a day or two.

My friend as initially mentioned never spoke to me that way, he respected me and my circumstances, and I him. There was one day my psychiatrist felt I was regressing too much and my friend had said, bluntly, that wasn't a conversation he could have with me because of his own past. He's refused to get help and needs it so badly. I've been his help l, I've helped him when I should've been helping me. I know his failure to facw trauma added to the destruction of the relationship, but can't help think if he cared a quarter as much as he said he did, he's have fought as much as I had instead of running off calling me names like a child.

Further unfortunate is my father recently passed away, just months before the rape; unexpected glioblastoma, not 2 weeks start to finish. He was the only family u had left. I was married (to an abusive spouse) and found solace in the time spent with neices and nephews, but when my ex remarried I was removed from their lives. I learned 1 month after the fact last year my brother in law, with whom I was very close, lost his life to COVID, in a text from my son who lives 18 hours away with his own PTSD, Asperger's syndrome and bipolar disorder. Anyone else I've just pushed away because I'm the buzz kill at the party. I just have no one

It's not that I don't want people in my life, I don't know how, so I feel safer in my little coffin reflecting on what I've lost.

But I'm a counselor pre-assault and I know all these things already I know what I should do with my mindfulness, CBT, tried poke therapy, have my safe space, everything negative is just so intrusive. I guess that's where it was nice having my friend, I could tell him it was a bad day and I was completely freaking out because I couldn't remove all the wrinkles from the bedsheets was killing me inside, everything has to be perfect, you know, because I'm not, I was broken. Now I have one of those days and theres no one.

I have a treatment plan I want to stick to, I have goals, I wanna go back to work although getting my position in psych back isn't going to happen, I miss kayaking and the beach so much, not looking over my shoulders constantly. I want to read a novel without being interrupted by each sound.

I know recovery can't be measured, but I compare and I shouldn't. Before the rape I had childhood related PTSD, and I can't help but compare that me to this me. I don't like this me. I change my hair and make up daily so that I'm not the person I hate in the mirror.

I'm rambling , apologies 🥲
 

Lily9712

New Here
Disability hearing on 9 days and my legal aid attorney quit on me after adjourning in June over lost paperwork so I'm not going to get another adjournment and have to represent myself. Disability sent me my 1400 page file and expects me to have a grasp on it by Wed when they check in, so my feelings, as usual, have to check out so things can be attempted 😞. I've just come to accept it'll always be something and now i go it alone.
 
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