I've had c/PTSD most my life stemming from childhood trauma. 2 years ago a care giver of mine violated my records, social media stalking, and the pandemic to corner and attack me (sexually), making me worse than I've ever imagined. (Worse he served no time despite confessing to felony rape because it was his first time, just probation).
To begin working on communicating under my control, my psychologist had me gaming (mmorpgs). I met someone (male) who never came on to me, made me laugh, made me comfortable, so we spoke often. I felt comfortable telling him what happened to me and he understood all i went through and more.
His story is tragic as he also has c/PTSD. We seemed to be helping each other and feelings developed, but right now I'll say all one sided as I don't know what to believe and I don't want to speak for him or sift thru his inconsistencies. I worked in psych previously and helped him sort through so much; he's uneducated and his soul helped me through each day. The closer we got the more he pulled back and it got kind of volatile at times and understandable, too afraid of being close/hurt, but we always patched things up and got closer.
We're both hypervigilant agoraphobics to boot, so nothings been easy, but he's been worth it, to me for the last year. Recently but we had a disagreement over wording of all things and I tried ending our friendship kindly, no more hostility, as I'm tired of fighting over nonsense. I feel I love him (platonically) and I'm too close to someone not ready to care for anyone. Upon saying some of this he wrote to me all of this condescending garbage like he's God and I'm obsessed and he was never good for me, I am not enough for him.
Whether that's right or wrong, and no I was not ever obsessed I feel hate for the first time in a long time and I hate me, for trusting someone who I thought shared a connection. I feel like I've regressed 10 years and I simply want to curl up and hide from the world and never try again. The less I try moving forward the more my health team recommends hospitalization.
I'm angry because I'm confused and feel used, but it's not like he got anything from me but free advice and my feelings.
Im angry because I feel I've lost so much progress.
I'm severely depressed because I feel lost and alone like it's day 1. I don't know how to trust people and I know I need to in order to survive
I can't eat/sleep/clean/play, I just sit here thinking of everything wrong with me and I'm not sure how to stop. I just feel dead inside like this where my motivating best friend was is as empty as the rest of me.
Sorry to ramble, my counseling is on Wednesday, but I feel utterly shattered and I'm not sure how to even approach people against or if I want to, but for recovery I know I have to.
I've never had much luck w support groups but
Ty from the bottom of what's left of my heart for reading, I know everyone's time is valuable.
To begin working on communicating under my control, my psychologist had me gaming (mmorpgs). I met someone (male) who never came on to me, made me laugh, made me comfortable, so we spoke often. I felt comfortable telling him what happened to me and he understood all i went through and more.
His story is tragic as he also has c/PTSD. We seemed to be helping each other and feelings developed, but right now I'll say all one sided as I don't know what to believe and I don't want to speak for him or sift thru his inconsistencies. I worked in psych previously and helped him sort through so much; he's uneducated and his soul helped me through each day. The closer we got the more he pulled back and it got kind of volatile at times and understandable, too afraid of being close/hurt, but we always patched things up and got closer.
We're both hypervigilant agoraphobics to boot, so nothings been easy, but he's been worth it, to me for the last year. Recently but we had a disagreement over wording of all things and I tried ending our friendship kindly, no more hostility, as I'm tired of fighting over nonsense. I feel I love him (platonically) and I'm too close to someone not ready to care for anyone. Upon saying some of this he wrote to me all of this condescending garbage like he's God and I'm obsessed and he was never good for me, I am not enough for him.
Whether that's right or wrong, and no I was not ever obsessed I feel hate for the first time in a long time and I hate me, for trusting someone who I thought shared a connection. I feel like I've regressed 10 years and I simply want to curl up and hide from the world and never try again. The less I try moving forward the more my health team recommends hospitalization.
I'm angry because I'm confused and feel used, but it's not like he got anything from me but free advice and my feelings.
Im angry because I feel I've lost so much progress.
I'm severely depressed because I feel lost and alone like it's day 1. I don't know how to trust people and I know I need to in order to survive
I can't eat/sleep/clean/play, I just sit here thinking of everything wrong with me and I'm not sure how to stop. I just feel dead inside like this where my motivating best friend was is as empty as the rest of me.
Sorry to ramble, my counseling is on Wednesday, but I feel utterly shattered and I'm not sure how to even approach people against or if I want to, but for recovery I know I have to.
I've never had much luck w support groups but
Ty from the bottom of what's left of my heart for reading, I know everyone's time is valuable.