I’ll find my stubborn, and stubborn up….

But in the meantime?

It’s been soooooo many years, of living on the edge, so any lil bump in the road just kicks me back to ‘start’… that I would loooove your best tricks, your reminders, the things that see you through hard times.

I need to laugh. To dig deep. To walk in like I own the place. To start again. New chapters.


My spirit animal the elephant. Googling baby elephant videos can usually get me laughing, which can lead to me shedding at least the first layer of crap, or at least moves it out of the way enough to get some clarity of real vs not real.

Planning my next vacation. Can't do that unless I know I'm going to be alive for it. Might happen soon, might happen 20 years from now but it focuses me on places other than here, without the whole get-in-car-run-away mode taking over.

hubby and bestie - who won't allow me to wallow in my nonsense (kinda like here!!!). Not always the route I prefer, but always available and usually works.

Have you thought about one of the vet retreats? They are awesome for resetting thought patterns to start over in a new way and they aren't associated with the VA. Plus there were times when I laughed my ass off even while doing the hard work- which was awesome because I sometimes forget how to laugh.


The bastard (PTSD) isn't going to win. Not while I can get up, dust myself off and start climbing that hill again. Yeah, it tells me what it want's me to think - but it lies to me. It's a lying bastard. It want's me scared and tired. That makes its job easier. But now I know what I'm fighting. 45 years I didn't know. I lived with it's crap and didn't know better. Now I know where better is and I'm not getting there listening to that lying bastard. I'm getting up and going back up the hill to better again, because I got tripped up and slid down the hill this week too the smart guy said, every journey starts with a single step. He never said how big a step, so any step moving forward will do.......

When I can't laugh - kids movies or shows. Finding Nemo, Penguins of Madagascar, Spongebob, Looney Tunes, Faulty Towers, Monty Python, Muppet Show, John Belushi Movies, Mel Brooks movies, Simon Pegg movies, Mr. Bean, Blackadder, '60's and 70's cheesy Godzilla VS. Whatever movies, just unplug from cable and schedules and news and whatever for a day or two, eat when hungry, sleep if you can, take care of yourself.


if you're having problems finding your stubborn, you are welcome to a heaping helping of mine. second helpings free. i'm having a clearance sale. it be the first dish on all four corners of my psycho smorgasbord. my stubborn holds me in my dysfunctional cycles harder than a two year old who wants to go with you to that board meeting. or was that a bored meeting? in my own therapy rooms, "stubborn" and "persevere" are radically different results of the same character traits. when i'm being stubborn, i'll disagree with myself for the sake of winning the argument. i'll sleep on that uncomfortable couch rather than admit it wasn't my soundest choice ever.

perseverance is where i find the humility to admit i was wrong and the courage to try again.


The thing that pushes me through, is my big "F YOU" to what life throws at me. After my mother, I shouldn't have any sense of being capable or worth a damn. But F you as I am here and I raised four great kids in spite of her. My ex did try to kill me and destroy my children, but F him as he is serving 140 years in prison and I am finally free. Cancer has tried to kill me several times, but F cancer as I am beating it back into remission. Doctor's said I wouldn't walk, but F that as I am walking again with no cane.

Yes, there are days that PTSD knocks me sideways, but there is that fight deep, deep inside me that makes me get up, fight back and stand on my own two feet on my terms. What changed is that I finally like me and I believe in myself and my own worth. I also have a wonderful family and group of friends IRL that support, encourage and give me a purpose that is greater than myself.

When I am feeling stuck, afraid, worthless, overwhelmed, etc. I look outside myself, my past and any present shit storm. I read books and watch movies about real people who overcame horrible circumstances, odds or disabilities and found success and went on to live their lives. Great movie is Swimmers, about two Syrian refugee sisters that escape the war and one goes on to the Olympics. I can be the biggest bad ass, but at the same time be a caring, kind and giving person. No, I'm not competing in any Olympics, but I am walking which means this weekend when I see my grand daughters, I can go to the park and push a swing, sit on the floor and play Barbies, keep up with the new walker and make raspberries with her.

Everyone here has survived something or many somethings that are horrible. Each one has a level of grit inside them that enable them to live and it is cultivating that grit to not just survive, but to thrive. I am awake early as for some reason I heard the click of a revolver next to my head and woke up in a panic. Thing is, the MF isn't playing Russian Roulette holding the revolver next to my head, but it took me a few minutes to come down. Not going to let a flashback define my day today. Instead I am going to PT, taking care of the horses and goats, and getting everything ready to process payroll. So today, I have a lot of grit as there are days just to take care of business is my Olympics.


recently had to get through a long period of frustration over a fairly large mistake that should have been fixed right away but instead languished and got pushed around the bureaucracy for months. I had to daily remind myself that i was going to do my job in spite of what seemed like a loud and clear message that it wasnt appreciated or even very secure.
I became very pragmatic about the whole thing, found reminders of things i was able to do because i chose to work on, and things i was providing for people i love by staying at it. I found so many reasons to celebrate, and now, after things are finally repaired and i am being made whole without litigation, I am blessed with a feeling that I am rich beyond my dreams because of all of the small reminders i paid attention too when i needed them.
I think we can all think about what could go wrong, what is going wrong, what went wrong, its a part of our diagnosis after all. When i needed to find reasons to keep putting one foot in front if the other I quickly got pretty adept at it.
survival through immersive pragmatism. Oy, it could be worse.