General Physical reactions to trauma

[StillWurdy]

Since I’ve split with my sufferer, I’ve been diving into what CPTSD is and how it exhibits itself. Mostly to try to let go of feeling of resentments and guilt about whatever my part in the failure of our relationship. What I’ve found is interesting, comforting and sad. It’s definitely made me more empathetic to her struggle and has alleviated a lot of the feelings of failure. Doing the work I’ve come to understand that when she was triggered after I moved in with her, physically and emotionally it didn’t matter that I was me, in her nervous system I was her abuser, she felt that as if it was still happening, as if she was still stuck in her relationship with him. The resulting behaviour she was exhibiting towards me after the fact would be the same way she treated her abuser while they were still together, this included the paranoia and rightful distrust. In that state she was looking for any reason to get out of that situation, and she found what she needed, no matter how trivial to do so. I mean I may be wrong and I’m still waiting to talk to a psychologist about it. The common theme of, if I knew what I know now about CPTSD, things would of been different has gone through my head. But that’s not something I can look at, because maybe if I knew from the get go I would of walked away from her and never experienced the mutual growth that we did have. Also I’ve come to the realization that I can’t hold myself to the standard of the perfect supporter partner. It’s impossible.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I can’t hold myself to the standard of the perfect supporter partner. It’s impossible.

That’s the damn truth… especially if the expectation of perfect is to act in such a way that your partner is never symptomatic around you. That’s a fairy tale.

Just don’t fall into the support trap of blaming everything on the PTSD and not holding your person accountable. We all do it. It’s easier and feels better to blame the PTSD like it’s a devil or outside entity possessing our loved one. They’re still the ones choosing to act like they’re acting. They’re not poor baby blameless. You can be empathetic without being a doormat.

 

[StillWurdy]

Just don’t fall into the support trap of blaming everything on the PTSD and not holding your person accountable. We all do it. It’s easier and feels better to blame the PTSD like it’s a devil or outside entity possessing our loved one. They’re still the ones choosing to act like they’re acting. They’re not poor baby blameless. You can be empathetic without being a doormat.

I think that’s why it’s so important to talk to a psychologist about what is and what isn’t. This whole thing is so over my head, over most peoples head. Conventional wisdom doesn’t seem to apply because you’re not dealing with rational thought paternal. Open and honest communication and love definitely don’t solve everything. I found I ended up being trapped in a circular arguments and would have to try to finagle my way out of them because laying out the honest truth didn’t work. It’s so challenging.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I ended up being trapped in a circular arguments and would have to try to finagle my way out of them because laying out the honest truth didn’t work.

In that situation it’s best to not engage. You cannot argue or defend yourself when they’re ramped up and going like that. May as well throw some gasoline on the fire.

“I love you, but I’m not arguing like this. When you are ready to talk like an adult, you know how to find me”… then remove yourself with no further ado. Don’t get sucked into the mayhem.

Their stress reactions are broken, and unfortunately a common way to react to the stress is lashing out. It’s not a symptom, it’s a shitty way of handling a symptom, which could be said about a lot of the bad behaviors. You can’t reinforce that bullshit or you’re going to have an even bigger target on your forehead.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Also I’ve come to the realization that I can’t hold myself to the standard of the perfect supporter partner. It’s impossible.

This is 100% true! There is zero "perfect" anything. We are all human therefore not perfect. Im so glad you have come to realize this. It's so important! You can be supportive without being a doormat with good boundaries. It sounds like you aren't in the relationship anymore? Sorry, haven't gone to look up any other posts you have made to know this. But, since you are seeking therapy, boundaries is a wonderful thing to learn how to set and adhere to for any relationship. And this will allow you to know your boundaries, what you will and won't put up with, how to adhere to them and apply them. And that will help with all relationships and keeps you from being anyone's doormat!

Just don’t fall into the support trap of blaming everything on the PTSD and not holding your person accountable. We all do it. It’s easier and feels better to blame the PTSD like it’s a devil or outside entity possessing our loved one. They’re still the ones choosing to act like they’re acting. They’re not poor baby blameless. You can be empathetic without being a doormat.

100%! I had this issue with my dad and step mom, who lived with me for like 8 years. I would explode. It was my job to learn how to not explode and how to get myself out of the situation before that happened. I even learned how to set my own boundaries. Don't argue back, don't follow me, let me escape the situation because when I feel trapped, the exploding will happen way worse. And that helped me to learn how to set those boundaries. Can't speak more highly about boundaries! So important for everyone. But, yes, we (sufferer here) are 100% responsible for our own behaviors, our own triggers, and our own reactions.

I think another trap that a lot of supporters fall into is wanting to help us. You can't. Period. That is a great thing to learn. We must help us. Just like you are going to therapy @StillWurdy, you are looking to help yourself. In the same vein, we sufferers must help ourselves and no one can do that work for us. One can have empathy and be there to have someone to talk to or whatever but in the vein of help, no one can helps us but us.

Sorry, didn't mean to go on a mini tangent there.

I found I ended up being trapped in a circular arguments and would have to try to finagle my way out of them because laying out the honest truth didn’t work. It’s so challenging.

It's because, at least for me, when I'm triggered, rational thought leaves me. I can't be rational at all and really, someone trying to force me to be rational just adds frustrations. More about myself then anything else because I want to be rational but can't until the trigger calms down and my stress cup reduces. A great read is the stress cup analogy:

The ptsd cup explanation

Nearly a decade ago (2006) I wrote The PTSD Cup Explanation, a simple view of how PTSD causes symptoms in day-to-day life. This article is an update to that original piece. Regardless of the type of trauma endured, the PTSD Cup does not change, deviate or apply differently to your circumstance...

www.myptsd.com

“I love you, but I’m not arguing like this. When you are ready to talk like an adult, you know how to find me”…

This! Or even saying "when you can talk calmly" or something simular. And then leave the situation. You don't have to expose yourself to bad behavior and shouldn't. But, all part of boundary making.

Glad to here you are going to therapy @StillWurdy! I think it's a great way to learn all this stuff. Not saying all supporters should go to therapy. Just saying it will be of great help with all of this and to learn healthy ways to deal with any relationship but specifically a PTSD/CPTSD one and to work on your own mental health. Your mental health should come first before anything else. So glad to hear you are going to take care of you!

 

[StillWurdy]

Their stress reactions are broken, and unfortunately a common way to react to the stress is lashing out. It’s not a symptom, it’s a shitty way of handling a symptom, which could be said about a lot of the bad behaviors. You can’t reinforce that bullshit or you’re going to have an even bigger target on your forehead.

Yeah that ended up with her down the line nitpicking the white lies to try to get her to calm down and it she blew up even further after going through my iPad. I didn’t have a clue what I was dealing with, earlier on in the relationship I had some success talking her down by addressing what her fears were, but with the particular thing that set her off and she was never able to let go of it was impossible to talk to her.

 

[Friday]

feeling of resentments and guilt about whatever my part in the failure of our relationship

A failed relationship isn’t necessarily, or even often, a bad thing. Especially when it’s early on. (inside of the first 2-3 years.) Early on it’s usually either

- personalities/values/fundamental things about the two of you are not lining up
- life goals/aspirations/courses aren’t lining up.

Either of those 2 areas being toxic and staying together?!? Is an abject failure, in my book. Meanwhile either of those 2 areas being sacrificed, is just heartbreaking (and the stuff of future divorce courts).

So maybe instead of blaming yourself for this “failure”? Be grateful for this “ending”. That it’s happening now, and not years and years down the line; giving both of you more time to find partners you’re better suited to. Rather than attempting to force something that, out the gate, has seriously bad (divorce level) problems eyeballs deep.

If it helps at all?

Most relationships end in the first 6mo.
The next watershed is that the 2 year mark.

Yep. It’s usually personalities not working in the first, and lives not working in the second (although it can be reversed; 2 years is the max amount of time most people can pretend to be someone they aren’t to manipulate someone else into staying with them).

When everything about the people themselves line up? Not being able to line up lives can either be crushing… or the stuff that turns former lovers into great friends. When fundamental aspects of who you are as people don’t line up? That doesn’t mean YOU are wrong. Just like a relationship ending doesn’t mean you failed.

Just don’t fall into the support trap of blaming everything on the PTSD and not holding your person accountable.

^^^ THIS ^^^

I almost exclusively date people with PTSD. (My exHusband was not, though, he did another gift from an abusive childhood).

What that does is take PTSD right off the table, and leave you with the person themselves. Because if everyone you date has flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, gets triggered, etc.? What matters is not that they have them. What matters is how they handle them, and how they treat the people in their lives when symptoms happen.

Having PTSD may explain WHY those things happen, but it’s the person themselves & their personality/choices which explain HOW those things happen.

 

[StillWurdy]

A failed relationship isn’t necessarily, or even often, a bad thing. Especially when it’s early on. (inside of the first 2-3 years.) Early on it’s usually either

- personalities/values/fundamental things about the two of you are not lining up
- life goals/aspirations/courses aren’t lining up.

Either of those 2 areas being toxic and staying together?!? Is an abject failure, in my book. Meanwhile either of those 2 areas being sacrificed, is just heartbreaking (and the stuff of future divorce courts).

Both those things did line up for us, we were a great team and in a loving relationship full of mutual growth and common interests. The relationship went 180 when we were specifically told that our relationship may fail because of PTSD, I can’t help but feel that there almost was a self fulfilling prophecy. Although I do agree with you that it’s a blessing that the relationship failed, we discussed kids, I have no idea how we could manage raising children and the stress that is involved with that if 3 months of living together wasn’t manageable. I’m also, still, being internet stalked and minor harassment from some of the people in her life, and a friend pointed out that is a result of her despite her not being the one whose doing it, she’s allowed that in her life…. Sooo

 

[Defaultxlove]

You can be empathetic without being a doormat.

Love this

 

[Freida]

They’re still the ones choosing to act like they’re acting. They’re not poor baby blameless. You can be empathetic without being a doormat.

Yep. Those around me shouldn't have to deal with me blaming them for how I feel or act.
PTSD is the cause, but how I react is on me.
Not that I always get it right - but at least I can acknowledge sometimes its my fault for not self regulating

“I love you, but I’m not arguing like this. When you are ready to talk like an adult, you know how to find me”… then remove yourself with no further ado. Don’t get sucked into the mayhem.

Yep.
When I'm in a mood I resemble a tantrumy two year old who needs a nap and is pissed she can't have any cookies.
So I should expect to be treated that way.
Kindness is good because, well, ptsd makes me crazy
As long as I'm holding up my end of the bargain - which is to stay in therapy and learn how to manage my behavior

What matters is how they handle them, and how they treat the people in their lives when symptoms happen.

yep

Having PTSD may explain WHY those things happen, but it’s the person themselves & their personality/choices which explain HOW those things happen.

yep

 

[StillWurdy]

A little follow up,

I got to talk to a psychologist about what happened and we quickly and seemingly effortlessly transitioned into my own issues about what other people think about me, I enjoyed it so much I had no hesitation to book another session in a month.

Last weekend I was at a big recovery conference, I did some volunteering as security and they ended up putting me at the entrance to the main exhibition hall on opening night. Thought it would be an easy way to avoid feeling awkward and instead ended up being nerve racking. That meant I would have to interact with everyone that showed up, my ex included. She saw me and b-lined it out of there. I texted her that o was volunteering and just to come in, nothing was going to happen. She was terrified of me. The only times I’ve seen her like this is when she would receive messages from her abuser or see him from a distance. It must be very hard to live like that. Thank god for therapists and doing the work because that could of ended up being extremely hurtful to me, but instead I don’t have to take it personal and I can be empathetic but also realistic. Still awkward though, baby steps, we are in the same community but it’s up to her to deal with me being out and about, not my responsibility to avoid people places and things to avoid running into her 🤷🏼‍♂️

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it’s up to her to deal with me being out and about, not my responsibility to avoid people places and things to avoid running into her

100%! And this is such a healthy way to look at it too!