Since I’ve split with my sufferer, I’ve been diving into what CPTSD is and how it exhibits itself. Mostly to try to let go of feeling of resentments and guilt about whatever my part in the failure of our relationship. What I’ve found is interesting, comforting and sad. It’s definitely made me more empathetic to her struggle and has alleviated a lot of the feelings of failure. Doing the work I’ve come to understand that when she was triggered after I moved in with her, physically and emotionally it didn’t matter that I was me, in her nervous system I was her abuser, she felt that as if it was still happening, as if she was still stuck in her relationship with him. The resulting behaviour she was exhibiting towards me after the fact would be the same way she treated her abuser while they were still together, this included the paranoia and rightful distrust. In that state she was looking for any reason to get out of that situation, and she found what she needed, no matter how trivial to do so. I mean I may be wrong and I’m still waiting to talk to a psychologist about it. The common theme of, if I knew what I know now about CPTSD, things would of been different has gone through my head. But that’s not something I can look at, because maybe if I knew from the get go I would of walked away from her and never experienced the mutual growth that we did have. Also I’ve come to the realization that I can’t hold myself to the standard of the perfect supporter partner. It’s impossible.