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Piecing things together

Thread starter #1
Trying to work on more body awareness and awareness of when my perception or stage changes.

Tonight I was reading a bit about structural dissociation of the personality and for some reason was able to have a felt sense of grief.

I think the parts that hold my pain realize I'm trying to not be so avoidant about it.

Grief really hurts.

Also my experience of my husband is all over the place as usual. Is he safe or unsafe. I don't know. I do know he really hurt me today. He belittled my attachment issues. I told him leaving conflicts unresolved before we go to bed messes up my attachment and he says putting his socks on the wrong way messes up my attachment and "don't give [him] that shit." Such a crappy thing to say.

It's not the first time. Sometimes when we are disagreeing I'm able to link my behavior to the triggering of my father's death and he acts like I'm trying to manipulate him.

He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend nothing happened.

Anyway. Back to the grief. Grief is so heavy. It makes me want to just sleep. I am proud of myself for being in my body better. I am used to floating a bit outside of my body.

I joined this forum in 2017 and have been absent for a long time. Avoidance sets in and I stop trying to do my work. Hope I can keep going this time.
 
#2
I am so sorry for your loss and sorrow. Is there something deeper from long ago that is the root of your dissociation? How long ago did your father pass? Were you close or was it a complicated relationship? Many times the death of someone we love but they treated us badly is even harder with the complications and guilt of relief or bad thoughts before. Guilt is disabling, esp in grief. Are you seeing a therapist? If you can't afford one many churches offer it free. Sometimes men just don't know what to say and when they can't help us they get angry. That anger may not be at us but feels like it is. Men love to fix things. It is sometimes better to avoid talking to them about it unless there is something they can do to fix it and emotional stuff is kinda foreign to them sometimes. Better to talk w a counselor or a female close friend if you just want a sympathetic ear.
You will get thru this and things will be better, it does take time tho, and counseling. <3
 
Thread starter #3
I am so sorry for your loss and sorrow. Is there something deeper from long ago that is the root of your dissociation? How long ago did your father pass? Were you close or was it a complicated relationship? Many times the death of someone we love but they treated us badly is even harder with the complications and guilt of relief or bad thoughts before. Guilt is disabling, esp in grief. Are you seeing a therapist? If you can't afford one many churches offer it free. Sometimes men just don't know what to say and when they can't help us they get angry. That anger may not be at us but feels like it is. Men love to fix things. It is sometimes better to avoid talking to them about it unless there is something they can do to fix it and emotional stuff is kinda foreign to them sometimes. Better to talk w a counselor or a female close friend if you just want a sympathetic ear.
You will get thru this and things will be better, it does take time tho, and counseling. <3
I am quite sure there's something deeper to my dissociation but I don't have that information right now. He died nearly 20 years ago. It was very unexpected and my memory is that I preferred him to my mother so I was left with the person I didn't really enjoy.

My husband is generally supportive but I'm sure he's sick of my ish sometimes too. I hear you though that men want to be able to fix problems. I appreciate that reminder and you taking time to respond.
 
Thread starter #4
More pieces coming together. More awareness of different parts. More waves of grief.

Today I felt another part of myself "in front" and almost got lost going to the doctor because she's never been there before. She was scared and I didn't know how to help. I actually heard her say she was scared. Which is weird. But I'm trying to be more open to my work whatever shape it takes. My avoidance, my angry acting out, has been destructive. I was trying to run and hide. I was feeling like this pain was being sent to me. Now I know it was within me and I wasn't ready to feel it yet.

All week I have been feeling very much not like myself. I don't like this. But I am trying to be more embodied and aware.

I don't know why I dissociate so much. I know that I don't get along with my mother. She's got poor boundaries and made me responsible for her happiness. She was also a bit of a narcissist. I was not allowed to have emotions that didn't fit her image of me and my role. I was trained to be a perfectionist.

Nothing was ever good enough. I'm ashamed to say I carried that same mentality into my adult life at times.

I wonder if I don't remember my childhood because I've been gaslit so much. I don't know.

What if I don't have some deep awful secret past? What if I was raised by a not great cold conditionally loving mother, had a parent die, but my aces score isn't terrible?

If nothing happened then why am I like this. I feel like I have different layers of myself, some disagree with others, some think my husband is safe and some don't. Sex tends to be triggering. Only lately less so.

I've spent so much time numb.

Last night I was reading about different types of alters... You know, in case I have a dissociative disorder, I've always been WAY too anxious to consider it. I'm trying to break some walls of denial down.

So apparently there's a caregiver alter. It occurs to me I've spent way too much time in that mindset. I've lost myself. I've avoided myself. When I say I want to feel myself again, I hit this big wall of grief and depression.

I said elsewhere I don't have any memories. I do kind of remember the time I twisted my ankle at school... But it's not like MY memory. It's faded, and might just be the product of the story being told.

I don't have any real memories that feel like my own until 7th grade.

I know my mom didn't hit me.
I don't think I was abused sexually.

But something from my childhood was crazy making.

I remember when I moved back with my mom temporarily as an adult because i needed to switch gears and regroup on some life goals, it was So painful.

That book the Body Keeps the Score... My body knew. It was screaming at me to get the hell away from her. I was so dysregulated at home, alternating with numbness.

I wish I knew what is safe and what isn't. She says the right things now, but I still end up getting horribly triggered.

My husband said the other day he's so impressed with the work I've done for myself and on myself. That he is truly amazed at how much I've accomplished.
told him I think a lot of it is being low contact with my mother.

Like even if she says the right things now it feels like trying to paint an outhouse and say it doesn't smell like shit. But I have amnesia for most of the specific events because you know how else do you survive something like that.

I feel so sad for the little girl that didn't have anyone to truly love and guide her. I'm glad I can try to be there for her now.
 
Thread starter #5
I remember cringing then crying the first time I visited my in laws for the holidays.

A child had spilled a drink. I cringed.

Then cried when all the adults were kind to her about it and said it was just an accident.

My mother used to yell at us for spilling things. Sometimes even call us idiots.

It was really healing to see that not every child is treated that way.

Made me really angry too.

My mom is old and unwell. We took a vacation recently to let her see my child. I held it together quite well thanks. Adult me had compassion for her. She knocked the curtains down. And you could just see her fight or flight mode going off. She was feeling anxiety and shame, hand over her mouth, frozen.

I'm sure she experienced worse abuse than she showed me.

I have grown up parts that understand and feel compassion, and other grown up parts that remind me I have to stay low contact because my littles can't handle talking to her.
 
Thread starter #6
Another thing I want to capture... It's interesting as I try to accept that maybe I dissociate more than I think I do, there's this symphony going on. This nuance and intuition.

So like I'm working, la di da, then as soon as it's time for lunch bam, it feels like a bunch of "people" or energies or moods or states are all right there "talking" to me.

Then when I'm done with meetings or whatever scheduled contact with others, I retreat to my own space and the emotions and sensations of all this mess are there. I don't even know how to describe it. It feels toxic and sad. I guess it's all these bits knowing I'm trying to communicate and trying to communicate back.

It's been really hard to function as wife, mom, worker, friend while this is going on.

I did hint to my new therapist that I might have parts. I told her I tend to steamroll myself and might need to go slower to ensure that there is internal cooperation.

As soon as I accepted that I might be dissociating, and I might have traits of these issues, I've not been lashing out at my husband as much. Just trying to work on me. He told me I'm a badass. It's nice to have support when I don't freak out and push it away.

So I don't think I have DID because there's always a me that can track things. I don't lose time or anything. But certainly lately have times of feeling more or less like myself. Often walking around not fully in touch with my body or feeling like things are suddenly unfamiliar.

It's good to not be afraid of myself and feeling safe to explore the truth of what's happening with me. It's good to seek help, learn and grow.

The anxious part that got lost going to the doctor is still here and I'm not sure how to help her.
 
Thread starter #7
Spiritual bypass.

Using spirituality, new age, meditation to seek bliss or enlightenment in a way that ignores shadow and developmental tasks of childhood.

I've done this a lot.

Today I wake feeling very depressed, feeling my heart chakra sing with pain and heaviness, and the spiritual bypasser in me wants to run away but the me that wants to be WHOLE is sitting with it. Allowing myself to be a person that feels heavy and depressed.

I do want enlightenment but I need to backtrack first and accomplish the ego development tasks that u couldn't achieve as a child.

One must be a fully integrated person before they disintegrate into oneness.

I've used dissociation to feel spiritual and "evolved."

It is very easy to drop my personality and merge with oneness.

I need to collect the parts that I was leaving behind. Including this one here that came online yesterday and that little girl that came forward yesterday feeling so scared.

May my self in all her bits and pieces be on board with this goal to not use spiritual bypass so that my growth can be full and true.
 
Thread starter #8
It's hard to keep writing. I want to forget and just feel normal.

I am responsible for 4 children all day today until my spouse gets off work. I doubt that I will have the psychological space to do my own work because of that.

Caregiver part it is.
 
Thread starter #9
We had a fight yesterday. I'm super sensitive to whether my husband seeks me out to talk to me or I have to go to him. I'm also sensitive to his nonverbal communication. He didn't feel well yesterday and everything went downhill from there. We were up late last night working it out, went to bed with things ok, but this morning he's back to acting cranky. He did come sit by me for a moment before I had to go to work. But still was not acting like a person that loves me and appreciates my company.

And that triggers me more than I want it to. I hate that he has this much power over me. I hate that I care this much.

And it's his birthday today so I super hate that things feel all eggshelly because it's so much harder to take care of him when I'm triggered into this terror space.

He got upset with me because a call hope of days ago I had been talking with him about how kind and generous he was and then was upset that he was withdrawn and not acting like he wanted me around. I said everything is in the moment though. I can't react to the past.

I hate that his moods have so much power over me. I have to keep it together on his birthday.
 
Thread starter #10
I called him back and thankfully he said with a calm tone of voice that he isn't mad at me.

I don't get like this with other people in my life. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I feel like such a burden as a partner that things like this can happen so easily. He should be able to have a bad day or not feel well without me going into existential terror. ☹️😣😔
 
Thread starter #11
But for my limbic system, withdrawal is like my dad dying. Withdrawal of positive emotion means I'm all alone. Also my narcish mom used to hold grudges and give the silent treatment so I have triggers on both sides for this. I would quite literally be abandoned (physically by dad, emotionally by mom).

I can often be triggered and sit with it but yesterday I couldn't do it. I think because I had barely seen my husband in 2-3 days since he's been working so much, and also his negative mood was like massive negative relational feedback. Also, our youngest was really difficult all day yesterday and i was already really frazzled and stressed.

I wish I wasn't so easily affected by the emotional temperature between us. I hope my new therapist can uninstall this reactivity program.
 
Thread starter #12
Oh yeah apparently his children are afraid of me. I don't feel very bonded with them after five years. We basically tolerate each other. I don't enjoy their company because my husband isn't handling his financial contributions properly and it's a pain point in the relationship. And I'm overwhelmed when we have them. And my husband gives them what he often withholds from me. So it's just a complicated situation.

It doesn't feel good to know that they "handle me with kid gloves." That's what he told me.

I just want to be a normal person that never gets triggered to the extent that someone else's children feel like they can't be themselves. I want to be a normal person that can have fun and laugh and play. I don't know how to play and that's all kids ever want to do.
 
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