Do whatever you can do to “keep it going”. I find that I just shut down too!Trying to work on more body awareness and awareness of when my perception or stage changes.
Tonight I was reading a bit about structural dissociation of the personality and for some reason was able to have a felt sense of grief.
I think the parts that hold my pain realize I'm trying to not be so avoidant about it.
Grief really hurts.
Also my experience of my husband is all over the place as usual. Is he safe or unsafe. I don't know. I do know he really hurt me today. He belittled my attachment issues. I told him leaving conflicts unresolved before we go to bed messes up my attachment and he says putting his socks on the wrong way messes up my attachment and "don't give [him] that shit." Such a crappy thing to say.
It's not the first time. Sometimes when we are disagreeing I'm able to link my behavior to the triggering of my father's death and he acts like I'm trying to manipulate him.
He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend nothing happened.
Anyway. Back to the grief. Grief is so heavy. It makes me want to just sleep. I am proud of myself for being in my body better. I am used to floating a bit outside of my body.
I joined this forum in 2017 and have been absent for a long time. Avoidance sets in and I stop trying to do my work. Hope I can keep going this time.