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Pity party vs grief

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Freida

MyPTSD Pro
So yesterday T almost got me to admit that some of the things that I've lived through are sad and it was ok to let myself get a bit teary over it. But then my internal critic kicked in and basically told me stop my bitching and whining and suck it up. After all - I lived. So why was I feeling sorry for myself?

She tried to explain that a pity party is about wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself but grief is accepting something sad that happened, allowing yourself to feel feelings and then moving on. That whole 5 stages of grief thing.

Nope - not seeing the difference. Yes - some crappy stuff happened. Yes - it had a pretty dramatic effect on my life and others. But. I lived, I moved on, and I became a successful member of society. So what's up with this idea of whining about things from the past? Crying over spilled milk does not put the milk back in the bottle. You just clean it up and move on.

Which brings up the question -- how do you tell the difference between having a pity party and feeling grief about things? When is it ...ok? allowed? acceptable? to feel sorry for yourself over things you can't change?
 
Totally agree with @MyWillow. I had posted something on FB about how lonely it can be being a strong woman and my ex husband commented 'he was sorry he had contributed to that'... I burst into tears.. the deep physical pain kind of tears... That is grief.. not self pity. Have been crying off and on all day.
Self pity feels different.. it's sort of soul sucking. poor me, why me, that kind of thing. Grief just HURTS... and allowing your self to feel it to the other side...

And just wondering when you are going to make a commitment to yourself and your T's to investigate something before you abjectly refuse . It almost feels like you have set this pattern up, and it really doesn't apply any more.. possibly at the beginning, but you have come too far and experienced too much to resist a suggestion before you have even checked it out... did you ask her what was the difference?? I'm not fussing at you... or judging, just asking a question... love you bigger than the sky.
 
LOL yea it's that whole feeeelling thing that's messing me up!
Yeah, so I did an exercise once that helped me a bit with the feeling sad thing. And because it was an exercise, I could set a time, sit down and do it, and afterwards pick myself up and get on with life. Which, nicely (or avoidantly, you decide!) meant that I didn’t have to really compromise my “pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with it” mentality (because, worded differently, that’s just an extreme form of ‘resilience, no?).

I wrote about one thing (just one) that happened to me. In the third person. I wrote about it exactly as it happened, but using phrases “and the little girl...”. That allowed me to explore some of those things like what was going through that little girl’s head, and some of the things she was (breathe) feeling at the time.

Then I read it back to myself aloud.

Then I read it back to myself, but changing the third person references to first person.

That got me in touch with my grief. Not for long, but it happened. I sat with it for a few minutes, then put it away.

I think exercises like that might be the ticket. Instead of aiming for a whole mind shift, just confine it to an exercise, that you can safely put away. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, maybe your T has some suggestions you could use.

In my mind? Don’t abandon the “pick yourself up” mentality completely. You need it. It has served you well, and kept in balance? It’s resilience, which is a big bad arse quality to have on your side.
 
I think exercises like that might be the ticket. Instead of aiming for a whole mind shift, just confine it to an exercise, that you can safely put away.

That is an awesome idea!

It’s resilience, which is a big bad arse quality to have on your side.
Yea - I'm nothing if not resilient....(or avoidant but we wont say that...LOL)
 
Frieda, you have told me, "Baby steps" a few times more than I would like to admit! :confused: Should I whisper this back to you? LOL. Do you think the refusal to let the water works go to full stream stem from fear: fear of losing control, a bit? I am also embarrassed to cry because I feel like a weakling. It has been a '''strength" for me to not let emotions dictate who I am. "Course we know this is a an untruth. Humans cry. That is what we do when we are hurt somehow. I am not sure I can tell the difference between grief and pity, yet, either. But, I think Sideway's simple statement that grieving is feeling sad, not whining (about) feeling." Hmmm, good question. Freida. When you figure this all out, clue me in. Maybe I will follow suit and let things rip, someday!!! :whistling:
 
@Still Standing get out of my head!

Yea - T has told me all along that I'm afraid of my feelings -- and I'm am sure ...sure! that if I let them out I will dissolve into million pieces and devolve into nothingness. Pretty specific description aint it.

that's why this is so hard ---- can you be sad and not all pity partyish? It's weird how I just cannot get a grasp of this..... But if I figure it out I'll share!!
 
I am considering the same dilemma. Extrodinary sadness and internalizing it as “something wrong about me” that is the reason. My t just yesterday reminded me that I am suffering by not feeling sad. I like the exercise but not feeling quite up to that today. just trying to come to an understanding that feeling sad is not fatal. But then the thought goes from that to feeling unworthy of comfort. That is the suffering
 
She tried to explain that a pity party is about wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself but grief is accepting something sad that happened, allowing yourself to feel feelings and then moving on.
Makes sense. I would agree.

then moving on.
Here's what gets me. Ptsd makes it difficult to move on.
So, how is it productive to focus on the grief?

It's just going to be stuck on replay forever and ever, forever more.
How is it not a pity party if I'll never "move on"?
I'm actually asking, not phrasing judgement as a question. This is something that has bothered me for a long time.
 
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