piratelady
MyPTSD Pro
My husband and I are trying to have a baby. I’m 38 years old, so the doctors encouraged us not to wait for life to be perfect. We’ve been trying for about a year now without success. Nothing is wrong with me (I checked) but it’s been pointed out that my husband and I need to have sex more often and during the “fertile window”.
I’m a victim of both csa and my first marriage was abusive (sexually). When first husband and I started trying to have a baby he would just come into the bedroom in the middle of the night and rape me. Then tell me I wanted it because I wanted a baby.
When my current husband and I have sex I’m usually fine. Sometimes he’s a tad too rough, but I’m learning to use my words. But if we have sex because it’s the right time it just brings back everything from marriage 1 and the sexual abuse.
Then there is the second half of the problem that I’ve just discovered. For a while now, since therapist realized we were having trouble conceiving because I was having trouble communicating about the need to have sex during a certain time, he’s offered to help me talk to my husband.
The problem is it feels wrong to talk about sex at all with anyone. I’m guessing this is stemming from my csa. We never discussed anything sexual when I was growing up. We never even used the names of the body parts. I didn’t realize how much talking about it really bothered me until I read a diary in here and a few other threads that discussed sex and it just screwed with my head and made me feel dirty. Like talking about sex makes me feel disgusting.
I can’t talk to therapist about the problem, I can’t talk to my husband. I don’t know how to get passed the fears associated with having sex on a schedule if I can’t talk about it.
We have had sex a few times this passed week. Not every day, but every other. I did ok the first time but last night I just felt used and like a whore. It would break my husbands heart if he knew that’s how I felt afterwards. Sex is very much an act of love in his mind.
I just need help but I don’t know how to get it.
I’m a victim of both csa and my first marriage was abusive (sexually). When first husband and I started trying to have a baby he would just come into the bedroom in the middle of the night and rape me. Then tell me I wanted it because I wanted a baby.
When my current husband and I have sex I’m usually fine. Sometimes he’s a tad too rough, but I’m learning to use my words. But if we have sex because it’s the right time it just brings back everything from marriage 1 and the sexual abuse.
Then there is the second half of the problem that I’ve just discovered. For a while now, since therapist realized we were having trouble conceiving because I was having trouble communicating about the need to have sex during a certain time, he’s offered to help me talk to my husband.
The problem is it feels wrong to talk about sex at all with anyone. I’m guessing this is stemming from my csa. We never discussed anything sexual when I was growing up. We never even used the names of the body parts. I didn’t realize how much talking about it really bothered me until I read a diary in here and a few other threads that discussed sex and it just screwed with my head and made me feel dirty. Like talking about sex makes me feel disgusting.
I can’t talk to therapist about the problem, I can’t talk to my husband. I don’t know how to get passed the fears associated with having sex on a schedule if I can’t talk about it.
We have had sex a few times this passed week. Not every day, but every other. I did ok the first time but last night I just felt used and like a whore. It would break my husbands heart if he knew that’s how I felt afterwards. Sex is very much an act of love in his mind.
I just need help but I don’t know how to get it.