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Sexual Assault Planned Sex

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piratelady

MyPTSD Pro
My husband and I are trying to have a baby. I’m 38 years old, so the doctors encouraged us not to wait for life to be perfect. We’ve been trying for about a year now without success. Nothing is wrong with me (I checked) but it’s been pointed out that my husband and I need to have sex more often and during the “fertile window”.

I’m a victim of both csa and my first marriage was abusive (sexually). When first husband and I started trying to have a baby he would just come into the bedroom in the middle of the night and rape me. Then tell me I wanted it because I wanted a baby.

When my current husband and I have sex I’m usually fine. Sometimes he’s a tad too rough, but I’m learning to use my words. But if we have sex because it’s the right time it just brings back everything from marriage 1 and the sexual abuse.

Then there is the second half of the problem that I’ve just discovered. For a while now, since therapist realized we were having trouble conceiving because I was having trouble communicating about the need to have sex during a certain time, he’s offered to help me talk to my husband.

The problem is it feels wrong to talk about sex at all with anyone. I’m guessing this is stemming from my csa. We never discussed anything sexual when I was growing up. We never even used the names of the body parts. I didn’t realize how much talking about it really bothered me until I read a diary in here and a few other threads that discussed sex and it just screwed with my head and made me feel dirty. Like talking about sex makes me feel disgusting.

I can’t talk to therapist about the problem, I can’t talk to my husband. I don’t know how to get passed the fears associated with having sex on a schedule if I can’t talk about it.

We have had sex a few times this passed week. Not every day, but every other. I did ok the first time but last night I just felt used and like a whore. It would break my husbands heart if he knew that’s how I felt afterwards. Sex is very much an act of love in his mind.

I just need help but I don’t know how to get it.
 
I'm no expert on sex or conceiving. I understand why this subject may be difficult to broach. I hope these suggestions are on point and may help.

In my opinion the act of making love, having sex - whatever you want to call it starts long before the bedroom. Days before...

So, maybe a little more preparation before the physical act might lessen the psychological load before and after?

Like, making a special dinner together or for him or him for you?

Picking a nice bottle of wine to enjoy/ music. Mobile phones off. Door locked... no distractions.. this is your time. Make it special and secure.

Taking a walk together before or afterwards. Continuing to enjoy each other after the coupling.

Making love in the morning before work or at lunch time. While having a shower before, during or after - whatever...

And though not necessarily talking about sex, make sure you talk to/with each other about each other. Focus on the bond you are building. The loving kind stuff... Getting into the mood... sounds corny and maybe unnecessary but it's easier if building up to the final act is a mutual thing. Lessens the psychological fall-out I hope.

And. I just wanted to add remember you are not having sex/making love just to have a baby. But even if you are.... Enjoy it. Vary it. It doesn't have to be a marathon event... each time... mix it up. A brief encounter is just as sexy sometimes as any other and just as likely to cause conception. :) The act itself may be brief or long but the build up and afterwards are so very important.

Afterwards? Make sure it's loving and gentle and be aware that those feelings of being used/whore stuff will probably be amplified if there is no peaceful and loving moments enjoying each other after. Again, communicating with gentle touch and words hopefully will reduce those horrible feelings that are intruding on you.

So you may need to re-educate each other a little and help him change the way it starts and ends. But do it slowly and gently and find out what lessens those feelings.

I'm so sorry you had that kind of csa. :hug:
 
My husband and I are trying to have a baby. I’m 38 years old, so the doctors encouraged us not to wait for life to be perfect. We’ve been trying for about a year now without success. Nothing is wrong with me (I checked) but it’s been pointed out that my husband and I need to have sex more often and during the “fertile window”.

I’m a victim of both csa and my first marriage was abusive (sexually). When first husband and I started trying to have a baby he would just come into the bedroom in the middle of the night and rape me. Then tell me I wanted it because I wanted a baby.

When my current husband and I have sex I’m usually fine. Sometimes he’s a tad too rough, but I’m learning to use my words. But if we have sex because it’s the right time it just brings back everything from marriage 1 and the sexual abuse.

Then there is the second half of the problem that I’ve just discovered. For a while now, since therapist realized we were having trouble conceiving because I was having trouble communicating about the need to have sex during a certain time, he’s offered to help me talk to my husband.

The problem is it feels wrong to talk about sex at all with anyone. I’m guessing this is stemming from my csa. We never discussed anything sexual when I was growing up. We never even used the names of the body parts. I didn’t realize how much talking about it really bothered me until I read a diary in here and a few other threads that discussed sex and it just screwed with my head and made me feel dirty. Like talking about sex makes me feel disgusting.

I can’t talk to therapist about the problem, I can’t talk to my husband. I don’t know how to get passed the fears associated with having sex on a schedule if I can’t talk about it.

We have had sex a few times this passed week. Not every day, but every other. I did ok the first time but last night I just felt used and like a whore. It would break my husbands heart if he knew that’s how I felt afterwards. Sex is very much an act of love in his mind.

I just need help but I don’t know how to get it.
Does it have to be at night? Does it have to be in the bedroom? Can you make it less like the other times so it doesn't feel so familiar?
 
I understand but my therapist had to teach me. It really took me forever to understand my wife can't talk about sex? I mean, I'm married to this woman thirty years and I'm thinking about what she should be able to do. But she can't and I expect her to understand there are things I can't do.

This is very difficult and I'm sorry you have to go through it but I do understand and don't feel bad about it. I don't think it's uncommon at all.
 
My husband thinks about sex like yours does. He even prefers the porn where there is a clear emotional connection and the woman is being treated kindly. I used to dissociate a LOT during sex, get triggered, start crying all of a sudden, clearly was not in the right head space. I could not hide it, but my husband was understanding and supportive asking how could he help. Because that's what a non rapey arsehat does for their wife when she is having a hard time.

I bring that up to say maybe it is ok to let your husband know that you are feeling triggered. You don't necessarily have to tell him how you feel, but that it is stirring some things up and could he maybe hold you and be his loving self to help you ground into the present? If he is a safe person who loves you i imagine he might want to help this way?
 
will probably be amplified if there is no peaceful and loving moments enjoying each other after.
Thank you for all of your suggestions @blackemerald1. I do think this part speaks to a big part of what happened last night. Most of the time we do have time afterwards to just lay together, but we didn’t last night. I imagine that’s what caused the bad feelings and thoughts.
Can you make it less like the other times so it doesn't feel so familiar?
That is kind of a slippery slope for me. I kind of need the familiarity to stay grounded. At least I think I do.
I bring that up to say maybe it is ok to let your husband know that you are feeling triggered
Funny thing about that. I still haven’t managed to tell him I have PTSD....

If he is a safe person who loves you i imagine he might want to help this way
Therapist has been trying to get me to see this point. I do know he would want to help. Maybe I need to think of a way to talk to him about it without telling him about the PTSD.

Thank you everyone for all the suggestions and insight. It is really helpful. :hug:
 
I think my biggest problem going forward is figuring out how to have these conversations- in person. It just makes me feel disgusting and like it’s taboo or I’m talking about something bad.

I think I need to have the conversation with therapist so he can help me and ultimately with my husband for obvious reasons.

I don’t know how to get there...
 
I had my kids in my 20s, which is weird for this area... most people are in school in their 20s, working in their 30’s, and starting families in their 40s. Which means aaaaaaaall my friends are now doing the concentrated fertility thing.

Even those who love sex the most? Were daily BEFORE they started trying to have kids?

Hate. It.

Nooooooooooo. I don’t wanna. Eeew. Ick. Gross. Do we haaaaaaave to??? :arghh; That 20k for IVF is starting to sound like a bargain, maybe we could just do IVF? :woot: Pleeeeeease???

These are people with
- no history of sexual abuse.
- no history of pregnancy-rape.
- no history of DV.

That you’re managing at all? Much less as well as you are? Is super badass awesome, woman!!! :D Hell Yeah!

Seeeeeeeeriously. You’re not only dealing with the normal (Nooooooo) that happens to people having sex on an ovulation cycle, but all of the big bad dark history, AND are still looking at solutions/how to talk through it/ how to work through it. Yes, you’re in the middle of it right now, but don’t forget as you’re working shit out / figuring out how to have these conversations/ and seriously doing all the right things... You. Are. Badass.
 
I went through intense fertility journey and lost five pregnancyies before I was diagnosed with ptsd. I think and take this with grains of salt by having your husband join you in supporting your recovery will take away a lot pressure and make your body relax not just to conceive utcarry to term. Today I passed time to have a baby and I am extremely grateful my recovery is going great but knowing what I know today... I could not carry to term because my parasympathetic system was not at peace.
I really wish you the best. It is a lonely journey but you are relatively young and aware now.
 
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