Relationship Please, can someone who has dealt with being married to a rape victim help me?

enough

MyPTSD Pro
I have to state upfront that I am a victim posting in the supporter's section because that's where I think I will get the answers to my questions.

I know I am pretty much limited in how I can help my wife, that she has to heal alone and I can at best be supportive of her and patient with her. At least that's how I see it, that's what I have been told before.

But it has been 5 years, and i am living with a stranger in many ways. We are getting older and there isn't much time left for either of us. Covid has stolen some of that.

She has been seeing a counselor but from all i have heard and seen, her caregiver is not much help, more of a paid friend to share her misery with. The ONLY push I give her is to try another source, just to explore the help available to her.

Things are accelerating due to our ages and her health deterioration, we don't get many more years and these could be great years, it is hard to just patiently support her.

I feel guilty for even hearing my counselor tell me "you can't change her, just you, divorce, pay alimony, and live whats left of your life the best you can in the situation you find yourself in". It tears me apart to even listen to that and then go back the next week and hear it again. But that really is my only way to actively change the situation, isn't it? Every other course of action is a strictly adhered to lack of action. Patience, support, all of the rest of our lives if it never changes, and we are running out of time for changes.

Anything, any advice, any stories of success, any coping strategies, anything. Maybe I have insight because I know PTSD from the inside, maybe it clouds my vision, like I know my healing is only done by me (with counseling) so i assume that it is all up to her and I have to take the back seat and wait for it. That my only allowed intrusion into her trauma is to suggest getting better counseling. Thanks for even reading this far, and thanks to anyone that will take the time to respond.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
there are many many reasons to keep this place and stay married, but I am getting tired of dragging my feet waiting for her to hop aboard.
I can sure understand all of that. Maybe it's time to find a way to quit waiting. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce. It doesn't seem entirely reasonable for you to keep trying to take care of someone who doesn't seem interested in taking care of themselves.

What do you kids think about all this? They must be aware of her medical situation, aren't they? Are they aware that she seems to be stuck in a place where she's not helping herself? Can they help?
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
What do you kids think about all this? They must be aware of her medical situation, aren't they? Are they aware that she seems to be stuck in a place where she's not helping herself? Can they help?
that is what is likely to happen. kids are working up to telling her she needs to recover in a structured environment and it isn't my job to enforce one. I was just a little surprised when she told me she thought they were plotting something and I called my daughter and they were.
kid one has a newborn son of his own that is just now catching up from premature birth, daughter 1 is moving to a new job in Maine this summer, and daughter two is like 7 weeks shy of giving birth to twins. They don't need this crap, I am the shock absorber.
Joker in the deck is cousin with an RN. all hopes are on the nurse
 

hithere

MyPTSD Pro
I guess I'd have to agree with you. Unless for religious reasons you made a vow for sickness and in health. My friend just died of Alzheimers, she was so young to get such an awful disease and it ruined her relationship with her husband. She couldn't communicate what she was experiencing and he could only offer her physical and emotional support. He received nothing back from her for years. His love for her and his devotion to her care is an incredible inspiration to me. I am sure he had wells of grief that the beautiful woman he married changed right before his eyes, she was no longer someone he knew. But he did know "her" deep inside, he remembered her. However this man had a deep deep religious faith, so I do not think it is common today.

Perhaps saying goodbye, and finding love elsewhere is your best chance at happiness. I do understand your pain.
 

HisWife22

Sponsor
@enough, I've just finished reading this thread. I'm am touched at your devotion to your wife, and at the same time so concerned for you. I sense from some of your comments here that you may have had a career in the first responder field? Maybe I'm wrong.

I am a supporter of a partner that is a first responder and has PTSD from it. It's an interesting dynamic with him, because even as he's dealing with his own demons, he is at his core always trying to take care of others. He's somewhat lost if he isn't/can't do that.

You have so much to be proud of in your commitment to your choice to remain and support. I truly hope you and your family have found some resolution. Did she end up having surgery?
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
@FFwife No, I was a lowly volunteer, rural no less. I got a lot of high closing speed MVA and rolled up on many many scenes alone in the truck, just me and a radio. Ten years.
My career is in mechanical design, getting close to the end.
My wife is still waiting for the third hip install, probably coming next month. Right now the stress in our life is all about twin boys born a little early and in NICU, daughter was a little rough but looking up, things are all relative when it comes to tolerance for stress.
Thanks for the helpful post
 

HisWife22

Sponsor
@FFwife No, I was a lowly volunteer, rural no less. I got a lot of high closing speed MVA and rolled up on many many scenes alone in the truck, just me and a radio. Ten years.
My career is in mechanical design, getting close to the end.
My wife is still waiting for the third hip install, probably coming next month. Right now the stress in our life is all about twin boys born a little early and in NICU, daughter was a little rough but looking up, things are all relative when it comes to tolerance for stress.
Thanks for the helpful post
Nothing lowly about being a volunteer.

Congrats, Grandpa! Hope all get healthy and come home soon.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
No, I was a lowly volunteer, rural no less.
Just wanted to say "thanks!" I live in a rural area and you people are extremely important members of the community. Not only is that a demanding job (which you have to leave whatever else you're doing at a moment's notice to go and do) seems like you run a better than average chance of the person you're trying to keep alive till you get them to town being someone you know. We'd be in trouble out here in the middle of nowhere without people who are willing and able to volunteer for those jobs.
 
Top