Please help me, I feel like i want to die

dear ptsd friends, i'm trying really hard to live. and to convince myself to live. but the last few days i really want to die more than ever. i feel like slipping into water and drowning after that initial thrashing, those last moments, i cant stop fantasizing about it. it would have to be a big giant lake, right in the middle so i cant change my mind in the momentary panic. and then no one i love would have to deal with the cleanup of my body. it makes more sense than my previous fantasies.
im just reaching out to friends and family to start saying im sorry and i really did do my best to be a good citizen, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. i really did my very best.
i just feel like i cant do it anymore. i feel weird. i know in my brain i should try to live and i should try to reach out and get help, so i thought id at least share this in the one place that fully understands. i dont know what else to do.
im sorry if this is a burden but i realy need your help and words of advice. i feel like its the end and im ready to die. and im scared and confused.
 
I'm glad you reached out here. That's a great first step. You are doing your best, even when things feel really dark.

You said that fantasizing about death provides relief. What kind? Is it the relief of escape from pain? From your current circumstances, or from particular thoughts?
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
i thought id at least share this in the one place that fully understands. i dont know what else to do.
So that one piece of you that is stating this fact. This one piece of you that is telling everyone here. That one piece of you, I expect wants to live. It sounds like you are overwhelmed, in massive pain, feel hopeless that things can't change. But there seems to me a piece of you that doesn't want it to be like this. Can you find something to help you connect with that piece of you?

Do you have a diary? If so, do you mind if I read it? If not, can you create one? My guess is that people here will support you through what is happening right now for you.
 
B

Bonfire.

dear ptsd friends, i'm trying really hard to live. and to convince myself to live. but the last few days i really want to die more than ever. i feel like slipping into water and drowning after that initial thrashing, those last moments, i cant stop fantasizing about it. it would have to be a big giant lake, right in the middle so i cant change my mind in the momentary panic. and then no one i love would have to deal with the cleanup of my body. it makes more sense than my previous fantasies.
im just reaching out to friends and family to start saying im sorry and i really did do my best to be a good citizen, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. i really did my very best.
i just feel like i cant do it anymore. i feel weird. i know in my brain i should try to live and i should try to reach out and get help, so i thought id at least share this in the one place that fully understands. i dont know what else to do.
im sorry if this is a burden but i realy need your help and words of advice. i feel like its the end and im ready to die. and im scared and confused.
Know that *feeling*. Especially the head saying one thing and heart another. Such a battle. So weary. Hope you can call your therapist. Saw a shirt the other day that said: what if it all works out. Hmmm
Thanks for sharing. You help me know I'.m not the only one that goes to that dark place. May you return to a brighter place soon.
 

FlyingDove

Learning
dear ptsd friends, i'm trying really hard to live. and to convince myself to live. but the last few days i really want to die more than ever. i feel like slipping into water and drowning after that initial thrashing, those last moments, i cant stop fantasizing about it. it would have to be a big giant lake, right in the middle so i cant change my mind in the momentary panic. and then no one i love would have to deal with the cleanup of my body. it makes more sense than my previous fantasies.
im just reaching out to friends and family to start saying im sorry and i really did do my best to be a good citizen, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. i really did my very best.
i just feel like i cant do it anymore. i feel weird. i know in my brain i should try to live and i should try to reach out and get help, so i thought id at least share this in the one place that fully understands. i dont know what else to do.
im sorry if this is a burden but i realy need your help and words of advice. i feel like its the end and im ready to die. and im scared and confused.
Can you call your local mental health crisis line? They may be able to help you connect with support counseling resources etc
 
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