nerdyhippie
New Here
I wanted to share some of the poems that I have written in the past about my struggle with suicide idealization. Before I found this forum I was very active on another site and they weren't received well. I think it was because the site wasn't restricted to PTSD, it was all about mental health.
I guess my question is do you ever feel like this? I have my ups and downs. There are times where I feel motivated but the thought of suicide never goes away. No matter how I feel or what kind of day I am having I always have the thought of killing myself in the back of my mind.
I want to let everyone reading this know that it could be triggering. Just as a warning.
It's Beauty Calls To Me
Death...
It rolls off my tongue as an after-taste of life. I long for it, yet I fear it. The great unknown. Could Hell be worse than this? I think perhaps I am in a Hell. One that was built for me by my past, however I am the one that fuels it. Will I ever escape this merry-go-round of self loathing and disdain for life? When will this Hell become more unbearable than the reality of never knowing what, if anything, the afterlife holds. I think of taking my last breath, almost a sigh of relief, as the blood trickles. The ultimate sacrifice. My innocence, childhood, youth, and then my mother was ripped from me. I was left for dead, cold, naked, and vulnerable with a growing hatred for living. Death ends the cycle. The one thing I was given control over. Will I exercise my right, or just continue down this joke called life.
Forbidden Romance
I continue to think about death. My thoughts overtake me. The idea of Death has become my secret lover. Something that society tells me I can't see. But my thoughts have become seduced by its power. I tangle with it. For if I die, what then? Will this romance lead me down a path worse than the flaws of life? But here I am... dancing with something so foreign to most, and so hypnotic to me. It allures all my senses, until I feel I can't go on. Yet, too much of a coward to lend myself to anything fully. I wish not to be hurt again. For isn't that what has led me down this intrinsic path? And so the cycle continues. Too enthralled with the romance to live, too frightened to die.
When Night Falls
At night I am alone. The world stops to enjoy its slumber. Friends go on with their own life. At night no one is there to hear my thoughts, except me and the thoughts in my head that continue to play the day over and over. Focusing on the negative aspects and degrading myself without the hope of someone defending me. This cycle continues until I see little left to hold onto. Leaving nothing present that is good in this miserable world that I seem to be feeding off like a leech. Giving nothing back to society and rather hurting it, this parasite that I have become. Then the flashbacks and vivid nightmares of the past come and haunt me, beating out the rest of the light I have inside until all I want to do is finish the cycle and sacrifice myself. This plays in my mind all night until I wake up and morning has come and there are people once again that can take my hand and help me get through life again... until the night falls, not only in the world, but in my mind as well.
I guess my question is do you ever feel like this? I have my ups and downs. There are times where I feel motivated but the thought of suicide never goes away. No matter how I feel or what kind of day I am having I always have the thought of killing myself in the back of my mind.
I want to let everyone reading this know that it could be triggering. Just as a warning.
It's Beauty Calls To Me
Death...
It rolls off my tongue as an after-taste of life. I long for it, yet I fear it. The great unknown. Could Hell be worse than this? I think perhaps I am in a Hell. One that was built for me by my past, however I am the one that fuels it. Will I ever escape this merry-go-round of self loathing and disdain for life? When will this Hell become more unbearable than the reality of never knowing what, if anything, the afterlife holds. I think of taking my last breath, almost a sigh of relief, as the blood trickles. The ultimate sacrifice. My innocence, childhood, youth, and then my mother was ripped from me. I was left for dead, cold, naked, and vulnerable with a growing hatred for living. Death ends the cycle. The one thing I was given control over. Will I exercise my right, or just continue down this joke called life.
Forbidden Romance
I continue to think about death. My thoughts overtake me. The idea of Death has become my secret lover. Something that society tells me I can't see. But my thoughts have become seduced by its power. I tangle with it. For if I die, what then? Will this romance lead me down a path worse than the flaws of life? But here I am... dancing with something so foreign to most, and so hypnotic to me. It allures all my senses, until I feel I can't go on. Yet, too much of a coward to lend myself to anything fully. I wish not to be hurt again. For isn't that what has led me down this intrinsic path? And so the cycle continues. Too enthralled with the romance to live, too frightened to die.
When Night Falls
At night I am alone. The world stops to enjoy its slumber. Friends go on with their own life. At night no one is there to hear my thoughts, except me and the thoughts in my head that continue to play the day over and over. Focusing on the negative aspects and degrading myself without the hope of someone defending me. This cycle continues until I see little left to hold onto. Leaving nothing present that is good in this miserable world that I seem to be feeding off like a leech. Giving nothing back to society and rather hurting it, this parasite that I have become. Then the flashbacks and vivid nightmares of the past come and haunt me, beating out the rest of the light I have inside until all I want to do is finish the cycle and sacrifice myself. This plays in my mind all night until I wake up and morning has come and there are people once again that can take my hand and help me get through life again... until the night falls, not only in the world, but in my mind as well.
