I'm stuck in the childhood post-traumatic play/game. And I am adult. I have various characters, or memories, I don't know, that maybe seem to only be able to interpret words and thoughts in the context of the play/game.
What I mean by this is that they seem to me to be not as mature as, say, one or more dissociative parts, but at the same time connected enough to the present to re-enact the trauma with the traumatic plays/games.
I'm confused. Has anyone else experienced this or something similar? How do you treat or manage or recover from it?
It's really problematic for me that I'm stuck in these plays/games and I feel like I'm failing over and over to do it differently: I always believe and think that "I'm doing well now", "I am recovering now", but in fact in the end again and again it turns out that I did the same thing as before (it is the part of the play/game (I think now, in this moment)) -- I'm disappointed in myself, I can't change my "bad behavior", just like I couldn't when I was a child -- and the adults around me didn't really know either.
My therapeutist sais that the key is the flexibility but I feel he treats me as an adult with that believe that I can change myself and my behaviors, but I can't believe in this again -- I think he would be disappointed that again I can't defeat myself and so my trauma.
I feel the same thing that I felt in my childhood that I can try forever (I feel guilt and remorse, kiss my parents to express love and affectionate, I say that I love my parents and I tell them to that I do not want to do that behaviors), but I can't comply for the idea and image of the "good child".
And that the adults around me are helpless and disappointed and frustrated and seek another solution(s) and gaven up (than I am) because they feel that I can't learn from the experiences and explanations, I repeat the same behavior (e.g., disrespectful, talk back for adults, swearing), again and again, despite they say that "no!" and / or "Don't!", in wain I say after that behavior that "I didn't want to do! But I did again. I am sorry.", but the guilt and remorse will not help me to not do again,. (maybe therefore because I imitate others?) And i have times when I lose my conscious -- I can't see, I can't hear, or I can't touch, or I can't move -- I am in that "inner world" and my thoughts too (we are)) and when I wake up (literaly) from this state I do not remember what I am thinking in that state and I do not remember what happened in the outer world during these times (as the sleep) (Maybe a dissociative flashback about my night bad experiences?)).
What I mean by this is that they seem to me to be not as mature as, say, one or more dissociative parts, but at the same time connected enough to the present to re-enact the trauma with the traumatic plays/games.
I'm confused. Has anyone else experienced this or something similar? How do you treat or manage or recover from it?
It's really problematic for me that I'm stuck in these plays/games and I feel like I'm failing over and over to do it differently: I always believe and think that "I'm doing well now", "I am recovering now", but in fact in the end again and again it turns out that I did the same thing as before (it is the part of the play/game (I think now, in this moment)) -- I'm disappointed in myself, I can't change my "bad behavior", just like I couldn't when I was a child -- and the adults around me didn't really know either.
My therapeutist sais that the key is the flexibility but I feel he treats me as an adult with that believe that I can change myself and my behaviors, but I can't believe in this again -- I think he would be disappointed that again I can't defeat myself and so my trauma.
I feel the same thing that I felt in my childhood that I can try forever (I feel guilt and remorse, kiss my parents to express love and affectionate, I say that I love my parents and I tell them to that I do not want to do that behaviors), but I can't comply for the idea and image of the "good child".
And that the adults around me are helpless and disappointed and frustrated and seek another solution(s) and gaven up (than I am) because they feel that I can't learn from the experiences and explanations, I repeat the same behavior (e.g., disrespectful, talk back for adults, swearing), again and again, despite they say that "no!" and / or "Don't!", in wain I say after that behavior that "I didn't want to do! But I did again. I am sorry.", but the guilt and remorse will not help me to not do again,. (maybe therefore because I imitate others?) And i have times when I lose my conscious -- I can't see, I can't hear, or I can't touch, or I can't move -- I am in that "inner world" and my thoughts too (we are)) and when I wake up (literaly) from this state I do not remember what I am thinking in that state and I do not remember what happened in the outer world during these times (as the sleep) (Maybe a dissociative flashback about my night bad experiences?)).
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